My Better Half (Incomplete Draft) (Patreon)

Howdy, all! I'm sharing the first part of "My Better Half" for feedback and critique. I know the actual writing and transitions right now are clumsy right now, I'd prefer if y'all focused instead on the ideas being presented, what you think of them, and whether or not they work. Luma's a tricky character to nail down. Tell me what you think!

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Magnolia May gave a nervous glance to the wall clock. Her gut churned, like she'd swallowed a whole hive of twittermites.

Magnolia had  never been on a real date before. She'd been tickled absolutely pink  when Pandora asked to meet up for milkshakes. Their grand romantic  affair thus far had been a whirlwind of stolen glances, awkward  giggles, walking the other home everyday, both parties desperately  trying to look cool and unattached and not desperately excited to trade  nervous kisses. Magnolia was especially fond of how Panny held her  hooves within her lion paws- always so gently, as though Magnolia were  made of glass. To actually go on an official date- what did this make the pair now?

Girlfriends? Actual honest-to-Celestia girlfriends?

Magnolia  let out the teeniest giggle, excitedly wiggling her hind hooves. She  wondered how her parents would react. Mama Applejack had always scoffed  that Panny was a 'wily varmint, like 'er daddy', but Mummy Rarity  argued that for all the draconequus' trouble-making, she was perhaps a  diamond in the rough, and only needed the right opportunity to shine.

Other ponies just needed to give Panny a chance. Isn't that what generosity is all about? Magnolia mused....then had to brush aside a more exciting thought. Plus  if we ever get married, it'd make me a princess! Even if only by  technicality. And then I can make a royal decree tellin' Belle Velour to  kiss the fattest, most freckled part of my-

A  great flash of light- like the birth of a star- suddenly appeared  before the unicorn. Magnolia had to shield her eyes, cursing- but she  was able to make out a set of limbs, then a great, horned head. The  light flickered and faded, settling within the eyes of the entity, which  blazed like molten coins. The creature resembled Pandora, but not  quite...right. More like Pandora had been tossed into a laundry load  with too much bleach.

"A warm welcome to you, Magnolia May." The entity spoke, "Thank you for joining me this evening."

Magnolia squinted. ".....Panny? You, uh.....ya don't really look like yourself today, shug."

"I'd expect not." The creature took a seat next to Magnolia and fixed her with an indulgent smile- at least, Magnolia thought  it was a smile. It's lips pulled back over pristine, gleaming fangs,  which gave Magnolia the unfortunate impression that the creature might eat her. "Dear Pandora wanted this date to go perfectly.  She thus elected to shed herself of her mortal imperfections,  eliminating all possibility of accidental explosions or awkward  conversation. She does know how you little ponies enjoy your sense of Order-"  The creature leaned close, and Magnolia could see her own pale  reflection mirrored in it's eyes- "So she pruned away every fragment of  Chaos within herself to create me. I am Pandora, cleansed and reborn. I am pure. I am Order." The entity idly tapped it's claws together. "You may call me Luma."

"....Wait."  Magnolia blinked, confused. "You just.....scrubbed out all yer  mischief-makin' parts? Like they were stains on a carpet? Why?" Magnolia gawked. "How?"

"You  needn't concern yourself with magic outside your comprehension, my  little unicorn." Luma reached over to pat May's hoof. "As for the why- Why, for you,  of course. Pandora quite enjoys your company. Of the entire population  of sapient creatures, you are the only one to elevate her heart rate to  medically unsound levels. As I said before-" Luma emphasized, as though chiding an inattentive foal, "She wanted this meeting to be perfect. So tell us, our dearest Magnolia- what can we do to make your experience tonight both entertaining and ideal?"

"Uh. You could start by not talking like an agent tryin' to sell me a timeshare, for one." Magnolia frowned.

"Fair  enough." Luma hummed. A waitress timidly approached the pair, squinting  in Luma's radiance. Magnolia, grateful for a sistraction, lost no time  ordering her favorite milkshake. "And whatever rainbow colored  concoction tickles the fancy of my draconequus pal, if you please." She  added, with a friendly smirk in Luma's direction.

"Vanilla will  be fine, thank you." Luma stated plainly, dismissing the waitress with a  wave of her paw. Her mouth pulled into an gentle smile, turning her  golden eyes upon her partner. "Why don't you tell me about your day, my  dear?"

"Oh!" Magnolia brightened at that. "It was a doozy, shug. Today was our big cosmetology final. AKA, Judgement day." Magnolia  leaned forward, stomping her hoof against the table dramatically. "And  bein' as this was a pass-or-fail class, this final really was the decidin'  factor in whether us students were meant for a glamorous lifestyle of  makeup artistry among Equestria's elite- or condemned to a fate worse  than Tarturus- a lifetime spent smearing cheap lipstick on frumpy  mothers at the flea market."

"Oh my!" Luma gasped indulgently. "So how did you fair at this crossroad of destiny?"

"I passed, of course!" Magnolia crowed. "They all doubted me- that snob Belle Velour, and Suri Polomare's witch of a daughter- but my project blew all those other chumps outta the water! And I did  it without some hoity-toity rich background, without any fancy  Canterlot connections. All it took was grit, spit, and a lil'  willingness to use lard when I ran outta mane conditioner! My model had  the sleekest, tastiest-smellin' coiffure in the whole class!"

