TGIF: Some Ramblings on Radiation (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How is everyone doing today/this week/this year? I think I’m doing okay!How we’re already in the second month of this year blows my mind, but …

*waves hands wildly with a chaotic grin*

...here we are. 🙃

I just got back from my 8th round of radiation. Bonkers. It’s going fast and slow at the same time. It’s jarring to be driving to the same building everyday. Especially since my only other comparable treatment, chemo, had three weeks between sessions. But it’s also been nice to say hello to the same employees everyday with a growing sense of familiarity.

Lol.

Tell me you haven’t had an office job in fifteen years without telling me you haven’t had an office job in fifteen years.

The waiting room of the radiation center is a curious environment. It’s like being at a (more) morbid DMV with nicer employees. It’s an interesting assortment of people in there each day. I’ve seen a few familiar faces, but the rest are a miscellaneous mix. It keeps it interesting. The woman who works the front desk is very sweet and knows my name now to check me in and hand me my Cheesecake Factory buzzer before I even have to say anything. I make a point to tell her thank you each day with a friendly “see you tomorrow” on my way out. It feels nice to share the smallest pleasantry in an otherwise melancholy place.

I’ve become a little obsessed with this one duo of dudes that’s there almost every day. One gets radiation and the other is his ride. They look like grungy, punk guys. They both have a bunch of tattoos, the chauffeur guy has long dreads and what looks like chunky motorcycle glasses. They remind me of my older brother and look like they could have been members of his punk/ska band in high school. They’re probably the closest to my age of the people I normally see. Hell, they might even be younger than me as I have no concept of my actual age anymore. The patient guy seems to have hair starting to grow back and around a scar on his head. He moves very slow and is clearly experiencing a lot of fatigue from wherever he’s at in his treatment. The first time I saw him I noticed he was carrying small hand weights at his side. I assume it’s some method to help the tired muscles in his arms. But everyday the burly, Rob Zombie looking buddy waits in the lobby playing a game on his phone until his fatigued friend shuffles slowly back out to him and they leave together. I don’t know if they’re friends, brothers, or lovers, but it’s the most tender vignette that gets me every time. Two guys that look like they could have been up all night slamming whiskey, riding Harleys, and smashing shit at some death metal concert, are instead gently going to and from daily radiation treatments. The Rob Zombie wannabe never rushes his friend, he meets him at his pace and helps him gather his things. It’s so touching and I have to remind myself to stop starring when I see them. I get too caught up in my own fantasy of their relationship and want to scream “YOUR BIG, BURLY FRIENDSHIP IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!” But instead I look down and continue playing Scrabble on my phone.

There’s a lot of silent stress in that waiting room. If you’re a patient you get changed into a grey gown and then wait in the lobby with everyone, patients and non-patients alike. It’s a hilariously vulnerable feeling to sit amongst people in regular clothes while you’re topless wrapped in a medical gown. At least I get to keep my pants on. I’ve seen a lot of older men that have to wait in a gown without any pants on. I like to imagine they’re incredibly wealthy and powerful men of finance, fidgeting awkwardly in a smock that comes to the middle of their hairy shins, trying to figure out the most comfortable way to cross their legs without exposing themselves. Today I overheard a man in a gown telling the woman with him that he went to his gym to go swimming and at one point he looked up at a sign on the wall that said the chemicals used in the water could cause cancer. “Well, I got outta there and put my clothes back on,” he joked with her. It was nice to hear someone trying to find the humor.

Radiation isn’t difficult to do, nor is the environment exceptionally frenzied. It’s a straight forward system with a generally calm and organized air to it. It’s when I start to look around at the people waiting for their treatments that it suddenly seems like there’s A LOT going on. Everyone in a grim grey gown looks like they’re in a siiiiick uniform. Literally, sick. We’re all dressed the same, but everyone has their own story. I suddenly start to wonder what’s their diagnosis/how did they find out/how long have they been doing this/how did they tell that plain clothed person they’re with/Did Mr. Zombie cry when he found out? The uniform makes everyone look almost like cartoon characters but the reality is so much more complex. So human. I’ve had a weird hum of stress in the background of my brain all week. I think it’s partly from dipping in and out of the radiation center, with all of it’s unusual and competing energies. And also partly from having high-energy X-rays shot at my body. 

*waves hands wildly with a chaotic grin*

I guess that could be part of it too.

I hope these ramblings don’t read too depressing! It’s mostly been fascinating. And continues to grow my respect and admiration for anyone working in the medical world. It's wild the ways sickness (especially cancer) doesn't discriminate. It's been wholly whacky to notice myself in these new places, under these bizarre circumstances, with a wide variety of people all generally working towards the same, insanely serious goal. My brain is starting to sharpen slightly, but the fever dream persists. I'm just so thankful to continue chugging along on these treatment tracks. Maybe if that dynamic dude duo is there next week I'll work up the courage to say something or break the ice. But probably not. My fantasy of them is too pure. I wouldn't wanna taint it with ...you know...the truth. 

Okay I'm gonna wrap it up for now! Thanks for letting me get out a little radiation ramble. What's everyone up to this weekend? I get weekends off from radiation so I'm actually gonna see a couple friends and finally get some other writing going. Stay safe and have fun out there! Thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G