Before They Were Night Vale: God can help you with anything (Patreon)

Welcome to "Before They Were Night Vale", our feature in which Night Vale creators Jeffrey and Joseph share writing from before their Welcome to Night Vale collaboration, along with commentary. Come explore their early writing, both good and bad.  

(NOTE: Below is a tiny play I wrote back in 2007, and you can play along. Maybe even post your results in the comments if you feel so inclined to share. Stay tuned to the end. I’ll keep it short. - jeffrey)

The Bible is weird. Maybe the book itself isn’t weird, but the way we sometimes use it is weird. I grew up around people who liked quoting Bible verses as a form of self help. Feeling lost? Maybe try this random patch of text, completely out of context, that was written millennia ago and rewritten dozens of times over the following centuries in order to fit the selfish political needs of monarchs and popes?

But The Bible also contains some pretty insidious shit about homosexuality, menstruation, and working on Saturdays. Not to mention all the boring stuff about who begat whom, and how long a cubit is. 

I thought it might be fun to play around with this idea that the Bible is a well of helpful ideas. But instead of picking and choosing only the passages that are pithy and wise, what if we allowed ourselves the entire book to mine for advice? And what if we did it randomly? So here’s that play. 

God can help you with anything.
© 2007, Jeffrey Cranor

[ 1 & 2 sit center. 2 lays their head on 1's shoulder. ]

1: What's wrong?

2: [ briefly explains a problem/conundrum/dilemma s/he is facing right now. ]

[ 3 enters with Bible; stands next to 1; flips to a random verse, points to it and hands Bible to 1; 3 exits ]

1: [ Reads verse aloud to 2 (including saying the book, chapter and verse number at the start). ]

2: [ responds]

CURTAIN

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Play along at home!If you have a problem or concern you’re dealing with, state that issue aloud, and then use this Random Bible Verse Generator to see if God is any help: https://randomwordgenerator.com/bible.php

I’ll go first. 

ME: I’m struggling to confront my family about their support for Trump. 

RANDOM BIBLE VERSE: Isaiah 30:4 – “Though they have officials in Zoan and their envoys have arrived in Hanes.”