SECRET BASE BULLETIN BOARD /// JUNE 2024 UPDATE (Patreon)

Seriously, who keeps decoupling the toilet paper? We finally splurged for a second ply and one of you has repeatedly broken into the Top Secret Base Top Secret Janitor’s Closet and spun our two-ply back into singles. We honestly aren’t mad. Sure, we were at first, but after three weeks of this we’re simply impressed and believe we can put your talents to better use. Here’s our plan: if you can do that with toilet paper, why not do it with dollar bills? Literally create a double money glitch. We’re all going to be so rich. Or at least twice as rich as we all are now. Kiss your old kids goodbye, hello new-and-improved children!

Ok. Where am I?

WHAT’S COMING UP AT (TOP) SECRET BASE???

We’re celebrating American Independence Day properly with Pretty Good on Monday, then everyone who isn’t a Content Enjoyer or Top Secret Agent will finally get to taste the hot dog Rewinder that Seth and Ryan cooked up on Wednesday, July 3rd (aka 4th of July Eve).

What else in July? Well…

• We’re trying a new Patreon exclusive format dropping on July 8th

• More Annex (hit the comments to guess the theme)

• 'MVP’ returning for more fun on YouTube

• We’re gearing up for the Olympics. I couldn’t believe it’s already been four years, then remembered it’s only been three years since the last Olympics. Thanks, novel coronavirus.

WHAT’S NEW ON PATREON (JUNE RELEASES)

• Pretty Good Episode 14: The history of slipping on banana peels

• An early access look at the aforementioned hot dog Rewinder

• The Annex: Wet (Episode 2)

• Our first crack at a video mailbag (transcript included)

In case you missed any of that, have at it. In case you haven’t unlocked any of that, what’re you waiting for? Please yell your answer directly at your computer and I’ll pause now to listen.

Oh, that’s fair. I understand. When you’re ready, it’ll still be there waiting for you.

WHAT’S NEW ON YOUTUBE

• Why Duncan and Garnett's greatness was difficult for video games to capture

• The Warriors hated Chris Paul for a decade ... then he joined them

• The Denver Nuggets' shocking finish against the '94 Sonics needs a deep rewind

• Jerry West's beef with the Lakers complicated his legendary history with a legendary franchise

• A basketball player once peed while on the bench. It went bad. | The Annex podcast segment

• Two hours of dynasties falling apart | Collapse Marathon

• Dirk Nowitzki: soft, choker… Hall of Famer

We dropped a lot of stuff in June, but wanted to take a sec and say there has never been a more surreal upload that the Jerry West vs. the Lakers Beef History episode. If my notes are correct, Seth pitched that topic on April 18th, and once it finally got into production, the video wrapped the day before Jerry West passed away. We had a long talk about posting it, Seth made some changes to it as a result, but we felt like the story is an honest look at a legendary man and his complicated relationship with a team that did him wrong. If the piece had been a different tone or had covered him in a different light, we definitely would have held off, but I hope given all the coverage of his passing it offered a different, interesting look at a great NBA personality with some added context to why the Lakers statement was basically a little fart.

ARCHDUKE FRANZ FERDINAND DIED SO BUY YOUR KIDS SOME SHOES

We use newspapers.com to do so much. It is our most helpful resource in storytelling and helps us find the context of events when they happened instead of reactive takes from years later. It also offers a nice, educational rabbit hole to spend hours diving through finding interesting stories which thanks to Patreon is NOT us wasting company time, boss (if you're reading this I hope you're well and that you're resting and talk soon!).

Sometimes they recommend famous stories on anniversaries, which happened recently when it came time for all of us to gather around the family table to honor the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Newspapers.com has a deep archive of papers that covered his assassination when it happened, which on its own is an interesting read. Just looking at old newspaper layouts can be cool on its own. For example, here's a page from The Evening Sun out of Baltimore on June 29th, 1914.

That page features tons of stories about the Archduke; how he died in his wife's arms, how a child could take the throne, how sad the pope got over ol Franz.

But there's a good chance you were drawn to the exact same thing on this page as I was.

This shoe ad.

Not to ignore the most interesting thing, but the text paints a very shitty picture of how kids shoes used to work. It basically sounds like N. Hess' Sons made shoes that didn't fit children's feet well at all, but they would eventually fit them down the road. That's.... that's just buying big shoes? Regardless, let's talk about that illustration.

Why is a barefooted child lighting what appears to be, based on size, a stick of dynamite behind those other kids' feet? Is this to say if your child doesn't wear N. Hess' Sons' shoes then he's going to be a total piece of shit who tries to maim the kids who are wearing shoes? Are they claiming that the shoes will protect a child from such an explosion? Is it a threat against buying shoes from some other company?

Also, if those kids wearing shoes are meant to represent customers of the brand advertised, why make them look like fucking dorks? If my imaginary kid came up to me saying "let me look like these dweebs, papa," then I'd certainly avoid allowing my kid to have feet. If that makes him more likely to get into dynamite, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.

I do think we should applaud everyone involved though for displaying a child's assassination attempt on the same page discussing an actual assassination.

Alright. That's it. I got it out of my system. Thanks for coming by, we'll see you soon, and please don't forget that N. Hess' Sons is closed all day on July 4th.