Bonus Episode: The Dotted Lines Podcast (Patreon)

Your host, Steve Carlsberg, gets to the bottom of Night Vale's lies. Today's episode: the Whispering Forest.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin.

Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com

Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com

Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com

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Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com

TRANSCRIPT:

STEVE: Hey, friends, your host Steve Carlsberg here, and it’s time once again for Dotted Lines, the only podcast to give you the truth behind Night Vale’s lies. Today, we’ll be talking about The Whispering Forest.

About 20 minutes east of my home town of Night Vale, there’s a forest, and according to my brother-in-law, Cecil Gershwin-Palmer, who hosts the third-most popular radio show in town, the Whispering Forest has the power to turn humans into trees.

The story goes that if you go into the Whispering Forest, you’ll start hearing disembodied voices saying nice things to you. Things like: “Nice pants, Herschel” or “You’re very good at applying eye shadow, Belinda” or “I love your TikTok channel, Hank.” And then it will become impossible to resist their compliments, and before you know it… Boom! You’re a tree.

Well, Cecil has a habit of…um… embellishing certain details in his stories. Sometimes he says pretty unbelievable things like “there’s a cat floating four feet off the ground here in my radio station.” And he can just say something ludicrous like that because he’s on the radio. You can’t see it, so you just have to believe whatever he says.

I remember seeing a cat, Night Vale. That part is true. But that cat was never floating at a fixed point four feet off the ground! Are you kidding me? It was MAYBE 2 and a half feet. If that. But that’s the media for you. They’ve got to get listeners, viewers, readers, clicks, likes, whatever… and by any means necessary, even if it means dressing up the story a bit.

Plus all that corporate cash that terrestrial radio stations get from advertising. You can’t fully trust the media, folks. Follow the money.

So you’ll understand why I think the Whispering Forest is a bit of a lie. Using what I learned from my BFA in Arboreal Sciences, and my investigative podcast skills, we’re getting to the bottom of The Whispering Forest today. But first…

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Thank you to the University of What It Is for sponsoring this episode of Dotted Lines.

[read really fast, audio fineprint] No compensation was offered or accepted for this ad. The University of What It Is believes only in the convincing power of Truth. Understanding cannot be purchased, only earned through rigorous study. The University of What It Is is not an accredited institution as monitored by the US Department of Education, as all governments are biased against knowledge in an effort to protect their own nationalist-interests. The University of What It Is is a University of What It Is-accredited institution. [end fast-talk]

Wow, the University of What It Is sounds really interesting. Maybe I’ll work on getting a second MBA there. I definitely want to improve my business skills.

But enough about the sponsor, time to talk about The Whispering Forest. Now, I’m not saying that what we think we know about The Whispering Forest is wrong. I’m only saying it’s all lies. Lies perpetuated by our government, the shadow governments below that, and the media that they control

I learned when I got my doctorate in Journalism that there are three ways to get to the truth. One: Go to the library. I absolutely will not be doing that. Not after what happened to Mitch Degraw who was simply trying to check out a copy of Where the Crawdads Sing for his Sunday night book club. Poor guy had an unpaid fine, and no one has seen him since. Well, they’ve seen parts of him, in and around the library parking lot. But they haven’t seen Mitch himself in months. Who knows what happened to him?

The second way to get to the truth is to talk to informants. Ask questions. But the only people I know who’ve been to the Whispering Forest (and returned) are Cecil and his husband Carlos, both of whom are technically related to me, so those are biased sources.

And third: investigate the story yourself. Classic detective legwork. And that’s what I’m doing. Right now. I’m parked at the Trailhead gravel lot leading into the whispering forest. And I’m going in.

Hey. This is a pretty nice walk. Not super steep. Lots of beautiful old, what are these? Aspens? Pines? Gee, I sure don’t know my trees. Probably should go get another degree, just to refresh myself.

VERY FAINT WHISPER: You deeee-serrrve a niiiice walllllk.

STEVE: Huh. Okay. I think there’s a bit of a breeze coming through the leaves. Almost sounded like a person talking. But it was definitely just the wind.

VFW: youuuurrrr podcassst is evennn bettterrrrr thannnn the adventurrre zooonne.

STEVE: What?

Oh, I thought I heard someone out here. It sounded like one of my listeners? Maybe?

