Zelda: The Tutorial [Breath of the Wild] (Patreon)

After Ganon's usurpation of Hyrule's protective machines, the near death of the hero chosen by the sword, and the ghostification of the other champions, a plan was formed by the survivors. Not the thing about putting Link in a bath. Another thing. More importantly than the defeat of Ganon, the loss of such fabulous man meat could not be allowed. In a realm of men whose faces looked like mashed potatoes packed over a giant packing peanut, it was agreed by the hottest women of the time that under no circumstances could Link be allowed to not have a vast harem to spread his Adonis genes throughout the land. He would surely survive, but what manner of ultra bods would await him? And so the supermodels of the land - Purah, Impa, Zelda, some bird lady with a gigantic ass, and little bits of the skeletons of Mipha and Urbosa that had rained down upon Hyrule a little earlier that week, gathered one final time to agree upon a hilarious prank to greet the hero upon his resurrection. "I shall bear a granddaughter of outrageous beauty that's too sheltered to understand her rampaging hormones, to frustrate the hero," promised Impa. Purah scoffed, declaring, "I shall reverse my own aging! But into the physical age of like a six year old or something, but wearing thigh highs and a short frilly skirt. Right before the hero wakes up, so there's just no way because it'd be technically legal but also illegal or something." Zelda first had to adjust herself, because of the discomfort of finding a new dress in an era of dead tailors with also an ass the size of a horse but a thigh gap like that one tree you can drive through. With that done she said, "I'm gonna fuck that Link, but I shall never directly say so," and promptly got herself captured or used magic to, like, be immortal or asleep, but still able to communicate or whatever. The bird lady pecked at some seed, thought long and hard, then let loose a loud and thunderous BUK-CAW. The others marveled at her wisdom. Except Impa, who could not speak Rito, and so pretended to marvel so as to not seem totally racist. Mipha and Urbosa's skeletons jittered and made shambly noises to communicate their own plans: Urbosa's descendant would be perhaps the most beautiful being to have ever been born, but be exactly jail bait-teen years old by the time Link woke up. And Mipha, who had no nipples or genitals and seemingly no plan for how the sex stuff would even work, declared that her brother would sexually confuse Link in her stead. Also that one hot purple haired girl from Gerudo Town was there. She was an immortal vampire. Pretty cool, huh? And thus was laid their plan to provoke Link into either going mad with lust and starting a vast and weird harem, or a life of furious and enraged masturbation. Either would inevitably lead to the destruction of Ganon. Somehow. Yes. The Gorons didn't really help.