Hayseed Texts (Commissioner OC Redneck Bimbo TF) (Patreon)

Claire Hawkins was a girl on the go, and she didn’t care who knew it. She’d been snowed under with work since the new semester at uni started, but did she let it stop her from going out and having fun with her friends? No she did not! She was in the prime of her life, and she was going to enjoy every second of it.

Which was why she had no time for time wasters. Nope, nope, she had way too much on her plate to bother with people who just got in her way. Travelling Salesmen? No thank you! Street performers? Very nice but she was moving along. Life insurance? Yeah, maybe in a couple of decades, buddy.

And then there were prank calls. Geeze, who did prank calls these days? What was this, the 1990s? Everyone had caller ID now, there wasn’t any point. And yet clearly someone was having way more fun with her number than they should have been.

Well, no, that wasn’t quite right. She wasn’t getting calls – she was getting texts. Quite a few of them, actually, one every few days from a number she didn’t recognise. All addressed to someone named ‘Clairea’bell’. At first she thought it was a cute nickname from one of her friends, but nope, these messages were outright, ah, crude. And kinda lewd.

[Hey Clairea’bell!] read one. [Don’t forget our date’s coming up! I know your dumb slutty ass needs a reminder.]

[Looking forward to seeing you Clairea’bell!] read another. [Try to keep that pretty blonde head out of the clouds, you hic!]

[Gunna have to be careful after our date, Clairea’bell] was another. [If we get as loud as I know you get, the neighbours will send a noise complaint!]

Ugh. What was even with these? Who would text someone else with these kinds of messages? And why wouldn’t they stop when they’d clearly gotten the wrong number? It had to be a prank, it had to be! And when she worked out who was behind it, ohhh there was going to be trouble, that was for sure.

These messages were getting ridiculous though. She’d tried everything to get rid of them! She’d ignored them, she’d deleted them… She’d even blocked the number, only for the texts to keep on coming somehow – it was really weird.

So, when her phone beeped while she was out walking down to the shops one day, Claire had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly what kind of text she’d just received. And, yup, wouldn’t you know it – another message for Clairea’bell.

[Clairea’bell,] it read. [Hope you’re looking forward to our date. I’m gunna rock your little hayseed world.]

Claire sighed, her eyes rolling. What was it going to take to get rid of this creep? Ugh, by this point she was tired enough of the nonsense to actually try replying, just in case whoever it was genuinely trying to contact someone. [You have the wrong number,] she quickly typed. [There’s no Clairea’bell here.]

There. She slid her phone away. Hopefully that would-

Bzzt!

Oh come on. Groaning, she dug her phone out again, hoping the message would be a simple, quick apology, and she could get back on with her day. Instead…

[Lol. Very funny, Clairea’bell! Bet it took you all day to think up that one!]

What the… Seriously? She grit her teeth and started typing again.

[No, really. I don’t know Clairea’bell. This isn’t her phone. I’m just some random from Chokersdale. Please stop messaging me.]

She’d barely hit send when the reply flashed up.

[Duh, I know you’re in Chokersdale, babe. You sure you wanna pretend you’re not Clairea’bell? Because I definitely get a Clairea’bell energy off of you, babe! Lol!]

Ew. What was with this guy… But now Claire had to admit, she was kind of curious. What kind of girl was this guy after? Who would be into someone talking to them like this? She knew she should just delete these messages and maybe look into a new phone… But since she was talking to him already, she didn’t see the harm in a few questions.

[Look, you definitely have the wrong number, if this girl is in my town somewhere then I might’ve seen her around. Why don’t you describe her to me? Maybe I’ll recognise her.]

See, now she couldn’t wait to see what kind of stupid reply she’d get – she could do with the laugh. And happily, she didn’t have to wait long.

[Oho, looking for compliments, are we? Well sure. My babe Clairea’bell is definitely a cute little blonde – which is fitting, since she’s as dumb as a post, too!]

Well how charming. Claire sighed again, disappointed in her gender as a whole if this asshole was actually getting dates with anyone. Couldn’t be her though, at least. Not only was she a pretty bright bulb (if she did say so herself!) but her hair was black as night, not blonde. Tough luck, buddy!

She chuckled at his imagined disappointment, and then didn’t notice as her laugh became a giggle, the dark colouring seeping out of her long hair, replaced by a wheat-field gold. Gosh, this guy was, like, so silly! Okay, so she was totally a blonde, and maybe kinda dumb, but she still wasn’t his girlfriend or whatever~ Ooh, what else had he said?

