TGIF: Okay, chemo, here we go! (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How are you doing this week? I hope you’re doing okay. Or hovering around okayness in some way. Meanwhile, it’s just another completely normal week over here in the oh so subdued Helbig/Morgan universe as CHEMO HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN! Cue the gentle celebrations! Launch the quiet fireworks and play those soft rock guitars! The poison the cancer party has kicked off!

We completed round one of chemo and it feels amazing and surreal and wild and exciting and scary and just about all the feelings you can think of. And I really mean “we” completed it, it takes a village of incredibly sweet and nurturing humans who just awed me with their ease and care. The day before I had phone calls with a pharmacist and a nurse to go over all of the medications and everything I could expect from the next day. They were so lovely and so calm. For them this was all standard material they were reciting like a flight attendant doing the safety information before take off. But, for me and my good-girl-who-wants-to-get-good-grades-on-killing-her-cancer it was like getting an SAT crash course for two hours before being hurled into the test. They were nonchalantly going down their list, while reminding me that there would be a packet with all this info given to me the next day, but I was furiously taking notes and trying to think of any follow up questions I could as if I was actually going to be tested on the material after the call. At one point toward the end the nurse said "and this medication you have to take tonight and unfortunately it has a side effect of insomnia, but hopefully you'll get some sleep before you start tomorrow". *record player scratch* excuse me... INSOMNIA?! I've never had someone so casually tell me I was about to give myself insomnia before the biggest morning of my adult life. In TOTAL panic all I could think to ask was "well...uh...I ...ususally take gummy melatonin at night, is that still okay to take?" *smacks forehead* "yes, you can still take your gummy melatonin," she said perfectly sweet but I'm pretty sure I could hear her trying not to laugh. And I did. I took my gummy melatonin. I got some sleep, not a ton, but who's to say if that's from general nerves or the minor self-induced insomnia drugging that was a surprising part of this new, fun adventure.

But the day itself went better than I could have expected. The nurses were amazingly hands off and hands on in all the best ways. They're equally attentive while giving you plenty of space, which honestly is what we should all be looking for in our own relationships. Uh oh, watch out Elliott, I hope I don't FALL IN LOVE. It's weird to say, but as soon as they hooked me up to my IV and strapped my head into the cold cap I felt this wave of calm power and strength wash over me. Elliott said he looked at me and it was like I ascended to a different dimension. I think I might have become a transformer. Or I locked into some quiet, meditative Hulk state and thought "I got this, I can handle this." I surprised myself, honestly. And thankfully. All that note taking paid off lol. The day ran so smoothly and, regardless of whether future sessions are as smooth, I'm so thankful this first one went well. Leaving the treatment center we were giggly and overjoyed with a successful start and came home and cooked steak for dinner because for some reason I am really in a steak-dinner-rewards era of my life. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't totally get it either, but I'll keep doing it til I don't like it anymore!

Fast forward to today and still I’m doing pretty good. A little tired today but nothing too whacky. I’m cautiously enjoying some simple fatigue while maintaining awareness of any other symptoms that might show up. In a cool way, this is the most attuned I think I’ve ever been to listening to my body. Which has made me feel, dare I say, proud to feel like I can do that. Caring for my body has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life, so this sudden shift to prioritizing what it needs when it needs it is really something special. For those of you that already know how to do this and do this regularly, bravo. In a less cool way, my hyper fixation on if/when/what symptoms will show up might need to chill. I’m constantly scanning for nausea and stomach issues, which very much reminds me of tripping. For anyone that’s ever dabbled in 🍄 there’s a kooky waiting period after you take them and before they kick in that always makes my brain and body feels cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Am I nauseous? I’m think I’m nauseous. Am I going to throw up? No, I’m okay. No wait I’m not. No, I am. Did I take too much? Where’s my water? Does my skin feel weird? What’s my jaw doing? I think I might shit my pants. Omg my butts gonna throw up. Oh no wait I’m fine. Wow has anyone ever really LOOKED AT GRASS?!

I’m in a similar but also different mental/physical holding pattern.

Also wow I forgot how wild Sonny the Cuckoo bird was. But also, kinda relatable?

But now I’m sitting on my couch eating a salad after taking Goose for a walk and feeling pretty good. In fact, I already checked off the one other major thing on my to do list today which was shower. I have to keep my port wrapped in a little bandage for a couple days so I get to shower with a long sleeved protective plastic glove that is the epitome of elegance and insanity. But we did it. We’re fucking crushing it. I know there will be days that don’t feel good ahead so I’m trying to eat up the gratitude in the moments like this that feel okay.

And a lot of the gratitude is attributed to the little things. Which has kinda been where my mindset been settling as of late anyway. It's funny how something so BIG helps you appreciate stuff so small. Clean sheets on the bed, a warm blanket on the couch, the sun on my face while I walk my dog, a simple solid bowel movement, a ripe avocado for a salad, the nutritionist at the infusion center confirming that it's okay to continue to eat sugar during this process, a fresh joint at the end of the day, an unoffensive program about dogs getting adopted, my big girl tumbler bottle keeping my hydration game strong, finally washing my big girl tumbler bottle because I saw a comment on this week's episode that someone's uncle almost died from built up bacteria in their unwashed big boy tumbler bottle, the list goes on. It's the damn little things, I guess. People out there have been screaming about appreciating the little things and I get it. The little things are really sweet and the more you appreciate them the more they add up to a big good. It's just math.

So, we're going to float on with the rest of our day while these poisons float through my body and I continue piss out the cancer (thanks, Hank!). Talk about breaking the seal this week. There's probably a lot more to say about this first week, but I'll leave it at that for now. I think my brain processor needs some time to process. But it's been a great start and I'm very grateful. Thank you nurses, thank you husband, thank you GUMMY MELATONIN. And thank you, as always, for being here. Enjoy your weekends! 💚