Director's Notes – 159 – Cat Show (Patreon)

(NOTE: As always, Director's Notes contain spoilers)

When my now wife Jillian and I first moved in together in 2002, we immediately adopted a cat. The cat was found by neighbors of Jillian's parents. He was a long-haired, orange Persian cat. His hair was matted. He was flea ridden, found in an alley somewhere in Friendswood, TX. 

Those neighbors took the cat into a vet, got him shaved and dipped and named him Nala, after the female lead from The Lion King. They named him this, because the vet looked at the cat and said "She's a spayed female." 

We accepted this gender declaration but not the name. We named the cat Simone (after Nina), and were happy with that. 

But then a year later, we decided we wanted a second cat, so we adopted a little gray cat and named her Mi-nous. We took the word of the people that found Mi-nous that she was a female. Unlike the vet in Friendswood, these people were correct.

It was upon adopting Mi-nous, that we learned the truth. Our girl cat Simone, began humping our other girl cat Mi-nous. Lesbian and bisexual animals exist. This seemed fine, if surprising. But then we saw Simone had a dick. 

Listen, gender in humans has nothing to do with genitalia, but in animals, the gender binary is the terminology used by vets and shelters to determine how to sterilize them. So if you're a vet, maybe good that you know exactly which reproductive parts the animal possesses. You don't have to use gender. In fact, it'd be perfectly fine if you didn't. But if you do use gender as your classification system, then make sure you get it right. 

In the case of Simone, it turns out that he had been neutered at some point, so no kittens for us. But that Texas vet really could have screwed things up.

The new vet we took Simone to in Northampton, MA, looked Simone up and down and said she thought Simone was a "Teaser Tom."

Basically, Simone was a pure-bred Persian, likely raised by cat show breeders. He was probably a few years old already and had been taken out of cat show circulation - either because he wasn't good looking enough, or had gotten too old, or because he was bad at being a show cat.

My guess was the latter, because Simone hated being brushed and shaved with a passion.

Anyway, the vet explained that because someone had declawed Simone, they likely had taken him out of the cat show circuit and kept him around as this "Teaser Tom" thing. Which is to say, when females are being used for breeding, they obviously go into heat on a regular basis, but the breeder doesn't want the cats to get pregnant every time. 

So they house a neutered, declawed male cat to have sex with the female cats when they go into heat. Cats don't ovulate until they have sex, so basically having sex keeps them from screaming and writhing at all hours (hashtag relatable content). 

Turns out, Simone was a fuckboi. I think this was an interesting career choice. I never see that on LinkedIn resumes. Listen, if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. 

Anyway, this month is the 1-year anniversary of Simone the Gigolo's passing. Super sad, but also joyful in that we had him for over 17 years, and who knows how many years he spent studding around the Houston area before that. He was a blessed child, and we were lucky to have him. Or her. Gender is a construct, after all. Unless you're a vet. For god's sake, if you're a vet, please know your animals' reproductive parts!

- Jeffrey Cranor
December 4, 2019

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