Champion? Yeah..no. Harry Potter One-shot (Patreon)

All right friends and fans Kairomaru is bringing you the January Random Monthly Drawing One-shot, January’s winner was Patrick Ayres so here is his one-shot! Hope you enjoy Patrick!

The premise of this one-shot was that Harry gets out of the Triwizard Tournament in a simple humorous way that makes the organizers and the Heads of all three schools look foolish/stupid.

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Champion? Yeah…no. – A Harry Potter One-shot

Harry and the rest of the students in Hogwarts Great Hall were watching as Dumbledore and the other teachers and Ministry officials turned to enter the antechamber where the three tournament champions had been sent after being selected by the Goblet of Fire. Before anyone could rise from their seats the Goblet belched forth another gout of red flames and a single piece of parchment fluttered into the air. Dumbledore quickly snatched the parchment out of the air; there was a pause of several seconds before the old headmaster read the name written on it.

“Harry Potter.” Dumbledore read off the slip of parchment.

Harry, who was currently face-palming, sighed in resignation before looking towards his friends Ron and Hermione.

“Of course, it would happen, something just has to happen. Every. Single. Year.” Harry groaned miserably as he saw everyone in the Great Hall now looking at him. After a moment the sound of whispers and muttering could be heard throughout the Hall as some students even stood from their seats to try and look at Harry who was still seated and just wishing he could have a single normal year at Hogwarts.

“Harry Potter!” Dumbledore called again. “Harry, up here please!”

“Go on, Harry, you need to try and fix this.” Hermione whispered to her friend. Harry numbly stood up and walked towards the front of the Hall where Dumbledore quickly ushered him towards the antechamber to join the other three students already inside. He found himself in a small room filled with portraits of witches and wizards. The other occupants were Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour, and Viktor Krum.  All three champions turned to look at who had entered the room only to show obvious confusion at seeing the fourth year student.

“What iz eet? Do zey want us back in zee ‘all?” Fleur questioned from the chair she was sitting in.

Harry remained silent until Dumbledore, Karkaroff, Maxime, Crouch, Bagman, Snape, and McGonagall all came bursting into the room. 

“Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?” Dumbledore asked as he grabbed Harry by the shoulders.

“No,” Harry replied with a frown.

“Did you ask someone else to put it in for you?” Dumbledore continued his questioning keeping his eyes fixed on Harry’s face.

“No.” Harry said with finality.

“But of course ‘e iz lying,” said Madam Maxime, the Headmistress of Beauxbatons.

“I am not!” Harry replied harshly. “I did not enter the tournament, and I am not going to participate!”

“But of courze you did, leetle boy,” Fleur Delacour responded, incensed that a fourth year student had somehow cheated his way into the tournament. “We ‘ave all been hoping to be chozen for weeks and weeks; eternal glory and ‘onor to zee victor and their school as well as a thousand Galleons.”

Harry looked at the foreign student for a second in shock, before he moved his hair to reveal his scar. “I’m already famous enough for this bloody mark! I don’t want or need any more fame or glory! I already can’t go anywhere without people gawking at my bloody scar!”

“Language, Mr. Potter!” McGonagall reprimanded her student with a disapproving look.

“‘Arry Potter?” Fleur muttered before sitting back down, obviously unaware of who she had been speaking to. “I am zorry, I wasn’t aware…” the French witch trailed off while Maxime moved over to support her student.

“Well you know now, and I refuse to participate in this tournament. I’m going back to the Gryffindor Common Room and you all can plan your tasks or whatever else you need to do!” Harry stated before turning towards the door.

“You can’t leave now,” said Crouch. “The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract. To break it would mean the loss of your magic.”

“Not if I didn’t sign my name! I’m ineligible by my age alone!” Harry retorted as he started walking towards the door. 

“Arrogant just like your father.” Snape sneered at Harry making the fourth year stop and turn a glare on the Potions Professor.

