TGIF: Psyche Stress Shits (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How are you doing today? Has the news of UAPs and non-human biologicals along with surprising divorces and Spongebob hook ups rattled your personal ecosystem yet? It's another week of weird energy and how did I cope? I bought myself a pair of ugly-fun crocs.

Just look at how ugly and how fun they are. I can't wait. Can you tell I'm leaning into my 'fuck it' energy? Because I very much am. Sometimes this breast cancer thing feels so serious it's surreal and then this counterbalance of unseriousness shows up and suddenly I'm buying mushrooms for my feet because the playfulness feels so good. Gotta balance the heaviness with lightness. It's simple math.

I've been on a bit of a retail therapy kick lately. But not entirely superficially. I've been stocking up on recommendations of things to aid in the chemo process...citrus candies, microwavable socks, nausea bracelets, the list goes on. It's like back to school shopping ...but different. I've been gathering all the items in a basket in my office and now it looks like I'm welcoming myself as a house guest in my own house. When I step back and look at the basket it's packed with stomach soothers, cozy items, and hydration powders. If you didn't know it was for cancer you'd think it was for someone with a hangover. I've read in a few comments that chemo side effects are similar to the worst hangover you've ever had. Well...I've had a lot of those...so there's hope that maybe I've been accidentally training for this my whole adult life?

I was catching up with my friend Michelle over zoom earlier today and we were talking about playfulness and the desire/necessity of making fun and finding joy in weird and tough times. After the convo she sent me this post from @the.holisitic.psychologist which was a fun little synchronicity...

Give the post a full read if you want, but it's a general reminder on the importance to seek or develop a sense of play in your life. And this message has been coming up for me more and more lately so just wanted to spread the good words.

But enough of the self improvement, huh? Yeeesh sometimes that gets too much too! Lets contradict all of that good stuff and talk about sitting in stress! We just got back from taking Goose to the vet. She's got bad ears that need cleanings/check ups every few months and every time we have to go I get swamped with stress. My brain spends the entire time before the appointment in an impossible-to-focus-on-anything-else-but-every-uncertain-thing-about-the-appointment loop. I just watch the time creep closer and closer to when I have to get her in the car and the parade of potential disasters begin. Does this happen to you? There's memes galore about this frozen state of having something to do hours later but you can't bring yourself to do anything before that happens. It happens to me CONSTANTLY. Any minor looming responsibilities park in the driveway of my brain, like a creepy Uber that showed up early for a scheduled pickup, just sitting there staring into my head-house until it's time for me to come outside and get in the car while I performatively put on headphones hoping to indicate no smalltalk please. I'm getting better at closing the curtains on certain preemptive anxieties that show up, but taking Goose to the vet is a classic that looms large. She's an old ornery wild card that has to be sedated so it's stressful for everyone. But it's also entirely possible I'm projecting all of my stress onto everyone around me like a kid holding a garden hose on full blast. Because contrary to all of my endless internal worrying, it goes fine every time. So, in these preemptive stress sessions, I've been trying this thing where I connect to the feeling of the outcome.

*says she's going to stop writing about self help ideas and immediately starts writing about a different self help idea*

I keep picturing the ride home with that chunky, slightly sedated lady in the back and *hopefully* all of the necessary medications in tow. All of the stress is an effort to get to that moment of success. Ya know, this part...

LOOK AT THAT FACE. This is the picture Elliott texted me from the parking lot while I was paying for all of the necessary medications after her appointment, which once again, went FINE. In fact the doc said her bloodwork looked consistently great down the list of things they checked for so it's possible this absolute goober might live forever. But this feeling now, of being home while she's passed out in her bed with freshly cleaned ears, is so fucking nice. Even in the car ride home Elliott was joking about how different I am on the ride there vs back. On the way there I'm basically a mute anxiously rubbing the tops of my thighs and nervous-burping. On the way back I'm a fucking chatterbox squawking about what to get for dinner and running through the misremembered points of a Buzzfeed article I read about Spongebob guy's ex wife being a psychologist and Ariana liking an IG post about him celebrating her dissertation last year. It's like my psyche took a stress shit and my whole being is 10 pounds lighter after the vet.

So, in moments when I find myself resisting, stressing, or overthinking about responsibilities big and small I've been trying to focus on that freeing, fulfilling feeling that comes after your psyche takes a stress shit. The ends will justify the means kinda thing. I'm applying that to big things like when I get nervous about my own medical appointments and smaller things like when I don't feel like taking a shower for the third day in a row (a lot of times self care related tasks fall to the wayside because the discomfort of their process tramples any excitement about the outcome). The going to the doctor's office or getting my body damp part might be awkward and uncomfortable but I know I'll feel so good afterwards. Connecting to that post psyche stress shit celebration has been helpful so I'm gonna keep riding that wave. Or trying to. This is a year of trying after all!

Speaking of trying, stress shitting, and being playful I made an appointment to get my eyebrows microbladed next week. *self care gasp* I KNOW. I saw a comment from an aesthetician recommending microblading for breast cancer patients as a way to preserve some form of eyebrows during chemo. I've always wanted to try microblading, but I've let the anxiety of it being something I've never done before override the curiosity of trying something new for myself. So I've been imagining/connecting to the idea of them looking great when they're finished along with the feeling of doing something playful and cool for myself in prep for chemo and suddenly I have an appointment for Monday. Weeeee! I'm nervous, but I'm staying aligned with the future lovely lightness of a this self care stress dump and that's got me excited. We'll see how it goes. And you will too, on account of they might look a little bit like Burt from Burt and Ernie before they settle in. But Burt has always been a style icon of mine so it'll all be fine (remember Helbig, it's usually FINE).

Okay, I'm gonna wrap things up for now. That potential Cheesecake Factory dinner I was squawking about on our drive home wasn't going to get high and order itself. I hope you have great weekends, everyone. Thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G