TGIF: Revising My Socializing (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How is everyone doing this week? I’m doing well! Another chill week of radiation down with just seven sessions to go. I’m still waiting on the fatigue to show up. I think I’m starting to feel tired, but who knows if the exhaustion is from overthinking how I’m feeling.

I keep forgetting that the Super Bowl is this weekend. The ultimate big boys hugging each other to the ground extravaganza. Are any of you excited? Doing anything fun for the event? I think we’re gonna….get this…chill at home and laze around with naughty foods while half watching the festivities. PERFECT.

Speaking of big events, we have another new moon tonight. Oh la laaaa. New moons are about new beginnings. It’s a super moon in the sign of Aquarius. Which (after spending all of 15 min Googling) encourages you to focus on your sense of community, belonging, sourcing support from your network, as well as pursuing your hopes and dreams for the future. It’s time to plant seeds in that ol heap of yours for future growth. And apparently, Pluto is also moving through Aquarius right now. Pluto is the planet of creation and destruction. This energy brings disruption and radical shifts. Which, according to the Refinery29 article I just read, means “major storylines will begin being written now, many of which will develop over a long period of time — to be more exact, over the next twenty years!"

Oh shit.

This new moon has some major impact.

And because Aquarius is concerned about the collective, the energies of this new moon support social, community-oriented, and innovative endeavors. Which aligns for me as one of the most novel things happening in our world is that we’re starting to hang out with friends again. How radical. It truly feels like Elliott and I are emerging from our two-person pandemic and it’s slightly shocking to dip toes into the social world again. We’re out of practice! We sometimes look at each other while hanging out with eyes that wonder “are we being a bit feral right now”? And we are…just a bit…but we’re having fun.

As an introvert through and through the medical isolation of it all was sort of easy at times. And very much preferred for the situation. At the worst times, when the thought of living a "normal" life felt so far away, I rationalized that I could probably just survive without socializing ever again. I’d just need TV and wifi and I could manage through some voyeurism and some parasocial relationship development. But the endless scrolling would eventually fill my veins with anxiety and I’d turn into that silent lady fish singing in my head 🎶 I wanna be where the people are 🎶.

Now that I’m over the hump, adventuring back out into the world of friendships has me both excited and nervous. I feel like Goose when we let her come out front into the driveway off leash. She gets excited, curious, and a little apprehensive. She sniffs, pees, and after about 3 minutes she wants to go back in the house and wants us to come with her. Same, girl. When I’ve gone out I get excited, I look around, I pee a little, and then I want to go home. I’ve always been a very socially anxious person. And that was mostly fueled by a deep need for people to like me. A constant worry about whether I was seen as the most fun, funny or interesting person I could be. An endless, stressful pursuit for external validation. These swirling worries constantly distracted me from really enjoying myself or my experiences.

The nerves this time around don’t come entirely from that place anymore. Which is very cool. I think that’s a sign of settling into my authentic self a little more. Finding validation from within and all that beautiful mumbo jumbo. The nerves come, first, from regaining autonomy in my body and being able to trust my physical self in environments that aren’t my couch or my bed. Normal post chemo stuff. And, secondly, I think the stress is actually the desire and excitement to foster the meaningful connections in my life. It’s less about worrying if people like me and more about wanting to deepen and enjoy the worthwhile moments with the people I admire.

As we’re on the heels of Valentine’s Day, tis the season to inspect our relationships, both romantic and platonic.

My trusty New Moons planner has a lovely piece called “A New Love for a New Moon” by Mimi Zhu, where they ponder romance, intimacy, closeness, and depth. In it they say “so often ideations of romantic love teach us to conceal ourselves and perform for each other just to overcome our fears of loneliness. Ironically, this makes us lonelier.” They spent years crafting how to be likable, but by doing so lost themself. They talk about how this new moon urges us to be deeply known.

AMEN.

“When we strive so hard to be liked—and sometimes it can be out of necessity and survival—it can rob us of our personhood and the opportunity for true closeness, because we are not granted the expansive space to make mistakes and also learn from them.”

AMEN, AGAIN.

They continue that the people that love them “do not require me to perform likability, or to always be “useful.” In fact, they prefer it when I am nothing but myself, even when I am jagged and clumsy and lazy.”

A HAT TRICK OF AMENS.

Finding the people, the person, or even the pet that allows you to be wholly yourself is a radical feat. Finding a party that encourages the demolition of your walls and revels with you in the wreckage is something close to sacred. Finding and fostering these connections is an invaluable reflection of your own self worth.

With this new moon energy and a hokey Hallmark holiday on the way maybe it’s a nice opportunity to investigate the love in your life. And I’m reminded more and more it’s about quality vs quantity of relationships. Who feeds you, who leaves you hungry? Do you feed you or do you leave yourself hungry? Is your kitchen even clean enough to cook in?? If not, you better clean that kitchen because these potatoes aren’t going to cook themselves. And, for the love of god, how do you want your potatoes cooked?! I hear croquettes are lovely.

Okay, I’ll leave it there! I hope you all have great weekends! Go moon! Go sports! Thanks, as always, for being here. 💚G