I’ve lived and live in so much pain. (Patreon)

sometimes expressing it is so real.

you see everyday i wake up and i might be physically beaten. my back can not tolerate anything poor.

i am suddenly absorbed and concentrated on avoiding pain.

this pain speaks to me and steals my head. i sit and sometimes i am swallowed.

i’ve fought every day since i was 12 to be this strong

this independent

this exotic

this brave

this ella you see before you.

it has not been easy and it is not easy being me .

i hurt so much at times that i go to sleep crying in the bathtub and there’s not much i can do but breathe and stretch it out.

my back is it’s own creature. i’ve learned to respect it.

as much as i can. i am willing to be patient with myself as i learn to be strong through my pain.

i haven’t even begun to discuss my emotional and mental pain. the fact that i have ptsd over what happened with flag nor fail and the other brutal fact that i will still at times have to fight ED.

i may be far away from going back to be bulimic. i am far away... when i think of it i think of how dark i must get to go back there and that seems so hard now... because it feels really good to be where i’m at.. like... real fucking good. sometimes i cry over it. like now.

but images like this hopefully show you just what i’ve done to fight against all this pain i have been given in this life.

i am not upset. this is not me blabbing for pity, it’s me telling you, showing you, if i can go through this and still come out strong, smiling, shining.. then you can too.

we have power.

i am power.