Bonus Episode: The Process (Patreon)

Welcome to The Process!

The voice of The Process is Jeffrey Cranor.

Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com

Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com

Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. http://welcometonightvale.com

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Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com

TRANSCRIPT:

Welcome to the process.

You have been brought here due to a report from a co-worker, friend, loved one, or because your misdeeds were captured on one of the several cameras we had placed in your home for your safety.

Please do not try to break through the door or any of the cautionary straps on your chair. This could cause injury, to yourself or others, but mostly to yourself. Let’s try to stay calm here. Try taking a few deep breaths to remind yourself of how useful lungs are, and how unpleasant life might be if they were removed. Do you feel better? Great.

By continuing with the process, you are agreeing to continue with the process. Please continue now if you agree.

Thank you.

The process is not recommended for children or anyone over the age of eight. The process may cause harm to glands, nodes, or bone structures. We are not responsible for anything that happens during the process, not even the words we are saying right now. Maybe especially the words we are saying right now. Who even knows where words come from? The mind is a mysterious place, and you can’t prove that what I’m saying now is anything more than the accidental by-product of chemical reactions.

Do you consent to the terms and conditions of the process, as outlined in the packet you should have been given? Did you get a packet? No? Ok, well you should have been given a packet. We can’t be held responsible for you not being given a packet. That was Lucy’s job and she’s been so upset lately on account of her dog is sick. You have to cut Lucy some slack. Try to be a little more forgiving. Thank you. If you consent to what the packet Lucy was supposed to give you said and also anything else we decide to add to the terms later, please say “yes”.

I have the volume muted on the cameras we had placed in your home for safety, so I was unable to hear your response, but it looked like you said “yes” and we’ll hold you to that. Legally, we mean. This is a legally binding agreement. Ok? Great.

Let’s have some fun and get started.

The first step in the process is mindfulness. Think about what you’re thinking about. Is it a good thing to think about? Do you imagine that normal people think about that? What deeper pathologies in your brain might be indicated by thinking about that? Ok, now say out loud what you were thinking about. Do this in an audible, clear voice. Don’t worry, no one is listening.

Well. Except us. We were listening… for your safety, and because we were curious. And ok, we kid around a lot here at the process, but what you were thinking is…No, it’s fine. Don’t worry. It’s fine. The process is not here to judge. Which is lucky for you.

Wait, were you joking, though? Was that a joke? It was, right? You were pulling our leg, making yourself look weird for “a bit”? Nod if you were joking.

Ok. Mm. I’m not sure we appreciate you joking during the process, but at least you weren’t actually thinking that. We might have had a real problem on our hands.

This concludes step one.

Step two of the process is Enemies. Do you have many enemies? No? That’s naïve. Your enemies will be able to easily defeat you with that attitude.

Who do you think your enemies are? What are they plotting? How will they use your own weaknesses against you? You should murmur these questions to yourself in quiet moments, like the shower or a dinner with your mother. This will help you be more prepared and thus more relaxed. Don’t you feel so relaxed already? Good.

Step three of the process is free dance. During this time, you should use your body to express your fears and hatreds. What movements can you make with your elbow to express fear? What contortions of your hips indicate hatred? Think about that as you dance.

We will play appropriate dance music. Please dance expressively…now.

[30 seconds of music]

Thank you. You may stop dancing. We have learned a lot about you, and think that we are already growing quite close. Do you feel close to us? [beat] Interesting.

Step four of the process isn’t anything you have to do. It’s something that will be done to you. If you feel a sting in the back of your neck, that’s the process working. Remember: pain is just pain entering the body. If you feel squirming in your veins or buzzing in your teeth, know that it’s all part of the plan. You are part of the plan. Whose plan? For what? Don’t be a busy body. Your mother didn’t raise you that way. Your mother didn’t raise you at all. Who was that woman in your house? That’s a question that we don’t have time for today.

Step five of the process is classified. Please [CENSORED]. Now, extend your [CENSORED] until you feel a [CENSORED]. When the [CENSORED] is fully rotated, you should hear a [CENSORED]. This may cause some slight itching under your [CENSORED]. That is normal and only indicates that the [CENSORED] is working. If you feel any pain in your [CENSORED] please [CENSORED] immediately. Now that the [CENSORED] is in place, you may begin to chant the [CENSORED] while carefully pouring the [CENSORED] into the basin of lamb’s blood.

If any of these instructions were unclear, then you are in real trouble right now, because the steps must be followed exactly or [VERY LONG CENSORED].

Step six. The sound of a lawn mower that you can’t see, but it’s nearby. [THAT SOUND]

Step seven. Now that you have been softened up, it’s time to get to the real work of change. But in order to do that change, we need you to want to change. So it’s time to want to change.  Want to change. Want to change. Good.

Step 8. Now comes the change. The change should be painless, simple, and almost instantaneous. In a perfect world, that’s what the change should be. Unfortunately, in the real world it takes several days, has a high failure rate, and is incredibly painful. But wouldn’t it be nice if that weren’t true? Anyway, please get in the box. Get in the box. Get in the box. Good. Once in the box, please hold as still as possible. You wouldn’t want us to make any mistakes.

The Night Vale City Council and a Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency thank you for taking part in the Process. There will be a short survey once the change is complete. We encourage you to leave a good review as that really helps us out with our intergalactic overlords.  The pad will also ask you a few questions about a tip. 20% is standard, although we hope you feel that your time with us was exceptional enough to warrant a little more.

And remember, trust the process.

[a drilling sound approaches the head]