Pokemon Journey, Episode 40 (Patreon)
Content
I've been struggling a lot lately with feelings of inadequacy... The strike was part of it, hammering home that my livelihood and platform could be taken away in an instant if a big company decides to make an example of me, but I've had many strikes before and none of them stuck. I was able to pull through. But I've gotten to a point where I feel like I'm not good enough to stay in this business model.
That's not to say that I don't appreciate every single one of you, that's the farthest thing from my mind. I'm amazed every day that enough of you support me so I'm able to scrape together a meager living for me and my family. But my subs and patreon haven't increased that much in months, and at times I even feel like I don't actually deserve more.
I got a tweet the other day saying that Philip Bartlett, the original voice of Mewtwo, was still alive (I mistakenly mentioned he was dead in my Mewtwo Returns review). I corrected it with an edited description and an annotation right away, and the guy's reply was "Sticking by what he says he'll do. This is why people shove money into Suede's bank account."
I don't, though. I still haven't reviewed the anime I promised for people who backed my short film from years ago, Calling It Now still hasn't officially happened and I haven't even started on my $500 goal of doing Pokemon Journey Origins. I've always wanted to be a man of my word and a trustworthy producer, but it seems the only thing I can do is put out Journey consistently, which isn't nothing but it's not what I promised. I've let down so many people and even if I do manage to keep my promises, they'll all come far too late.
I watch people like Lindsay Ellis and Digibro and Moviebob and I feel like a clown in a science lab, not as an experiment or anything but just standing in the corner, honking a horn whenever a scientest says something clever. Even among my more-comedy-than-info peers such as Superbutterbuns, Linkara, or Phelous I still feel like the guy who snuck in the back.
Now, I'm completely aware that I don't have to be this super-famous, playbutton-getting megatuber. I don't think I even really want to be. I'm OK with being someone that makes something I know a few people will love, rather than something I think most people will like. But I don't make enough from this to support my family, the part-time job I take on top leaves me very little time to get the videos done consistently and that job is only for three months. After that... I don't have any qualifications, there are no editing or graphic design jobs in my part of the country and the ones that do show up are snatched up immediately by people with more traditional experience or qualifications or social networking skills or charisma.
Is this the end? NO. Pokemon Journey is the first time I've been able to make consistent weekly content in years and I'm not letting go of it now. To be brutally honest it's all I have to hold on to at the moment, the one thing I haven't screwed up. But these are the things that weigh on me, and I just hope I'll be able to get past it... somehow.
Sorry for the wall, I think I just needed to get my thoughts out. Thanks for indulging. PLEASE don't up your pledges because you feel sorry for me, just get more people to watch or subscribe on YT if you can, get the word out about the channel. Again, thanks for just listening.