Everything passes (Patreon)

I haven't drawn Heather for a while, and I've been thinking what could be the reason. Sometimes you just stop feeling the connection with your character - but it's not the case. I can still feel Heather. But my life has changed a lot in the past two years,  precisely since my dad died, and I had Heather years before that.

I've never gave any details about it in public, and most likely I never will. Lime knows how I hate sharing anything personal %)) But it's my Patreon, you're supporting me and you deserve to know some of my world/characters backstory. And the thing is, I had a sort-of-good family in the case of love for me as a child, but my dad had very serious problems with alcohol. He was that type of person who only felt good when the world around him was falling apart, some drive, action - this is when he felt alive. This is also why he felt like a fish in water during the Perestroika. And when everything is stable, he felt bored. He was very smart, educated man who always managed to earn money and have a good job - and he was systematically killing himself since I was three. He almost died 3 or 4 times because of the alcohol, but it actually happened only this time - he had cirrhosis that turned into liver cancer that literally killed him within a month. He was nice, witty and funny when he was sober, and turned into a complete monster, aggressive, yelling, mean, when he was drunk. He never went to work drunk - but he was always drunk home. Don't forget to add some relatives sh!tshow to all that (it was a common thing in the  Soviet union to live together in the small apartments for generations, and of course people start hating each other) - and you'll have a perfect example of the post-Soviet Russian family. And even when we could go to business trips to other places, my dad was still bringing his alco-shit with him.

Honestly a lot of people had and still have this problem here, alcoholism, it's not something unusual. Like any addiction, it destroys families, you never know what to expect, but you know that bad stuff is going to happen in any case. That's why I moved out as soon as I got a chance, my parents were against it but I couldn't exist in this co-dependency anymore. It became slightly better after that because I stopped seeing all that every day. But seeing it during all these years, for more than two decades - I think it's imprinted on me because I know that you can't cure alcoholism - and stupidity, and destructive human nature. I have a pessimistic attitude about the world. At least my mom calls it this way, she still believes in best (and that's why she tried to fight all that - but she lost of course). I myself prefer the term "realistic". 

I was always prepared for the worst, I tended not to have any hopes because I knew how painful it is when they're getting crushed. There were times when death felt like something desirable because it associated with calmness and not-caring. I put all these feelings into my world, Erba, where Heather lives - because I needed to blow off steam somewhere. I wanted to create something beautiful out of the wreckage. Dark, creepy, but beautiful. It helped me to deal with my emotions and feelings back then. 

And now - it's all gone. I'm done mourning, and, despite the sadness, I feel that I'm in the better place right now. I don't have this urge to vent anymore. I'm an adult, I live on my own and I'm about to create my own family (please open the stupid borders). All that nasty stuff is in the past, and the good thing in it is that it really build my character. I didn't break, I used all resources available to pursue my realistic goals, I have an experience of dealing with really bad situations - and getting out of them. I know how to escape co-dependency (including "friends"; seriously, never waste time on people who are only happy when you feel bad). 

There's no need for me to draw Heather in these scenarios anymore - and no urge to draw her in general. She's more like a separated character now (still my close OC, but more independent? I don't know how to explain), and I'd be glad to work on her story without all this stuff I described here - because I don't want to get back to it. This chapter of my life is over.

I'm hoping to draw some mini-comics with her in the future, I have a couple ideas x)) But only when I feel that I'm ready to work on it.

And I hope it all wasn't too personal.