"Texting with... Natalie" pt. 1 (Patreon)

Grumbling, I sit back and look around, waiting for my client to emerge.

This is an annoying habit. Being late for pickups that they schedule at prime hours.

A bit of leeway and flexibility is expected, given the premium nature of the service. But to consistently miss scheduled pick up times makes things complicated when traffic is heavy.

A welcome distraction from my fuming comes in text form.

Natalie: Why aren't you at the gym with me?

You: Did we have something on the books? I don't have you on my schedule for today.

Natalie: No, but you should be anticipating my needs!☹️

You: You didn't check the “Needs Precognition” box when you selected your contract services. Did Jessica cancel on you again?

Natalie: Its her moms birthday. She's out to lunch with her family. 😔

You: Well, I know you have the courage and constitution to continue on in my absence. I believe in you.

Natalie: You're a jerk.

You: Do you usually work out today? It seems to be off from your normal schedule.

Natalie: No, but I was bored. And if I stay home I'll just eat chips on the couch and watch reality TV.

You: You workout when you're bored? You have a real masochistic streak.

Natalie: Haha, no, you're just lazy!

Natalie: What are you doing right now?

You: Waiting to get a second parking ticket because my client still hasn't shown up to their requested peak traffic pickup.

Natalie: Ouch. Occupational hazard?

You: I'm usually pretty good at avoiding them. But sometimes the clients don't make it easy.

Natalie: Yeah? I imagine a handsome fella like you would have no trouble charming your way out of a ticket from a lady meter maid.

You: Its not about looks, it's all about technique. I think a lot of traffic enforcement officers like to give tickets to good looking people.

You: It also helps to keep fresh donuts in the car.

Natalie: Are you admitting to bribing law enforcement officers with tasty breakfast confectionaries?

You: I plead the fifth. And it ain't no crime driving with donuts.

Natalie: lol.

Natalie: What's the damage? What are the tickets running you?

You: I have a $250 one, and a second ticket will cost $500. The client would have to pay for it, ultimately. But still having to navigate the legal circus doesn't make it worth it.

You: Almost as painful as when pretty blonde clients lure me into coming to work out with them until my bones turn to dust.

Natalie: Awwww, you think I'm pretty? You're gonna make me blush!

Natalie: Well, since you're waiting around for them anyway, come be my gym buddy!

Natalie: A little post workout endorphin high will make you forget all about getting financially pegged by the law!

You: I don't believe endorphins are a real thing, that's just some magical substance you made up to try and get me to workout with you.

Natalie: Hahaha! Someday, when you're thirty pounds heavier and out of breath all the time, you'll wish you spent more time working out with me!

You: I can't wait for my fat phase. It's going to be so liberating.

You: I'll let those donut sirens lure me right into chonker-rocks.

You: Set course for stretch-pants.

Natalie: 😲 Nooooooo, don't give in to the dark side!

You: But they have cookies, and pizza.

Natalie: And diabetes.

You: I believe it's worth the risk for the things one loves.

You: Truthfully, the gym doesn't sound so bad. It might be good to work out some of this aggression. But I probably shouldn't leave.

You:  I don't know how long they are going to be. They could be two hours, or two minutes.

Natalie: What happens if your car gets towed? Do you roll up with a rickshaw?

You: Haha, only if I can't get a rental car replacement.

Natalie: See, another reason you need to workout with me more. If you have to resort to a rickshaw, you'll need that core and leg strength to run all us wealthy socialites around in a cart!

Natalie: OMG! Can I request you drive me around in a rickshaw?

You: Absolutely not.

Natalie: Awwww, please? I would look so glamorous in a hand drawn carriage. I'd even have an excuse to use my parasol!

You: You're just looking for new, cruel and unusual ways to see me reduced to a sweaty, panting mess!

You: You're a monster.

Natalie: 😈

Natalie: It's for the environment.

You: Yeah, sure.

You: I think if I use a rickshaw, it might be cultural appropriation.

You: It is NYC, someone will complain about it. They'll crucify me on social media for being an insensitive bigot to oppressed rickshaw drivers or something.

Natalie: Yeah, but you'll be famous on social media at least.

You: Haha, I don't even like good attention. I'm not looking to get canceled.

Natalie: All I'm hearing is excuses to avoid what could be a great endurance workout. You just have to spin it the right way.

You: All the same, I think I'll just try to avoid getting towed.

Natalie: Boooo 😤

You: Though… with midtown traffic, a rickshaw might actually be faster than driving.

Natalie: I'm telling you, you just have to look at it in the right light!

Natalie: Alright, now I have to go and figure out what kind of workout to do today.

Natalie: What should I do?

You: Well, what are your options?

Natalie: Let's see, I do have my bathing suit, so I could do some laps at the pool.

Natalie: I think Cheryl plays tennis around this time, so I can check the courts to see if she's up for a game.

Natalie: Or I suppose I could just hit the weight room, like usual.