Conor's Bad First Grade Books - "Alf Gets Gooped" (Patreon)

Hell yeah, my mom dropped a stack of garbage they didn't want in their house any longer, I mean priceless childhood treasures, off at my house. A bunch of "books" I wrote in first grade were included, so in the spirit of bad book fairness and transparency, let's roast the hell out of first grade Conor.

First off is Alf Gast Gopt, which is my third favorite Kraftwerk song. I didn't watch a lot of TV as a young lad, but I was somehow pretty into ALF. I still have an ALF stuffed animal, which Lauren absolutely loathes. Anyway, this starts with Alf lying on his bed. I'm pretty sure I intended this as a Kafka homage but the picture makes it look more like a tribute to the Snickers scene in Caddyshack.

Alf's slumber is interrupted by the doorbell, and he discovers a package which bears a suspiciously similar resemblance to the door. It looks like I chose to differentiate Alf's snout from the rest of his body by drawing it in black, which kinda makes it look like he has a necktie tied around his mouth. On the plus side, the action is moving along at a Dan Brown-esque pace. Alf must be about to chug some olive oil.

There was nothing in it. OR SO YOU THINK!!!! Classic misdirection. You can see how confused Alf was based on the Confusion Lines. Perhaps he doesn't know what Slam is or why it's jamt-ing out of the box. Also, the constantly changing colors of the box tag and string makes me think this was a project I agonized over for days, pacing around the block corner til the correct words hit me, then returning to my desk only to find that Joey Zimmerlin, the kid who threw up Amy Terrill on Square Dancing Day in gym class, had stolen the red Mr. Sketch marker. Guess Amy Got Gooped too!

The story ends (yes, this is the end) with some questions. Who packaged the slime and shipped it to Alf? Do they consider a clogged drain and a damp, residually goopy Alf to have accomplished their nefarious goals? Was the jumping slime sentient? Where was the Tanner family? Dead or just undrawable?

This appears to be the only book I wrote about ALF, which is a shame, but an even bigger one is that I did not keep the "_____ Gets Gooped" franchise going any longer. I think it potentially had some legs. The Berenstain Bears Get Gooped. Blossom Gets Gooped. Senator Robert Byrd Gets Gooped. Gwyneth Paltrow's Lifestyle Brand Gets—THIS BLOG WAS FORCIBLY CUT OFF BEFORE CONOR COULD END WITH THE WORST JOKE IN 372 HISTORY