Ahhhh....Real Monsters! (Patreon)

Happy Sunday, Patrons! How is everyone doing? I'm doing well. My family has picked up our NCAA March Madness brackets again, so I've been spending a lot of my free time watching college basketball and screaming at teens to "MAKE POINTS!" so I can beat my brothers in a competition I normally give absolutely zero shits about. What fun! TBH, it's really fun...but I do wish they would let the players jazz up their uniforms a little bit just to give us a real show. 

*athletic sigh* I guess I'll have to stick to a sport that gives me just that...DRAG RACE. 

This week's episode is Pop! Goes the Queens! It's a branding challenge! Doesn't that sound SEXY??? Let's get into this episode!

We start where we left off...Olivia squeezed out a questionable win against Denali and celebrates with some even more questionable cleaning skills. I love that she hardly tries to wipe the mirror and then just leaves the mess for someone else to clean up. Ohhhhh the metaphors that could be drawn! 

Utica let's us know she's ready to "put the metal to the ....metal and just clink clank to the top!" If she doesn't make that into a catchy club bop with weird cartoon sound effects in the background she's missing a golden opportunity! But Utica is the best at missing opportunities so ... oh I'm spicy today! The march madness has really brought out the competitive jock in me! 

Then we have Kandy calling out suspicions on Olivia for being so "calm, cool and COLLECTIVE" after most the girls said they'd send her home. And we can all trust Kandy's suspicions because the next day in the werkroom she announces that Tina won twenty five thousand dollars. Incredible. Also the Tina/Rosé shade brigade is building and I don't know if it's sexual tension or just emotional gas? Either way, anyone else think Tina is, like, kinda obsessed with Rosé?

Good thing is Ru might be able to help them get to the bottom of their psychological stress because he saunters into the werkroom in like a walking rorschach test. Big fan of that ink blot suit situation. The mini challenge is Are You Smarter Than The Pit Crew and I actually think this is a solid mini challenge! It's better than dressing up in droopy diapers for sure! It's fun, competitive, gives a little history of the show, you can play along at home, you can watch Utica miss another opportunity lol...I wish they had more mini challenges like this!  Plus Kandy's thinking face kills me every time. 

On to the maxi challenge! The queens have to create and market their own soft drinks! It sounds a little boring, but I really love the branding challenges. They aren't as flashy as other challenges but, to me, they're the great equalizer that showcases their creativity and marketing abilities. And that's such a HUUUUUGE part of successful drag. These queens usually go on to make their own web series/merch/music/empires so the sooner they can get to the core of their characters and sell it to the world, the more successful they'll be. And building on the last challenge it forces them to condense who they think they are to the audience. Speaking of condense...why was there so much milk in this soda challenge!?

Let's see what we got. Tina is doing...surprise, surprise... a drink with a burning theme, and I am...not surprised, not surprised. Rose says she's making a hangover cure that also helps you focus and makes you feel beautiful...which made me think she was gonna walk on set with a giant bottle of Adderall. Utica wants to be able to lick her can because it's "unsanitary and fun". Cut to me, still quarantining because of a global pandemic, triggered. And Mik's drink is confusing but sexy...which is how I describe her approach to every challenge. 

They film their commercials and here are my thoughts:

-Tina calling action for herself every take was the best part of her commercial and I wish they kept that in 

-I already love Rosé but I loved her more after that burp-on-demand...I really saw myself in that moment

-Olivia has her tiny purse back but I think she needs a bigger prop to lean on

-Symone can do no wrong and they love her so it's just hers to lose...also those pleather thong/pants combo!? WOW

-Utica does the most and makes the least sense... but I hope Clara gets some residuals 

-I could watch Kandy scrambling to get her scenes set up in a skin tight leopard print body suit for hours

-Mik is struggling but looks gorg doing it and the phrase "I think we got the farts!" should have been the drink's tagline

-Everyone is licking and spitting and spilling and I GUESS ALL COVID RESTRICTIONS ARE GONE LOL 

It's Elimination Day! 

Tina is still burning for Rosé and she should get that checked out. On a completely different note, Kandy's story of being attacked when she was younger culminating in their deeper acknowledgment of them being safe among each other was incredibly touching. 

It's always a bit of a shock when an incredibly sincere moment is immediately followed up with a BEAST COUTURE runway. But here we go:

-Utica: Maleficent goes to theater camp

-Kandy: It's very Monster's Inc....but the government should audit that company because what the hell is going on there

-Tina: Honestly this was my favorite look she's done yet...it was like a bunch of Furries had an orgy in a Build-A-Bear workshop

-Symone: I loved it, but it just a full mascot costume? Don't get me wrong it was incredible (and sexually made me very confused)...but didn't Michelle clock Denali for being in a diner "costume" previously? 

-Mik: It took me a second to understand what I was looking at...and maybe I still don't fully understand, but I liked it! It was like a super sexy cereal mascot reject! And THAT MAKEUP UGHHHH SO GOOD

-Olivia: Another Monster's Inc situation ...I haven't looked at the internet's reaction yet but there HAVE TO be Kandy/Olivia monster's inc memes, right???

-Rosé: This gave me high class Jersey Devil vibes and I LOVED IT! How do you wipe with those nails?!

Okay, then we get to their commercials. Utica's was unfocused and uncomfortable, Kandy's stupid spacey sequence got me good, Tina's was ... Tina's, Symone can do no wrong because "Everybody's got a sweet toof!", Mik's allllllmost made sense, Olivia's was actually better than I expected and Rosé NAILED it (literally and metaphorically). 

Symone wins and who's shocked? Not me. The judges clearly adore her and for good reason. BUT before I could even finish complaining that Rosé should have won... it turns out she ALSO WON! Rosaid all day! To my surprise Kandy is safe and Mik's runway lewk gives her the bump above Tina and Utica who land in the bottom. In this moment I think I clutched my invisible pearls and whispered ohhh what an interesting matchup.

And INTERESTING it was. Tina goes full Gritty with the running man, belly bumps and a running slide while Utica...licks herself. At least she was on brand? In the end Tina sashays and Utica shantays (to the clear dismay of Michelle which makes me lol). 

Though it did seem like it was Tina's turn to go, some of the judging still feels a little off to me. The crown is clearly Symone's to lose but I LOVE the momentum Rosé is making for herself. If she shotguns a coupld more Roseaids she could really give Symone and her sweet toof a run for her money. The judges can't make heads or tails of Utica, and it doesn't seem like she can either. And they're clearly keeping Kandy for as long as they can because they know she's a fan favorite. Olivia is still slipping and I think her inexperience is starting to work against her. At this point my top three are Symone, Rosé and Mik... unless Utica and Olivia have  incredible break throughs next week ... but I don't know if I see that happening. 

Okay, I gotta get back to screaming at some teens, but let me know your thoughts!!! And enjoy the little bit of weekend that you have left! ❤️G