It's... Actually Quite Easy Being Green! (Patreon)

Four years had passed since crown prince Joshua Crowley had disappeared. And in those years the kingdom of West Galria had been hit with hard times. The once-peaceful Elves of a neighboring kingdom had started marching upon the Galrians and conquered county after county with their superior strength and size. The king and his council tried to resist but there was little to be done. Their only hope seemed to lie in the superior strategic and diplomatic skills of the lost prince. And so a team of bounty hunters were ordered to seek him out.

After many months, one such bounty hunter found a promising lead and arranged for her fellow hunters to meet her in the port city of Shellside, a large but corrupt and lawless city infamous for serving all kinds of thieves. The team asked around, broke a few fingers and eventually got their answer.

“Some fella named Crowley was taken to the Pyreside Guesthouse!” Was what the old dwarf had confessed at knife point. “I tells ya, that Crowley fella disappeared only a few days after gettin’ to town! And that was years ago! He ain’t here no more!”

The team left the dwarf in the alleyway, having gotten their best lead yet and continued on to the Pyreside Guesthouse. After asking for directions, it was quite easy to find it. The name was featured in magical lights outside of the large wooden building. Or buildings, since it looked like a single large manor with countless smaller houses hastily built onto it like a bunch of tumors. Garish and rickety was the general aesthetic and there was a disharmonious cacophony emanating from it. Sounds of rough fights, heated arguments, passionate laughter, joyous singing and sloppy lovemaking betrayed what a dive it was. But that kind of stuff came with the bounty hunter profession, so the team ventured inside thinking little of it.

Well inside they were greeted with roughhousing guests, scantily clad men and women and behind the immaculately tended bar stood a large and heavyset redhead Elf. While men and women were trashing the place in front of her, she calmly cleaned her cups with dauntless confidence. A single look was all it took to realize that if any of the patrons even slipped to cause damage to her precious space, she would make good use of the absurdly large scimitar hanging between the racks of liquor. So it was pretty obvious to the newcomers that despite being permitted to destroy the tables and each others’ faces, they wouldn’t even dare mess with the bartender.

Seeing that as a good start, one of the bounty hunters braved her with a question regarding the crown prince.

“Never heard of ‘im.” She replied without taking her attention off of her cups.

“Search your memory as if it was those drink racks, lady! We didn’t come here from two kingdoms over just to hear that everyone we’ve spoken to was lyin’!” Another bounty hunter demanded.

“Whas’ the name again? Carson? Princess Jeffery Carson?” The Elf joked.

Tired and cranky, one of the bounty hunters slammed a pencil sketch of the crown prince on the mahogany bar. “Crown prince Joshua Crowley of West Galria! And if you don’t tell us, we’ll smash every bottle you’ve got back there!” He growled.

The redhead smirked and carefully set down her cleaning tools and the cup she had been using them for.

“Fair enough. I don’t think any of you will leave this joint alive if you tried, but you’d still cause enough harm to my treasures to haunt my dreams. So I’ll tell you what…” She smiled and turned around to a particular space on the wall behind her where a couple dozen of hooks had been screwed in. Each hook had a golden whistle hanging from it with a name written underneath. Searching with her eyes, she found the one that read “Josie - Goblin - Barmaid.” Taking the whistle to her mouth, she blew hard but no sound was heard.

“She’ll be here in a moment. Can I pour you something while you wait?”

~

“Oh shit! Oh feck-shit!” A high-pitched voice shouted from one of the many private rooms of the guesthouse. The voice was owned by a Goblin girl who had been woken up by hearing the tune of her personal servant whistle, a common tool in Shellside to catch the attention of most lower employees. She knew that she had to hurry. Her boss would be pissed if she took too long. Though, it would be hard to be speedy when a massive Elf man was sleeping on top of her. Cursed be her preference to be a little spoon!