"Well done, Magnolia. You truly are an exceptional little pony." Luma praised warmly, and Magnolia beamed. "So very noble. So remarkably brave."

Magnolia  began to grow sheepish at this flood of accolades, and awkwardly rubbed  the back of her neck with her hoof. "....Well, gosh, sugarcube, it was  just a beauty school test. I dunno if I'd call it particularly brave."

"Oh,  but it is!" Luma pressed. "It's inconceivably brave that you can  entertain this passion for the beauty arts at all, considering the  futility of it all."

The unicorn blinked at her. "...Futility?"

"Naturally."  The waittress returned with their drinks, and Luma took a casual sip of  her milkshake. "Beauty is entirely ephemeral. It's completely  predicated on the ever-changing whims of the very rich little ponies  that regulate the fashion industry. Can you keep up with the trends,  Magnolia? Will you be able to stay on top, even as newer and younger  artists enter the scene? It all seems rather chaotic to me, I'm afraid."

"Um....'course I can!" Magnolia asserted, though her ears slicked back. "I....I won't have to keep track of trends if I'm the one settin' em!"

"Hmm."  Luma busied herself flicking out some wayward rainbow sprinkles that'd  made it into her shake. "May I ask you a question, my good friend?" Her  tail rose through the air like a great serpent, moving to lightly tap  Magnolia's flank. "If your passion is beauty artistry- makeup, mane  styling, and the like- why is your cutie mark a flower?"

Magnolia  flinched. "Uh....um, w-well, maybe it's hard for a non-pony to  understand, but cutie marks aren't necessarily literal. I like doing make-up and styling hair! You think that ain't so just 'cause my mark isn't a compact mirror or a....a hair dryer or somethin'?"

She'd  risen up to loom over the table, her cheeks flushed and her glare  defensive. Luma tilted her head, regarding her with detached curiosity,  the way one might observe a crawling insect.

"I mean...."  Magnolia's temper buckled a little. "....I like flowers, too. I guess."  She admitted, a trace of bitterness coloring her voice. "But it's  just.......Nopony that was ever somepony ever got famous from waterin' rose bushes. It's....mundane,  you know? My mama Rarity's mark doesn't have anything to do with  fashion- her special talent is gem excavation, just like mine  is....floristry." Magnolia mumbled, as though the very word carried  shame. "But do you see my mother dedicating her life to toiling in some  Celestia-forsaken mine? That kinda work ain't for ponies like us! It's for diamond dogs, or-"

"Earth ponies?" Luma suggested, still smiling her thin smile. Magnolia winced.

"No....no...well, I dunno. Maybe?" Magnolia listlessly stirred at her milkshake."I wanna be somebody,  shug. I want my name in lights, I wanna stick it those beauty school  tramps, I want..." She sighed, then fixed Luma with a plaintive look.

"....When  I was a little filly, my mama Jackie rescued a dinky, half-dead little  sapling off the farmer's market trash heap. She told me it'd be my job  to care for it." She snorted at the memory. "And I complained, of  course. Of all the lush, healthy infant trees she could've brought home  from market, she saddled me with this one. I did the bare  minimum. I watered it once a week, I shoveled a load of fertilizer  whenever I remembered. But slowly......those weak, frail little branches  started turnin' green. And....well, maybe it sounds silly, but it was  like I could feel how grateful that tiny tree was to me."

"You're correct." Luma took another sip of her drink. "That does sound silly."

Magnolia  shot the draconequus a glare. "Maybe to you, but I'd never felt  anything like it before. Suddenly, I cared about that teeny little tree!  I wanted her to be all she could be! I started waterin' her like  clockwork, givin' her only the fanciest fertilizer. Mama Jackie showed  me how to channel magic into my hooves so I could push it into the  tree's roots, encouragin' her to grow. Granny Smith taught me all her  kooky farmin' know-how, and soon enough, I was sitting outside with my  lil tree every night, wrappin' her in a baby blanket and singing her  lullabies."

"How very adorable." Luma mused.

"And I'll  tell you somethin'. After countless days and nights of sowin' and  diggin' and waterin' and hopin'.....that stupid little tree bloomed. Perfect,  pristine magnolia blossoms coverin' each branch like fresh snow! And I  tell you, darlin', there ain't....no purer feeling in the world. My  mamas and me had a picnic in the shade of that magnolia tree- and Mama  Jackie plopped her hat on my head and said I'd done the family proud."  Magnolia ducked her hide to hide her smile. "....And that's how I got my  cutie mark."

"Yet you disregard the happiness growing flowers  brings you because you don't feel it to be a grand enough path in life."  Luma pondered. "The work that you love- the same work your mother  Applejack does daily- you feel is beneath you."

".....Yes." Magnolia groaned, burying her face in her hooves. "Landsakes, that makes me sound pretty horrible, doesn't it?"

"Oh, not at all!" Luma answered pleasantly. "I think it's simply heroic you've  forgone your own happiness to align with equine social norms. What a  paragon of order you are, Magnolia! The established social order told  you your special talent was banal, so you abandoned it. Well done. The  majority of society cannot be wrong, after all. You would only be  'horrible' if you refused to follow the common, correct way of thinking."