TGIF: A Completely Unnecessary Worm Hole (Patreon)

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How are we all doing today? So far I've made air fryer bacon (this new air fryer life is glorious), walked on a treadmill while watching tip top trash television (I meant what I said in this week's episode that Real Housewives of Miami is currently peak housewives insanity if any of you share the cringe-joy of watching confident wealthy women spiral in a variety of ways), took a shower (I even shaved my damn legs!), covered my face in biore pore strips (which is either an extraction facial life hack or I'm doing some terrible things to my skin), and politely talked Elliott out of making me play Zelda for the 9832749273 time. That boy loves that game and is convinced I'll love it too if I give it a chance. I've given it a chance. I'm just not a Zelda zaddy, I'm much more of a ScrabbleGo sugar baby. There's gotta be a Buzzfeed quiz out there that tells you your Myer's Briggs personality type based on what video games you prefer. Modern psychology at its finest!

Anyway! Speaking of games and toys and refusing things! Let me take you on a classic Grace wormhole ride. I got a hankering to look up what everyday-holidays were happening today and one of the first I came across was a real cute one called Barbie and Barney Backlash Day (you know I love some A+ alliteration). According to good ol' professor Internet "on December 16th, Barbie and Barney Backlash Day allows parents to take a vacation from all the repetitive sing-a-longs and storytelling." Well, damn. I get the idea of giving parents permission to pause love bombs from an extinct animal and unconscious body dysmorphia conditioning from a cringy doll. But I was like, who did dis? After 20 seconds of further digging I found the holiday was created and copyrighted by Thomas and Ruth Roy who suggest "that this day can be an opportunity to reveal the truth to children that both Barbie and barney don't exist." Well, double damn. Thomas and Ruth want the kids to know the truth! I'm pretty sure I've mentioned Thomas and Ruth on the podcast before, but I haven't looked too much into them. So let's worm our way further down the hole. Why not! Turns out they've copyrighted something like 80 holidays. And when you take a lil peek at their website you can meet Thomas:

Who is an actor with a direct link to his entire acting resume (he can do an authentic Philly accent!). And Ruth:

When I saw this picture I was like, OKAY MISS RUTH I CAN SEE WHY YOU DON'T LIKE BARBIE. Then you quickly find out she has an apothecary shoppe at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.

OKAY, MISTRESS RUTH! I don't know for sure but I feel like Thomas and Ruth might be into some kinky shit. And hey, look at that, we both like magical herbs!

Then I had to take a lil break from my now hour long worm-holing because where is this even going? I don't know but let's take a quick look at some of the holidays...

Jan 17: Judgement Day

They say: Now you don't have to die to see how you measure up to your deity's standards. Just look in the mirror, wait for the answer, and go out and give it another shot.

I read: Ruth is an atheist and wants Thomas to take a good long look at himself in the mirror. 

Feb 22: For the Love of Mike Day

They say: Who is Mike and why are we supposed to love him?

I read: Mike is clearly Ruth's ex. And Thomas will never be Mike no matter how long he looks in the mirror. 

Mar 3: What if Cats & Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day 

They say: We are thankful today that our pets can't really get a grip on things. Imagine a cat being able to operate the can opener or a dog that can open up the fridge!

I read: Aw, Thomas and Ruth are doing just fine and ripping into their good ganja again.

Apr 26: Hug an Australian Day 

They say: To show our great appreciation for all the love and support the Aussies have given us over the years. 

I read: Oh, shit. Mike was Australian. Ruth and Thomas must have gotten in a fight. 

June 2: Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day

They say: Anywhere north of the Panama Canal. In order to keep poisonous cobra snakes out of North America, all citizens are asked to go outdoors at noon local time and yell “fudge!” Fudge makes cobras gag, and the mere mention of it makes them skeedaddle.

I read: um. what the fuck is going on?

Aug 31: Love Litigating Lawyers Day 

They say: Lawyer jokes abound, but when push comes to shove, these are the folks who can end up saving the day.

I read: Oh no, Thomas and Ruth are getting a divorce. WHAT DID YOU DO, MIKE?!

Sep 17: Time's Up Day 

They say: So you think you have years to make up with your sister? Months to reach out to Mom? Forget it! You're not even guaranteed a tomorrow. Do it today.

I read: THOMAS IS TRYING TO WIN BACK RUTH.

Oct 30: Haunted Refrigerator Night 

They say: Who knows what evil lurks in the refrigerators of men . . . and women. It's time to be afraid, very afraid. Gather friends, open the refrigerator door, and venture unto the realm of the lower shelf, rear. That "thing" inside that container is much more horrifying than any haunted hayride.

I read: Oh, phew, Thomas and Ruth are back together and high as kites again.

Nov 18: Married To A Scorpio Support Day

They say: A worldwide day of remembrance to honor all those married to Scorpions and who suffer greatly. Assert yourself today! 

I read: Welp, Ruth still hates Thomas.

END SCENE. 

WHEW. 

So, what does this teach us? I don't know but I've now officially spent way too long in this worm hole. Maybe it teaches us that everyday can be a holiday if we let it. And, to be real, I think it's whacky and fun and sweetly stupid that these two wonderful weirdos are spending their time creating this lovely nonsense. I hope they're doing well. And I hope Mike fucks off. And thus concludes my completely unnecessary book report showing you just how specifically I can waste my own time. I hope you all have great weekends with whatever holidays you end up celebrating or observing! And may you bring the utmost backlash to Barney and Barbie today! Cheers! (this got weird) ❤️G