“Get off me, fatass!” She yelled, but the man remained sleeping so all she could do was to shimmy and scoot around to try and noodle her way out from under him. After much effort, she was freed and she hastily pulled on her ratty red dress and grabbed her heeled sandals and bustier. She would have to put those on properly after seeing what Annsi, the Elf bartender wanted from her.

With quick but short steps she rushed downstairs, making many boys and girls on her way appreciate how her body jiggled at every step. It was one of the “finer pleasures” of the greater races, to see how the shortstacks moved when compelled to run. Which was not a thing the Goblins often did unless they absolutely had to. For both sexes even, since the gentlemen only differed from the ladies in their absence of comically large breasts. Their butts were just as big and jiggly.

Soon enough, the little green lady had arrived in front of the bar and hopped up on the stepping stool placed for her kind.

“Sorry I’m late! What can I do for ya, Annsi?” She panted before Annsi who had gotten back to cleaning her cups after having poured a few drinks to some of the bounty hunters.

“These fellows are looking for a human named Joshua. Do you know of anyone named that?”

Taking a look to her side, the little greenskin looked somewhat paler. “Awh, shitcocks…”

~

Moments later, the team had been seated at a corner table away from most of the ruckus. The Goblin introduced herself as Josie, the barmaid and insisted on serving them all another round before explaining herself. The story was not very long or detailed but it ended in a pretty obvious way. Crown prince Joshua Crowley of West Galria, who was so gifted in diplomacy and military strategy, had gotten tired of ruling and fled to see the world. But after arriving in Shellside, he grew enamored with the raw and honest harshness of the brutes and thieves of the city.

“Shit happened that made me realize some things about myself and I decided to drink two kegs of Verdant Flake Ale in one night and I woke up as a Goblin chick! And I feckin’ love it! I’m so jiggly now!” she beamed a smile while shaking her boobs in front of her “saviors.”

A silence fell upon the table that seemed to last long enough to make the pints of beer go flat.

“This is ridiculous!” One of the bounty hunters yelled. “You can’t just run away from your responsibilities like this! You’re the crown prince of West Galria!”

The other bounty hunters agreed wordlessly.

“Uuuh, last time I checked I can do that and I did so nyeh!” Josie blew a raspberry at the men and women who all looked slightly perturbed at how immature the once-noble was acting. Was there really anything to be done about this situation other than grabbing this bratty greenskin by the scruff of her neck and stuffing her in a flour sack? But Josie continued to speak. “Besides, all that poop about my strategic genius? That’s all from the Advanced Guide to Military Strategy And Dragon Killing, the 3.5 Edition. Any one of you nerds could read it and become knighted into royalty by following what it says.”

And with those words, the eyes of the bounty hunters lit up with ambition. It would be pretty easy to rise up through the ranks considering just how desperate the kingdom was right now. The men and women looked at each other with suspicion. Once allies in their quest to save the crown prince, now potential rivals?

Suddenly, they all seemed to have gotten the same idea and ran out of the dive all at once, never to be seen again. All except one of them who was still seated with Josie.

“Didn’t you get the message? Knighted. Into. Royalty.” she nudged the man.

“Yeah, well I was hoping you’d tell me what book to read up on your diplomatic know-how too.” He asked calmly.

“Oh, that? That’s just luck and charisma. Like convincing a bunch of greedy mercenaries to leave me alone by giving them a book recommendation.”

“So is the book a fake?”

“No, it’s real and what I said about it is also true.”

The mercenary went quiet for a moment before standing up. “Weeeeell, it’s been great meeting you, Josie the barmaid, but I really must be going now.”

“Hold it!” She grabbed his wrist with her little hand. “Those idiots left without paying for their drinks. So you either pay Annsi over there or…”

She smirked and moved closer to the man, pressing her huge breasts into his side. “Or you can pay me… if you catch my drift.” She said with a wink.

- The End

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This was a super fun pinup to draw! Thanks to everyone who voted <3