“Tricks his way into the tournament and then tries to run like a coward. What kind of game is Hogwarts playing at, Dumbledore?” Igor Karkaroff questioned the Hogwarts headmaster. Before Dumbledore could reply Harry spoke up again.

“I’m not trying to run away, I’m trying not to get in the way of the three real champions and their participation in the tournament.” Harry replied as he turned a bland look onto the Durmstrang headmaster.

“But your name came out of the Goblet! You’re bound to compete now, Mr. Potter.” Ludo Bagman spoke up from where he was standing.

“Where in the rules of the Triwizard Tournament does it state that there can be more than three competitors?” Harry questioned Ludo with an expectant gaze.

“Well, I haven’t looked over the rules entirely, but Crouch knows them and if he says you have to compete then it must be true.” Bagman replied getting an unamused look back from Harry.

“One quick question then, who here has actually read the rules of the Triwizard Tournament?” Harry questioned looking at every adult in the room. “Because I read the book myself when Dumbledore announced this tournament at the beginning of term; it expressly states that three witches or wizards compete in three tasks. There is no mention of any way for there to be four champions bound to the rules of this tournament.” He finished when he didn’t see anyone make a mention of actually reading the tournament rule book.

“I read the summary my secretary wrote up and I know all of the relevant information.” Crouch responded flatly.

“Oh, so you think you know everything about this tournament from a cliff notes summary of the rule book?” Harry questioned incredulously unable to comprehend that the man that was supposed set up the tournament hadn’t even bothered to read the rule book himself.

“As I said I know the relevant information.” Crouch repeated firmly while shooting a sharp look at the fourth year student.

“So, from what I’m understanding, none of the organizers of this tournament have actually bothered to read the rules for themselves. Well that’s just bloody perfect!” Harry growled out frustrated by the lack of common sense the magical world so often showed.

“Mr. Potter, language!” McGonagall called out again. “Surely there must be some way for Mr. Potter to be excused from the tournament?”

“As I’ve said before, the Goblet constitutes a binding magical contract. If Mr. Potter doesn’t compete he will lose his magic.” Crouch stated again looking agitated at the holdup of the tournament commencing.

“Funny you should mention that again. If you’d bothered to read the rule book of the tournament, like I did, you’d have known that the Goblet of Fire is an artifact that chooses competitors.” Harry started only to be interrupted by Crouch.

“Of course I know that the Goblet chooses the champions, everyone that has ever heard of the tournament knows that.” Crouch said with irritation at being talked back to by the student.

“True, Mr. Crouch, but I also did research with my friend Hermione about artifacts when I learned that one was responsible for choosing the champions. Interesting thing about artifacts that choose people for tasks and magically bind them to rules and regulations for the duration of said tasks, they are all based on the same fundamental magical laws.” Harry said before turning to Professor McGonagall. “Professor could you go and bring the Goblet here, I’m sure that this whole situation can be resolved in just a few minutes.”

“Accio, Goblet of Fire.” McGonagall intoned pointing her wand towards the slightly opened door. The Goblet came floating in a few moments later and was caught by the Transfiguration Professor. McGonagall conjured a small table and set the Goblet on top of it.

“Thank you, Professor.” Harry said with a nod. “It may come as a surprise to most in the room, but artifacts like the Goblet of Fire have failsafe measures imbued into the enchantments that make them up. These fail safes can be used to insure that all people involved in whatever task they’ve been chosen for are bound by the same rules. This is to prevent cheating and the like.”

“How would you know so much about it, Potter?” Snape sneered again from his corner of the room.

“It is quite literally in the first textbook that Professor Babbling assigns to her Ancient Runes class. Hermione showed me the section about artifacts when we learned about the Goblet.” Harry said as if he was talking to a dim child. “Anyone that’s taken Ancient Runes should know something like this. It’s common knowledge that anyone with even a passing familiarity with magical contracts or artifacts would be aware of.” Several of the Professors looked rather startled that they hadn’t known that information before the boy had brought it up.

