I’m starting to get a handle on what’s going on (Patreon)

It’s filming itself. I love it don’t get me wrong. I am just searching why I’ve been so down and out of it, and it comes down to the fact that, let’s be honest you guys saw this too, I was pressured to “react properly”.

If it wasn’t as big of emergy as he had, he would stop the video, yell at me and we’d start the video over. I didn’t realize that was still in the back of my mind, but it is. Big time.

I think that mixed with my depression and my addictions returning full swing, it’s so hard to film if I don’t feel “perfect”.

This realization does not make me want to stop though. It actually makes me want to film more, and just keep going. It will be hard. Things might go back to being slow and not videos everyday. I’m not sure yet. All I know is I wanna film, but my mental health is at an all time low.

To be honest, anime is the only thing keeping me level. I am filming the anime’s you see, as well as watching 4 on my own. My brain is hyperfixating really hard, and I don’t know how to get it to stop.

I’m trying to build healthy habits, I have been working out again, but the feelings won’t leave.

SO (TLDR) things might be a little slow, but videos will still come out. I’m going to give myself one more week IF I NEED IT of purely anime or old Kpop content. I will say I plan to watch some old kpop videos (live and/or mvs) so leave comments of some old Kpop you’d like to see to give me more ideas, im gonna show you guys some old SHINee.

Anyways, sorry for rambling. Just needed to get that out and let yall know what’s going on. ❤️‍🩹

Trauma and PTSD is a wild ride, but I’ll be okay 🌻

Love you guys 🖤