TGIF: Time for Mercury RetroSHADE (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How is everyone doing this week? Hopefully, you're doing okay...because Mercury retrograde is OVER!! Woo! Did you feel it? Did you know? Now you know, so maybe now you'll feel it! Re: Refinery29, and their astrologer of choice Lisa Stardust (yep, must be a family name), Mercury is in it's post retrograde shadow until Feb 7th. She says "the retroshade phase gives us a tendency to experience situations for a third time, allowing us a moment of reflection...exes, drama, travel issues, and miscommunications can still come to fruition now, which is why it’s important to make sure you’re being heard clearly and listen to what other people say with open ears". Pry open those ears y'all, because apparently this means that you might feel like you've have found the right path, but you're not out of the woods yet. These damn woods! Sidenote: I do love the term "retroshade"!

In the same article, Iva Naskova, an astrologer from the Nebula app (who clearly doesn't have as cool a name as Stardust) says "Gaining clarity and direction is now easier, and your goals and objectives are more tangible. On top of that, this transition inspires you to start fresh and let go of what was holding you back so you can become the best version of yourself in the new year." Sounds like it's OFFICIALLY time to start the new year! Happy New Year! If your resolutions weren't going well you can blame it entirely on Mercury and reset right now! It's always Mercury, isn't it? That sneaky lil bitch. BUT! Per the same article, 4 days after this retrograde lift (aka Mercury goes direct), is a moment when zero of the planets will be in retrograde until April 20th...which only happens once a year! We can expect to see less obstacles, delays, and possibly some big career changes. OooOoOoooOOooo! Time to get on the zero-retrograde bull and RIDE, folks! I'm curious if any of you are feeling any of this energy at the moment? Keep me posted! And, good God, don't forget to keep your ears open!

Okay, I finally listened to Miley's new song Flowers the other day and wow. I love it. I love the music video, I love the song, I love the message, I love her confident-awkward-flailing-aerobic-dance-style, I love the internet desperately trying to prove easter eggs in the video are related to Liam but they don't seem to fully check out, I love it all! What a great lil anthem to start the year. It's got that gentle power that is so, so good. It's simple and straightforward, fun and forceful, sweet and strong, classic and contemporary...all the things! Miley clearly got the message that retrograde is OVER. 

Speaking of turning relationship pain into art, are we following the Shakira breakup shenanigans?? This shit is wild. And I don't even think I have all the info! Apologies if you have no interest in this because I'm about to let my squirmy wormy body fall waaaaay down this wormhole! 

Here's what I think I know so far... Shakira's soccer (football?) bae of a bunch of years allegedly cheated on her and she found out because a JAR OF JAM in her kitchen had been eaten while she was out of town and he supposedly hates jam. That's very funny, but fair. They broke up (last summer??) and in doing so they both apparently chose (not literal) violence. She recently released a diss track about him that looks like something I would make in 2013 after I pirated an aftereffects filter gallery and thought every filter with a blue hue was TOP TIER. And look, I'm no musical genius, but her lyrics are... well... she's no Shakespeare but she very much hates the man. She says his brain needs work and called out his new gf saying he traded in a Ferrari for a Twingo (never heard of it but it sounds hilarious) and also something about her being a Rolex and now he has a Casio? Shakira is clearly not afraid to shade the fuck outta some brands that are just minding their business lol. BUT THEN Pique (her ex) supposedly got Casio to sponsor his soccer (football?) team for life? AND THEN he was seen driving to practice IN A TWINGO. WHAT!? I mean, this is some top tier petty shit. This is borderline real housewives level petty. With the amount of tabs I have open on my computer right now attempting to confirm all the random shit behavior I've heard about these two you'd think I'm writing a god damn dissertation. HOWEVER, my absolute favorite part of this whole gratuitous rich people mess is the witch. Have you heard about THE WITCH!? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE WITCH. Shakira apparently still lives across the street from Pique's mom (yikes) and has now PUT A WITCH FIGURE on her balcony that looks right into her house!!! Look at this (alleged) shit!!!

Look at this grotesque Wicked Witch of the West meets Gandolf meets the Spirit Halloween clearance rack! This is 100% hilarious, 100000% ridiculous, and I am 100000000000000% here for this Party City prankery. I mean, can you imagine?? Even if this is fake, I freaking love the absolute absurdity of it all! Ugh, I'm engrossed and exhausted. Seems Mercury retrograde did a number on good ol' Shakira. I mean, talk about some RETROSHADE, AMIRIGHT!?!?! 

*catches breath from overexcitement*

But, her and Miley are getting through it, I hope they're well. I also hope this encourages more people to publicly use harmless, unnecessarily large, weird props throughout their breakups. 

Speaking of getting over things, our BAR flies livestream for "The Mountain is You" is NEXT SATURDAY @ 2pm PST!! I'm almost finished the book and I'm so excited to host my first Bar flies! I'm going to put up a separate post at the beginning of next week to gather all your thoughts on the specifics you'd like to talk about, general questions, thought starters, etc! Until then, I hope you're enjoying the reading so far! Also! If this book wasn't up your alley and you have no plans to read it, please feel free to join in the livestream anyway! It'll be an easy, chill hang where we can all listen and share about some light self help-y material, and knowing me, we'll likely go off the rails into other topics. I mean, who knows what other sort of goofs and goblins Shakira will have on her balcony by next week that we'll have to discuss! Alright, I'm outta here. Enjoy your weekends, everyone! Thanks for being here! 💚G