“Are you all serious?” Harry questioned in shock. “Not one of you was aware of this? Third year students that simply read their textbooks know this! How the hell are you all the Heads of schools or Ministry departments?”

“Well, I don’t really…that is to say… I…um…” Bagman tried to explain before he simply stopped talking.

“I’ll not be talked down to by a mere student!” Karkaroff ground out angrily while glaring at Harry.

“I quite agree. Eet is not required to know zee ins and ‘outs of artifacts in our professions.” Maxime responded imperiously.

“But magical contracts should be something you deal in when running your schools, why else would your Ministries practically hand you a trunkful of Galleons every school year unless they had insurance that the money wouldn’t simply disappear?” Harry questioned rhetorically before moving on seeing all the adults looking either angry, chastised, or sheepish. “Regardless, let me sort this mess out for you all nice and simply.” Harry strode over to the Goblet before pulling out his wand and touching the Goblet with it. “Just a little magic and the proper question,” Harry stated for everyone in the room. “Goblet of Fire, is my magic contracted for the Triwizard Tournament?”

The Goblet ignited its magical flames before a stream of smoke billowed out and formed words above the artifact. Not a competitor. Barred from entering. Under set age. Were the smoky words now floating above the Goblet of Fire. All of the adults in the room stood gob smacked as a fourth year student easily solved a potential scandal with only the simplest actions and the bare minimum amount of prior knowledge and research.

“Alternatively, Mr. Crouch and the three Heads of schools could have simply cancelled the tournament and then started a new one. You would have had to make people re-submit their names for consideration but the tasks could have been identical to what you already have set up, it’s not like the Goblet would care.” Harry stated, an exasperated sigh escaping his lips as all of the people mentioned just blinked at him in shock.

“Wouldn’t that have made more sense than trying to force Harry to compete?” Cedric, ever the ideal Hufflepuff, asked the room at large only to look confused when none of the adults would look at him. “Wait, none of you knew you could do that did you?” the Hufflepuff questioned in shock as the adults continued to look anywhere but at him.

“Of course not Cedric, that would make sense.” Harry sighed as he shook his head. “Also, just in case anyone has any doubts left. I, Harold James Potter, swear on my magic that I did not submit my name for the Triwizard Tournament nor did I have anyone else do so in my place. So I swear it, so mote it be.” A flash of magic surrounded Harry briefly before he raised his wand and cast a Lumos charm. Quickly dispersing the light Harry looked towards the group of adults with a quirked eyebrow, as if asking if they believed him now.

“Well, Mr. Potter, it seems you are indeed not a champion. If you’d kindly head back to your dorm we’ll proceed with the tournament.” Crouch ground out in both anger and embarrassment.

“Sure thing, I’ll enjoy watching the tasks with my friends.” Harry replied as he headed out the door with a wave. No one said anything for several moments, the three champions staring at their instructors and the Ministry officials as if they couldn’t believe how little they actually knew about their own tournament. The adults in the room simply embarrassed or angry that a fourth year had made them look and feel like fools. Harry popping his head back into the room from the doorway didn’t make them feel any better, even less so when he began to speak.

“One last thing, I’m not one hundred percent sure but whoever entered my name into the tournament might have violated one of the fail safes of the Goblet. If anyone suddenly loses their magic on the day of the first task they’re probably the one responsible.” Harry explained. “I just thought I’d inform all of you. After tonight none of you are really striking me as the brightest group of people. Good evening.” He finished before heading back towards the Gryffindor Tower.

“Vhat did ve get ourselves into?” Krum questioned the other two champions getting nervous and uncertain looks from both Cedric and Fleur.

-End-

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So how was that? It’s my first time trying to write a Humor/Comedy story for Harry Potter. Patrick I hope I’ve met your expectations and that you’ve enjoyed this one-shot. Who knows what I’ll write next, only February’s winner, that’s who!