Poor Stardew Farmer (Patreon)

"Dear Mom: Thank you for the cake. I am writing this to you while eating crackers spread with my own artisanal goat cheese aged in casks in my cellar. I am kind to animals, make thousands of gold a day, and ride a horse, but I have no friends. Girls don't talk to me, and I'm too tired to go to the only bar in town. I have no life outside of work. I think the cows are starting to speak to me."

"P.S. There are zombies here."

(My poor farmer. He retreated to the countryside to get away from his awful corporate job, thinking it would be a gentle, pastoral thing. Instead he spends most of his time involved in TOTAL WAR in the deep caves underground where ghosts and slimes are the only reality. This is not what he signed up for.)

(Also, given his mighty sword-swinging thews, his adorable steed, and the fact that cooking show re-runs have taught him to make lobster bisque and artichoke dip, I don't know why I need to woo anyone. His suitors should be beating down the door. >.> )

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