Before They Were Night Vale #2: Self-conscious acting exorcise (Patreon)

Welcome to "Before They Were Night Vale", our new feature in which Night Vale creators Jeffrey and Joseph share writing from before their Welcome to Night Vale collaboration, along with commentary. Come explore their early writing, both good and bad. 

JEFFREY: I joined the performance art ensemble the New York Neo-Futurists in 2006. I was accepted into the company on the strength of my writing, not my acting skills. Thankfully, the Neos don’t really rely on acting so much as performance skills. The aesthetic of their work is that there’s no pretense: You are who you are; you are where you are; you are doing what you’re doing. There’s no suspension of disbelief.

But I still wanted to challenge myself to learn acting. I love theater, studied playwriting and theater history in college, but I had never taken a single acting course. So in 2007, I signed up for a screen acting workshop, taught by my now friend Paul Valley. In that class were two of my fellow Neos: Eevin Hartsough and Rob Neill. And both Eevin and Rob were long-time professional actors, having landed commercials, voice overs, Broadway tours, etc. 

I was intimidated. It’s one thing to put yourself on the line in front of a room full of strangers, but it’s quite another to do it in a room full of friends. The latter is so much harder. 

At one point in the class, I did a scene with Eevin, and our instructor, Paul, videoed it and played it back for us, giving us positive notes. I acted the shit out of that scene, playing a dying patient in love with his nurse. I was scared but confident I had given it my all. 

When he finished playing back the tape to the class, Paul said “Jeffrey, really great awareness of the four corners of the screen. You’ve got a natural sense for where the camera is on your face. All you need to do now is mix in some acting.”

Ouch. I mean, I was… acting… right? I gave up the acting thing. I’m confident in my writing and even in my public performance skills, as long as I’m able to be some version of myself. But actually embodying another character entirely was probably not my lane. 

Below is a short play I wrote for the Neo-Futurists’ weekly show, The Infinite Wrench (although back in 2007, it was called Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind). I wrote this play to assuage my self-consciousness over how bad I was at acting. The dialogue wrote for Eevin and Rob is all of the things I wish they had said to me. But this being the Neo-Futurists and our honest approach to writing & performance, I couldn’t make Eevin & Rob say these things unless they truly believed them.

I was afraid to ask, so instead, I cast two audience members as Eevin and Rob. When it came time for their lines, I would hand them a notecard with their dialogue (and any necessary stage directions). The deceit here is obvious as you watch it – that this poor actor (me) really wants unearned respect from his fellow acting students. The effect is funny and charming, because it puts the onus on the audience members to make acting choices themselves. I think the rest of the audience experienced less of a story about me wanting to be a better actor, and more a story about two confederates just trying to get through this scene without embarrassing themselves.

I know the feeling.

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Self-conscious acting exorcise
© 2007, Jeffrey Cranor

[JC sits in the chair, center, with audience members (A1 and A2) on blocks on either side of him. JC hands a notecard to A1 and/or A2 when it's time for their next line.]

JEFFREY: [to A1] You'll play the part of Eevin, [to A2] and you'll play the part of Rob. I'll give you your cue cards for your lines, okay? 

[to A1] You and I did a scene together, Eevin.

EEVIN: Yes. Outside of us being in the Neo-Futurists, we're both taking a Film & TV Acting Workshop.

JEFFREY: Yes.

EEVIN: In our scene you played a dying man.

JEFFREY: And my character was in love with yours.

EEVIN: Yes. And I played your nurse.

JEFFREY: And our fellow Neo Rob Neill was there.

ROB: I was. I was performing in a different scene, though.

JEFFREY: Did you guys know I've never taken an acting class ever before this one?

EEVIN: Really? You can hardly tell!

ROB: You're so natural!

JEFFREY: It's really hard, though. I don't think I liked it.

EEVIN: You don't like the class?

JEFFREY: No. Acting. Pretending that I'm a dying patient. Pretending to be in love with someone else.

ROB: Other than your wife?

JEFFREY: And myself. And really it comes down to the fact that you two and everyone else in this ensemble are such good actors and performers, that I feel self-conscious most of the time. I sometimes feel like in Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind that I don't have to perform. I can hide behind my writing, safely and comfortably. I'm just me, saying my own carefully-crafted lines. No surprises. And I wonder if that conservatism prevents me from becoming a better performer and artist. What do you guys think of me, as an actor? Really and truly?

EEVIN: [puts her hand on Jeffrey's knee] Jeffrey, you're the best actor in our workshop. You could probably have a long, award-winning career in Hollywood, if you really wanted it! [removes hand from Jeffrey's knee]

JEFFREY: Thanks, Eevin. I'd never want to live in L.A., though. Even if I was a movie star. It seems so soulless there.

Rob, what do you think?

ROB: [puts hand on Jeffrey's shoulder] You know me, Jeffrey. I (like all the other Neo-Futurists and Neo-Futurist audiences) think you're brilliant.

You're the best first-time actor ever. In the history of all-time ever. Period. Raw Talent. Exclamation point. Untapped potential! Underlined. [removes hand from Jeffrey's shoulder]

JEFFREY: Thanks Rob. Thanks, Eevin. [puts his arm around both of them] I know that you're both just trying to cheer me up, but deep down I think you really meant what you said. I feel better already.

CURTAIN

Premiere date: October 19, 2007