Well, the Whispering Forest seems like a pretty normal forest. Nice little hiking trail, lots of shade from the harsh desert sun. A real oasis.

Ha! Maybe I should start a Hiking Trails Review Podcast. I’m pretty good at this.

VFW: Youuuu arrrrre

STEVE: Ugh. [he’s scratching himself a lot]

The mosquitos here are really bad. I’m itching all over. Geez. I can’t stop scratching. My arms and legs are just covered in bumps. Hard, knobby bumps.

Wait.

These don’t feel like mosquito bites.

And I don’t see any mosquitos. What’s biting me? Spiders? Ants? Sand Wasps? I don’t see anything on me. Just…

What is this?

Listeners, one of the insect bites on my arm is green. And long. It… It looks like a tiny leaf, like a sprig of cilantro where an arm hair should be.

VFW: Youuu have excelllllent tasssste in five-toe shoooooes, Steeeeve.

STEVE: Hey thanks! They’re really for comfort but I’m glad you like… Hey! Who said that?

Listeners, I think someone else is here with me. I’m trying to look around but I can’t see much. Is there something in my eyes?

Oh! There is something in my eyes. It feels like… bark? Is this tree bark covering my eyes? What’s happening here? I’m trying to peel it off, but… Ow. That hurts. It’s almost like it’s growing out of me.

VFW: We loooove havvving you overrrr, Steeeeve. We wissshh yoooouuu could stay longggger.

STEVE: Really, I should be going. That’s very nice. Thank you. But yeah, no, haha, you know how it is with kids and a job. I’m on my lunch break from the bank right now. I uh. I really should be getting back.

VFW: ssssttaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

STEVE: MMmmm.. I can’t move my feet, listeners. I think they’re growing into the ground itself. I’m not sure if anyone will ever find me, if I can’t get free. I probably should have told someone other than my podcast audience I was coming here. Because you won’t ever get to hear this episode. Geeezzz, what a bummmmrmrrmr. Bummmmrmrr.. [his mouth is getting covered in tree bark] Cn’t tlk. CN’T TLK. MMMPP. MMMPPP.

VFW: You’rrrrre a verrrry prettyyyy treeee, Steeeeeve. Weeee cannnnn’t waiiiiiit toooooo havvve youurrrrr whoooooole fammmily.

STEVE: MMMMPH! MMMPH! [suddenly clearly] OW! Hey you keep your grabby branches off my family!

VFW: Buuttttt Steeeeeeeve

STEVE: (Ow! Gotta peel away this bark growing out of my skin. Owwww! Ow!) No way, tree cult! You leave Abby and Janice out of this. I’m just trying to do a podcast in my spare time, not turn my family into a jungle.

VFW: Well, okaaaay. If you ever want usssss to come on your showwwww as a guesssst, just let ussss know.

STEVE: oh, sure! I love having gue… Wait! No more compliments. LALALALA Can’t hear you! Can’t hear you. [close to the mic] listeners, I’m plugging my ears and headed back to my car. [yelling back to the forest] Oh! And that’s wrong what you said about my podcast being better than The Adventure Zone! It’s not better, because podcasting is not a competition!

[back to normal podcasting to the listeners] Well, Dotted Lines fans, I’m back at the trailhead, safe and sound. And here are the truths we found out about the Whispering Forest versus the lies we’ve been told.

LIE: The Whispering Forest is a forest that whispers. TRUTH: The Whispering Forest is more of a woodland area that hisses at you.

LIE: The Whispering Forest will compliment you. TRUTH: The Whispering Forest will tell you what it thinks you want to hear.

LIE: You will turn into a tree if you enter the Whispering Forest. TRUTH: You will only turn into a tree if you want to turn into a tree. Once you see through their facade, you won’t want to.

LIE: Five-toe shoes are stylish. TRUTH: I got these as a gift from my boss, so I only wear them to work. To be nice.

Well, that’s the truth about The Whispering Forest. Thanks again for listening. And as always, See ya ‘round, pals! See ya ‘round!

[outro music]

Dotted Lines is hosted, edited, and produced by me, Steve Carlsberg. It’s part of the Minimum Fun Podcast Network.

Today’s Aphorism: All that glitters is not gold. Some of it is precious gems. Some of it is rock candy. Some of it is nice earrings. So much glittering.