Before They Were Night Vale #5: Butthole Cookies (Patreon)

(content warning: probably best not to eat food in and around the reading of this.)

The concept of this old NY Neo-Futurist play was simple: optimist vs pessimist. Literally, we have the half-full/half-empty back-and-forth right in the middle of it. As a rhetorical debate, this isn't terribly interesting. What is interesting are the performances of Lauren and Dan.

I'll get to Dan in a second, but first, Night Vale listeners probably already know Lauren Sharpe as the voice of Lauren Mallard of StrexCorp. I met Lauren the same day I met Joseph Fink, sometime in March 2009, when they were in the same call-back group for NY Neo-Futurist Auditions (Kate Jones, the voice of Michelle Nguyen was in that group, too). 

The very reason I wanted Lauren in this play with me was the same reason I would cast her four years later to play Lauren Mallard: she has the most positive demeanor. Like she gives off helium. We all float up around Lauren Sharpe. 

So remember that voice when you read this, and unlike her StrexCorp character, there's no subtext of intention. She's simply presenting a cheery depiction of life and history, against my much more grumpy-dad cynicism. 

And then come Dan McCoy to unite us over cookies and milk. Ah, yes, the tasty treat we can all agree upon. 

Dan enters the stage already holding two cookies, one for each of us. (We usually bought Keebler Soft Batch, because they're the absolute best of the packaged cookie.) And while his gesture falls decidedly on the side of "Good" here, there's one more thing. As we finish our cookies, he asks if we want more and then according to the stage direction he pulls two more out of his underwear. 

Gross. These cookies are, in fact, "Bad." Good joke, Cranor. 

But it was a good joke. Not because of me, but because of Dan McCoy, who ratcheted this stage direction up several more notches. 

The first night we did this play, Lauren and I did not know what Dan was going to do. Well, we did, because it's in the stage directions, but we were wrong. When Dan asked us, live on stage, "You guys want some more?" we nodded, and Dan turned around pulled down his pants (underwear and all) and used both hands to spread open his butt cheeks as two (very warm) Keebler Soft Batch cookies thunked onto the table below. 

"Curtain!" was called and everyone was off to set up the next play, but not me and Lauren. We were too in shock. Perhaps we still are. 

Good/Bad
© 2009, Jeffrey Cranor

[Table center. Jeffrey Cranor & Lauren Sharpe on either side. On the table are 2 clear glasses of milk, half-full (or half-empty).]

JC: Some day.

LS: Yes. It was quite a day.

JC: No. Not today. Just some day. In history. Any day. Pick a day.

LS: [lauren picks a day (i.e. September 28, 1453 or January 2, 1987)]

JC: On that day in history a son misunderstood his father's intentions. A young girl lost something she hadn't until then realized was important to her. Perhaps it was taken from her. An animal was beaten. Truth was just a mask for lies. Many deaths that day. There was disease. Fighting. Oppression happened. Bad music.

LS: Some day.

JC: Yes. It was quite a day.

LS: No. I'm sorry. Some other day. In history. Any day. Pick a day.

JC: [Jeffrey names a day in history]

LS: A flower bloomed. Many people discovered spirituality in context with themselves. A little boy....

[beat] 

That's it -- just a little boy somewhere standing around being totally adorable. Wide-eyed and all potential. A young woman, beautiful and wise, was blissfully unaware of the many lives she would change for the better. Love. Wine. Dancing happened. Great music. 

[they face each other]

JC: AIDS.

LS: Art.

JC: Cancer.

LS: Nature.

JC: Murder.

LS: Beer.

JC: Bombs.

LS: Family.

JC: Bureaucracy.

LS: Puppies.

JC: [indicates cup of milk] Half-empty.

LS: Half-full.

JC: [drinks milk] No. Totally empty.

LS: Hey, Dan!

[Dan McCoy enters holding 2 cookies. He gives them each 1. He remains by the table. JC & LS eat their cookies. LS shares her milk w/JC. Dan watches.]

LS: Cookies.

JC: Yes. Cookies.

LS: Warm cookies.

JC & LS: Mmmmmm

DM: You guys want some more? 

[Dan pulls a fistful of cookies from his underwear]

CURTAIN