TGIF: What a Week! (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, Patrons! Where do I even begin after a week like this? GOOD LORD. What a fantasy fever dream roller coaster ride. And I think, maybe, the ride just started? Well, here we go. And now you’re on the ride! Ha ha! Pranked ya! I pulled you onto this ride with me! Whether you like it or not! Bahaha! I win! I joke. Honestly, I’m so relieved to have spilled my guts. Along with being scared, and confused, and oh so nervous and all of the other shaky, troublesome feelings, I’m hugely relieved. The last couple weeks I felt like I was spinning on the teacups in the background and every time I showed up to talk to you guys I was wobbling in place working overtime to pretend I wasn’t completely dizzy and you weren’t left wondering wtf is up with her? It gets to a point where it’s too much to pretend everything is normal when it’s not. And, unfortunately, that’s something I’ve always been excellent at. Pretending everything’s okay so I don’t bother anyone. This is going to be an unfathomable journey, and already it’s thrust me into a level of vulnerability I’ve never experienced before in my entire life. Both online and off. I’ve never felt this raw and exposed, and at the same time so supported and seen. I joke a lot about feeling like a robot with mechanical feelings, but this week made me feel so profoundly human. Tender and fragile and emotional and full of hot blood and guts wrapped in soft flesh with nervous hands. The overwhelm of messages I received this week of love and support and strength and information with resources and stories weren’t coming from a barrage of faceless bots, but from humans armed with their human feelings and fueled by their human experiences all charging to help another human. I’m just so floored. Not only do I feel individually ready to take this on, but I feel cradled by a collective energy so encouraging and nurturing I have no choice but to … as I like to imagine they say in the medical field … fuck this cancer up.

*insert a flurry of middle fingers and half assed high kicks*

So, on the ride we go! We loosen our grip and tighten our focus. We let go of the way things once were and we hone in on our health. But as much as I want to raise my “Let’s Fucking Goooooo” flags and storm the cancer castle at dawn, the whole process is a series of delicate steps that have to be managed and handled one at a time. Some mornings I wake up over eager and want to already be thrust into the chaotic chemo process and just get this shit going. It’s like I’m on Double Dare and before Marc Summers can finish asking me a trivia question I scream “I’LL TAKE THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE”. And then he’s like “that’s not how this works” but it’s too late I’m already elbow deep in that big ass nose finding crusty flags that have been stuck up there since the mid 90s. And other mornings, like today, I’m thankful to sit in this little bit of calm before the storm. To spend the morning in this sweet little airBNB bungalow and read about cold capping and look up port-specific clothing and actually try to ground myself in the reality of what’s to come.

Preparation seems to be an interesting and important factor here. I’ve always had a strained relationship with preparation. Obviously, I understand its usefulness. But realistically, I often get bored or overwhelmed and somehow fall off from following through with it completely. You’ve heard Mamrie and I talk ad nauseam about working on our live shows last minute and I took my fair share of incompletes on final papers in grad school to buy myself a little more time. Maybe it’s my unconscious form of self sabotage, but in this particular instance preparation seems more significant. Though the tension is still there for me. I want to know as much as I can to help make an intense experience more manageable, and at the same time, I don’t want to spook myself with too many of the horrors before I even enter the haunted house. I am … as I like to imagine they say in the medical field … a triple positive pussy, after all. So, at the moment, we’re finding the balance. A little research, a little walk away, order some ginger chews and port numbing cream, watch a little TV. You get it. Even writing this out I know I’ve only dipped my toe into the shallowest end of infinity pool that is cancer forums/groups/research/you name it.

But a big part of the prep, at least for me, is getting and keeping my mind strong amid the constant push and pull of this process. Like I keep saying there’s a consistent tension of opposites at play. I want to share and I want to hide. I feel strong and fragile. I feel young but mature. I want to laugh and cry. I feel present and disassociated. I want to feel all of my beautiful human feelings and then I want to numb out on weed and trash like a human raccoon. Keeping my mind right is about letting myself acknowledge and experience all of these contradictions and potentially discovering the balance in between. I’m a god damn Libra after all, folks! And speaking of astrology, lest we not forget, we're in the middle of CANCER season. Good god. Here's what's happening this Cancer season according to The Cut: Over the next month, you can reconnect with your roots, your loved ones, and your deepest emotions. You can rediscover how fulfilling your rich inner life is. Cancer season invites you to deepen your relationships with the people closest to you — whether that’s your family of origin or your true-blue friends. In other words, while Cancer season may push you to delve into your innermost feelings, you don’t have to do so alone. This is an opportunity to nurture and be nurtured, to make room in your life for all kinds of care.

Well...shit. 🙃

Alright I think that’s about it for this week’s episode of Grace’s internet diary! Thank you for allowing me this internet diary diaper for my internal dialogue diarrhea! And, again, the utmost and sincerest thanks for all of the support this week. I really can’t thank you all enough. I guess I’ll just have to show you my thanks by kicking this cancer’s whole ass. One step at a time. And maybe I'll even dabble with some stretching before we get into the kicking. Oh, look at me go. Thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G