Since my voice is tired! I will share my thoughts! (Patreon)

Good day everyone! I figured I would share more of my thoughts like I did yesterday!

I had a really crazy day yesterday but I definitely made some progress on my mental state! I stood up for myself and I’m a tiny bit proud even if I still have a long way to go!

I also had a really weird dream which was like a video game, I was trying to make friends with the npcs! It was super wholesome ! One of them was named Ven and he was my friend!

Hmm, what is your favorite game?

Mine? Beatsaber! I absolutely love it! I’m not super good at it yet but I play almost every day as a small cardio workout and for fun (^_−)−☆

I also really love games that teach you something! Like learning games and games that give an imaginative story!

Hmm, I kind of wanted to write something today since my voice is all worn out, but I couldn’t figure out which story to focus on! Want to help?

Should I write some of:

1: A Romcom of a demon king and hero!

2: A creepy pasta ?

3: A poem!

I know the answers probably aren’t that imaginative but I really love all of the above!

Though I write a lot, sometimes I get this weird hesitancy because I worry when I pick it back up from where I left off it won’t be as good. Does that happen for you too? Sometimes I really doubt myself, mostly because I feel like I’m inconsistent, I’m pretty chaotic honestly.

Sometimes the chaos in my thoughts make it very very tough to focus on one thing, and sometimes especially when I struggle with creativity in work, it really makes me sad. But I always bounce back!

I know it’s kind of random, but one of my biggest fears is being considered lazy, it’s a concept that I never ever want to be. It terrifies me to be honest.

I learned a very fun fact today, my cat binu, she really enjoys being worn as a hat or sitting on my shoulder(well more like ragdolling XD)

I also learned that my dogs ppomo and shiro very much like running around together with me!

Do you have a pet? Animals are like family and I hope you love them if you have them. Though if you don’t have them I think it’s still lovely!

I kept thinking about the audio stories today, it’s been a wild ride and I can’t wait to further the story. I know sometimes that the s2 stuff may seem confusing at first, but I think it will help in the long run to explain things best!

I really love you all so much, and I hope it means something to you. Your kind messages mean so very much to me, I’m thankful for each and every one of you!

What can I do that would make you happy?

I want to make even better things and never stop improving.

I always hear people saying all the characters sound similar, I think it inspires me when I hear it. Because I want to try and make things even more different till every voice is it’s own! I don’t know if I can, but I will never give up!

Want to know a secret? Well not really a secret but a promise I made a long time ago to someone who isn’t around anymore.

I promised my grandma I would try my best to be happy and make others smile. It was in a moment of clarity during her sickness and it always meant a lot to me.

I know it might seem like a silly promise, but being a very loving woman, she really wanted to see me smile. I really miss her sometimes but I am happy just to have the good memories.

Sometimes I get lost in my daydreams, some of them so real I get super anxious when I come back from it. Not because the daydreams are bad but because it’s jarring.

Anxiety is weird isn’t it? How everything can be seen as dangerous and scary, I sometimes think I’m a bit of a coward because I’m really scared of strangers or the world outside. I think honestly it’s because of my trauma.

You know, as much as the bad things scare me, you all make me feel safe and happy. I feel like I’m not alone when I’m able to share with you something from my heart.

I hope I don’t seem too silly or childish but I think I’ve got a lot to learn.

Social interactions are so tough sometimes!

It’s tough to figure out how to express myself sometimes, though I’m at least thankful my response to not knowing what to do is to talk really fast and nonstop.

I feel like sometimes I’m in a limbo of not knowing what is socially acceptable because of my lack of experience. I never really had much exposure to others until college, since I was homeschooled and my parents were way too busy and often left me to my own. Don’t worry though I wasn’t lonely, at least not all the time. I had my best friend who was a boxer dog! She was such a kind soul and I miss her a lot but she was my first friend! I know she lived a lovely life and she inspired me as silly as it is to say.

I wanted to be myself, but I never quite understood what it means to “be yourself” I often times find when I try to think about it too hard there isn’t a whole lot of self to express so I’ll get quiet if I’m not careful.

I think what helps me a little bit is borrowing things and gestures I learn from my friends, especially my room mates and best friends!! Though seeing people’s expressions sometimes helps a lot, since I get really happy if I see someone smile! Though if I’m not careful, I get really manic! I sometimes over express in a socially coping way. I do think I’m getting a little better! Though I’m still not sure what is socially acceptable in all situations, but I’m definitely trying my very best to learn.

Sometimes I think that hugs are the best and worst things. They are lovely and help me feel a little happier, but if they last too long, they can make me feel really scared.

I think that’s why I usually like quick hugs! Sometimes head pats! Though I’m too shy to ever ask someone for one. I’m happy to accept the few I get.

Sometimes I wonder if I talk too much or too little, but I really think it depends on the day, but I definitely love to talk even if I still don’t quite know how to be myself, but I have a feeling “be yourself” is a really tough thing to follow perfectly.

I’ll give you all virtual hugs!

Have you been taking care of yourselves? I really truly hope so! When you do, and I hear that you are caring for yourself, i feel like maybe someday I can be brave and care more for myself.

I admit it, sometimes I don’t really know how to love myself. I try very hard not to hate myself, but admittedly sometimes people saying they hate me gets to me, because I always try and sympathize with everyone, even the mean people. Don’t worry, I won’t let them get me down! And plus there is way more of you all who give so much kindness and help me not to fall into a sad mode.

I want you all to be happy because you deserve it. You’re a lovely and wonderful person. You can do what you love, I just know it. Please don’t feel like you’re all alone. You’re going to get through it! I hope you know, I will always be here and try and give you as much support and love I possibly can, don’t be a stranger ok? You’re definitely not and will always have a random girl on the internet who will try her best to make you smile!

I know this is super long again, and it’s totally fine if nobody reads it, I just want to share a piece of myself with all of you. You’re the closest to family I will ever have and I appreciate you every day. Thank you for existing and remember to never lose your heart or kindness! If you have anything you’ve done that you’re proud of please feel free to share! Or even if you’re feeling down you can leave a comment and I’ll try and help you cheer up! Thank you everyone and love y’all lots!