solo trip to co jan 2021 (Patreon)

i used to go out all the time by myself

when i was in my later teens and early twenties. i would book flights and get myself into these conventions with no where really to stay but always figured it out - usually my sponsors or friends i knew of or teammates - i would jut crash with them. it was no big deal. i explored. i went around meeting people, representing myself.

so to have some paranoia as a 27 year old in a cabin by yourself at first felt odd and i was a little overwhelmed. but i realized it was just my awareness. i also watch so many crime shows, haha my fault there. but it was uncomfortable for me at first and i called my mom but seevice doesn’t work but somehow facetime so i do and talk and actually feel a little more stressed but happy to talk to her. called my homie i live with for a bit and felt funny and good. killed a bug.

i slept hard that night though

best sleep i had there hahahah

it went downhill from sleeping from there that bed sucked it was them mattresses that have a hollowed out oval of sadness in the middle of it. don’t know if that makes sense but yes

i hiked quite a bit

it felt so fucking great. i was running i was breathing i was seeing. i was feeling

sometimes i took my time other times i was typical mountain goat ella and moving along

the weather was amazing

i couldn’t have asked for a better intro and outro

i got to work on my insecurities and realizations of what i really need to apply more consistently of again.

i love me some structure

it’s a great thing i decided to compete

and put more serious goals into my tattoos

more serious ella pieces

more big

i envisioned a lot of paintings while out here

that’s nice. i wrote them down real sloppy like.

i hope to bang them out soon. i want them real big too. like them 98 + dollar canvases haha

i’m about to head to get coffee, a tad bit of gas, some water, head to the rental and airport <3

home tonight

i miss my dogs

i am excited about my structure

i am eager to excel in my being

i am aware of my brains moods and tricks

i see myself

it is dark but it is lovely because it makes my light so transcending, so real, so everlasting.

i have to go through a lot to be what i be and i’m aware of what keeps me in love with me so it’s just applying that effort again.

sometimes we get a little off so that we can relearn our priorities, ourselves, our desires, our perceptions, insecurities, strengths, fears.

we must learn ourselves time and time again.

i just treated this like a journal

thank you for reading if you did

and thank you most importantly for supporting me like you do.

much love