[She’s as freckly as they come, probably from spending all that time out in the sun, and her smile’s as sweet as sugar, even it has a gap or two…]

Eeewww, freckles? As if! Her skin was clear and smooth, thank you! She had, like, a ton of beauty treatments for that. And gaps in her smile? No way! Her teeth were perfect, what the hecking heck? Ugh, could never be her.

Although, okay, maaaybe she’d lost a tooth or two over the years. So what? She could still smile with the best of them! And there wasn’t anything wrong with freckles, either! She should know, she had plenty, especially over her nose and cheeks. And she was adorable, so, y’know, whatever.

Claire still didn’t recognise this girl, but she was starting to sound real cute! Still giggling, she read on to the next message.

[She’s a total redneck slut though, just FYI.]

Huh, a redneck? Well that fit with the name, yeah. Hmmm. Claire’s blonde brow wrinkled as she tried to think, despite her rather limited mental ability. Did she know any rednecks? There weren’t many out here in the city, right? Of course she definitely knew her share of sluts, even if she was a good girl herself~

Though to be truthful, maybe she wasn’t that good. Another giggling grin became a guffaw, and any notion of saucy lil’ Clairea’bell ever being some sorta cityslicker was banished from her tiny noggin. Nah, she were a country gal through an’ through, darn tootin’!

The blonde flicked her hair back over her shoulder as her clothes changed from a white T-shirt, a red jacket and a black skirt, to a blue blouse and denim jeans. Honestly, if you’d seen the girl at the start of her walk, you’d never recognise her now. But of course, Clairea’bell didn’t care about any of that – she just wanted to see what this charmer’d write next.

[I don’t know what’s bigger, her tits or her ass…]

Oooh, well how about that? Now Clairea’bell was startin’ to feel just a touch jealous! After all, her own apples and pairs hadn’t really grown to such grand proportions, y’know. It was kinda a shame, really.

But a moment later, such petty jealousies were a thing of the past, with her blouse suddenly popping a button as the great tits it fought to contain struggled to be freed, and her jeans ripped on both sides as her ass swelled to properly fruitful proportions. Clairea’bell gave her hips a shimmy and tried to hold in another hayseed giggle at the feeling. Truly she was blessed – and she made sure to share that blessing around with any o’ the menfolk who were interested~

[But she doesn’t hide either in those skimpy little clothes of hers! Yeah, that’s Clairea’bell.]

There wasn’t even time for confusion this time – the woman’s clothes bursting off of her the instant her eyes fell upon the words, unspooling down to their base threads before reweaving themselves around her. Her jeans? Gone, replaced with denim hotpants so short you could see her underwear when she took too long a step, tightly hugging onto her hips for dear life, dangling from blue suspenders that climbed up over her freckled shoulders. And her blouse? Banished, replaced with a pink crop top with the words ‘haybale bimbo’ written across its front, though it would be a bit of a struggle to read all at once given how much of the text was stretched over her boobs.

And none of this was noticed, of course. Instead…

“Yup!” The blonde flipped her hair, gave a gap-toothed grin and posed with a hand on her hip, the other still holding her phone. “That’s me alright!”

Clairea’bell smiled proudly – then her eyes went wide and a moan slipped through her lips as someone stepped up behind her and grabbed her ass, groping her through her shorts.

“I know it is, babe. That’s why I texted you in the first place.”

“Oooohhh…” She ground her ass against the strange man – no, wait, this was her stud! Her meal ticket, her man. “Hey handsome. I hear you’ve been sayin’ some right nice things ‘bout little ol’ me lately~”

“Maybe I have,” he said with a chuckle, his other hand reaching up to squeeze the blonde’s chest, drawing a very happy sound from her throat. “After all, I have to let everyone know just what sort of woman my Clairea’bell is, don’t I?”

“Mmm, you bet,” she purred. “Now how’s about you take me back ‘round your place, and I give you a nice big reward for all them compliments, huh?”

“What a delightful idea.” Her man gave her one last squeeze, before leading her off – in a completely different direction to Claire Hawkins’s home, or anything connected to her life at all. But that was just fine with her. Obviously, she’d never heard of no stuck up city slicker like Claire Hawkins!

She was Clairea’bell. After all, how else would she be getting all these texts?