TGIF: Climbing Mountains and Falling Down Holes (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How are you doing today/this week? I hope things are decent, if not...dare I say...good! And if things aren't good I hope you remember the impermanence of bad days and let them pass through you. *insert bowel movement joke* I've been oscillating between a lot of eager and anxious energy this week. I'll be starting chemo later next week so I'm sitting in a funky little haze at the moment. Elliott is up at school (pitching his dissertation topic nbd lol) for the weekend so it's kinda nice to have some solo time with Goose before the treatment schedule starts. In the eager moments I'm excited to write and read and clean and cook and indulge in all of the basic bitch domestic duties, and in anxious moments I want to turn on 90 Day Fiancé and let it run until I'm supposed to be at my first chemo session (no spoilers on 90 Day please, I only just started the most recent chaotic season 🙃). I think both sides of the energized/nervous feelings are totally normal so I'm letting the...dare I say...vibes...sway away over here. 

I was feeling that building anxious energy this morning and one quick thing I do when I start to feel the rollercoaster of restlessness climb the peak is consult the cards! So I pulled a couple cards from my good ol archetype deck. Maybe they'll resonate with you too. Or not, it doesn't matter, I'm gonna show you them anyway! Weeeee!

First of all, the colors, my eyes drool. Love them. Second of all, damn. Without even reading the book I see a little girl going on a journey. C'mon cards! I see you seeing me! (and maybe you too). I feel exposed! After reading the guidebook the Maiden is "perfectly positioned for trouble to come her way and subject to a challenge that leads to the next phase of womanhood." Fuuuuuuck. "She must grow up, yet hesitates at the threshold, enamored by the charms of youth." I can't believe they know I creeped out of bed and ate cookies in the middle of the night last night. "The Maiden represents the side of us that is riveted and curious, drawn to shadowy forests, dark knights, and taking just one taste of poisonous fruit. Her magic is edgy and includes both shame and delight. Let yourself fall down the rabbit hole, young one." Dang, that shame and delight is so reflective of the apprehensive/excited energy I got swirling around over here. And as for falling down the rabbit hole, well, falling is one of my specialties so that shouldn't be too hard. 

Now, here are some take away points about the mountain. Side note: I find this card stunning and oh so mesmerizing to look at. "The mountain can affect us in two ways: it can inspire and enliven us to rise to new heights and peak experience...yet it can also create isolation, competitiveness, and an inflated sense of self." Woof. Will a challenge lift me up or could my big ass ego become dead weight? Hmmm. "No matter how high you ascend, remember that it is within the core of the Mountain that the gems, minerals, and jewels reside. If you think it's all about going up, you're following the fool's path and missing the miner's magic." I love this last part and it makes me swoon even harder for the card's art. Reminds me it's not always about scrambling to the top, there's more cache in the core. That's where all the inner intangible treasures are, those sneaky spoils. Inside the cell of the mountain is a nucleus of numinous booty. *twerk twerk twerk* Makes me think of The Mountain is You book we read earlier this year, and about going inwards to find answers. Wild how these things start to connect. 

Anyway thus concludes my card drawing palette cleanser for my anxious mind. Thanks for joining me on this ride. For me, the cards are a playful encouragement that maybe the little girl in me is growing up and at the core of this journey will be some interesting gifts. So, let's fall face first down the rabbit hole and see what's inside. And thank god it's not about climbing to the top. That shit sounds exhausting. I'm curious if any of this resonated for you? 

In other news I haven't showered since Monday. I may have taken the microblading woman's directions about not showering a little too far. I just reread her instructions and I only had to avoid showering for two days. Seems I've let my overachiever tendencies flex themselves in an unnecessary way. We'll shower today. Probably. I got my hair color touched up yesterday. Maybe it'll be a total waste, but I figure I'd get a final zhuzh before I try cold capping just to let myself feel good and nice and a little taken care of. Side note, trying to look up how to spell the word zhuzh completely broke my brain just now. My hands hovered over the keyboard like I had taken an edible the size of an apple and lost my entire grasp of the english language. Juge...juje...chuge...shzuje...guugze....JUSH...Wow, what a ride. Next time you need a party game just go around the table asking everyone how to spell zhuzh. 

So what else is on the agenda for my goils weekend with Goose? A couple potential friend hangs and soaking up the solo lady of the house time while I have it. I realized last night that when I look ahead I don't know what my alone time will look like, so I'm gonna swaddle myself in it this weekend. It takes me a second to get comfortable being alone without Elliott here but today feels like we're finally settling in. You know this song and dance. My brain gets flooded with all the productive things I SHOULD do with open alone time, then spends hours fixating on the variety of choice without settling on anything in particular, then scolds itself for doing nothing, and the cycle continues. Shake it off we're being nice to ourselves! No rules for ladies weekend! I've already been making myself steak dinners (our kitchen is 95% done, still waiting on some handles), doing a little bit of crafts, avoiding book writing (hoping to change this!), chipping away at Anthropocene Reviewed, brushing up on the 90 Day franchise, thinking about the potential of gardening, meditating, journaling, forgetting to shower, and so on. It' been nice and we're gonna keep it going. What do you have going on this weekend? 

Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up. Thanks for reading my internet journal. I always enjoy doing these, even if they tend to be a little circular and similar week after week. Now, if you'll excuse me, this maiden needs to put some pants on. You need those for climbing mountains. Thanks, as always, for being here. 💚G