Before They Were Night Vale: Texas sucks (Patreon)

If you went to public school in America, it’s likely that your textbook was dramatically altered by conservative Texans. Texas has two important qualities when it comes to shaping textbooks: 1) a lot of purchase power for textbooks, because of their enormous population; and 2) a powerful minority of fiercely conservative (read: white supremacist) politicians.

So when textbook companies are putting together textbooks to sell to public schools across America, they need to impress the Texas Board of Education, otherwise, they’ll lose that enormous market. So if you want to cover 19th Century American history, then slavery is going to need to be a states rights issue. If you want to cover evolution in Earth Science, then you should probably teach the controversy. And if you’re putting together a compendium of World Literature, it’s going to have to be almost all European white men.

(Texas, in general, sucks. I can say that. I’m from there. But you can say it too. Go ahead. Say it out loud. You have my permission.)

The thing about history, about facts, about information, is that none of it means anything because it can mean everything. Delete some key information, and the other stuff seems more important. Drill down into one single topic, however controversial, and you can make it sound completely reasonable to someone not paying close enough attention.

I wrote this play for the Neo-Futurists in 2010, based on this information. I wanted to demonstrate in a meta/satirical way how one can control the narrative. There are three key factors to not just winning a debate but shutting it down before it ever begins: 1) say it with conviction; 2) change the subject constantly; 3) use cliches or common, irrefutable idioms to drive home your point, even if they’re unrelated. It’s hard to argue with common sense, after all.

Play #11 (for/after Texas Board of Education)
© Jeffrey Cranor, 2010

Neos 1-5 spread out on stage. Neo with a bullhorn (BH) is at the back of the house. Dialogue moves quickly. House lights on. Stage lights florescent & bright.

BH: Play #11 is a comedy.

1: You will laugh until your cheeks pulse red and your ribs ache.

BH: Play #11 is artistic.

2: A pastiche of post-modern European influences,

3: it deals with important issues the way few live performances deal with those things.

BH: Play #11 is a tragedy.

4: A heartbreaking story for our time.

5: With gorgeous orchestrations by an Oscar- & Tony-winning composer.

BH: Play #11 is an epic journey.

1: Not unlike the Greek classics.

2: Homeric wordsmithing of great adventures.

BH: Play #11 is a comedy.

3: With pratfalls

4: And clever witticisms.

BH: Play #11 knows exactly what it wants.

5: It doesn't hesitate.

1: It doesn't hold back.

2: It...

pause for effect

3: ...pauses for effect.

BH: Play #11 has a car chase.

4: Oh yes. It has several of them.

5: Big, loud, cgi-filled chases & explosions through crowded city streets.

BH: But at its heart, Play #11 is a romance.

1: Think The Notebook meets Bridges of Madison County meets The Notebook again.

2: It's that romantic.

BH: Play #11 is bold. Play #11 is subtle. Play #11 is neo-classical.

3: A structured, verse-driven costume piece...

BH: Play #11 is not neo-classical anymore.

4: Well, then it remains in the classical traditions...

BH: Play #11 is neo-classical again.

5: In its scope, it achieves near cinematic grandeur.

1: And, it achieves this effect with intense shifts in lighting & set design.

lighting changes dramatically; someone knocks something over on stage

BH: Play #11 is not actually a play.

2: It challenges the very notion of what it means to see theater.

BH: Play #11 does NOT involve Thomas Jefferson.

3: It stars a monkey.

4: A clapping monkey.

5: This monkey has been cast as John Calvin.

BH: Play #11 is now about dinosaurs.

1: Think Jurassic Park meets Jurassic Park 2 meets Aliens...

BH: Play #11 believes in the free-enterprise system.

1: ...meets Wall Street.

BH: Play #11 enacted civil rights legislation.

2: It didn't actually...

BH: Play #11 has always been being performed right now forever. Play #11 is what you want it to be. Play #11 is what we want it to be. Play #11 is what it wants it to be. Play #11 is a history play.

3: History is confusing.

4: History is malleable.

5: History is rotten.

BH: History is adorable! Play #11 is a YouTube video of a big-eyed, sleepy Persian kitten play-wrestling with a long-haired bunny. Play #11 is important. Play #11 is political. Play #11 is...

1: ... adjective.

BH: Play #11...

2: ... adverb verb.

BH: Play #11...

3: ... predicate.

BH: Play #11 would like for you to remember the Alamo.

4: Curtain.