(transcript) Episode 95: "Zookeeper" (Patreon)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a cursed talisman must be in want of a hex reversal. Welcome to Night Vale.

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CECIL: Night Vale, we have a special treat for you today. Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale Zoo joins us live in studio. She's also brought in several animals for us to see. Since this is radio, if you are not a telepath, or an omnipresent spirit, you won't be able to see them. You'll just have to imagine the animals, but that shouldn't be difficult. 

As the old saying goes: a thousand words is worth a picture, so today's show should be worth about 2.6 pictures. You will be able to envision 2.6 animals during today's show. 

Joanna. Welcome to our program.

JOANNA: Thanks for having me. 

CECIL: I can see you brought in some really interesting... what are those, raccoons?

JOANNA: These are chickens.

CECIL: Oh.

JOANNA: One of the evolutionary defensive traits of the chicken is its resemblance to the raccoon. For instance, both animals have two eyes. And antennae. And like the raccoon, the chicken is mortal, which is a term zoologists use to describe animals that eventually die.

CECIL: I remember as a small child, I found a dead raccoon in our yard, and I told my mother about it. I thought it was sleeping, but that day my mother sat me down and explained death to me. 

"Cecil," she said. "Most of God's creatures are born and then one day they die. Just like you and me. One day both of us will die. One of us will do so in a much more eventful way than the other,  unlike this raccoon, which died from a rock I dropped on it."

JOANNA: Why did your mother drop a rock on a raccoon?

CECIL: Oh she was always a jokester, always up to some kind of prank. Dropping rocks on people and animals was just her way of kidding around. Anyway, these chickens are gorgeous, with their bright orange and yellow wings and dozens of spiny legs. What's weird is I always assumed chickens were mythical, because I've never seen one in person. 

JOANNA: A lot of people make that mistake in logic. But just because you cannot see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. This is something zoologists must always remember because there are so many creatures not visible to human sight, like amoebas and microbes and ghost horses. 

When visitors come to the Night Vale Zoo, staff members from our Audience Education Team often hide in the shrubbery and then jump out shouting "I'M REAL!" at the blindfolded zoo-goers, just to educate people on the existence of things they can't see. 

CECIL: I've learned a lot of neat things while wearing a blindfold.

We'll get back to your wonderful creatures in a moment, Joanna. But first, today's news.

[low growling sound]

What was that?

JOANNA: Nothing. What? I didn't hear a low growling sound. Is it hot in here? 

CECIL: Oookay. Let's have a glance at traffic. The roads are totally clear today. It's a real mess out there. No one can see where the streets are because they are completely transparent. I'd like to tell you which avenues and intersections to avoid, but since they're virtually invisible, that information is useless. 

Perhaps try walking or just staying at home.

JOANNA: Wow. Glad I flew here today instead of driving.

CECIL: Good call.

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An update on Old Woman Josie. Several of you have written in via email and spray paint on the station walls that you want to know how she's doing. Well, she's out of the hospital, back home, and recovering nicely. 

Apparently Josie's daughter Alondra has come back to Night Vale to help care for her. I rarely hear Josie mention her children, and she didn't say much about Alondra this time either. Apparently, Alondra decided to return to her home town to take care of her mother because she didn't want an old woman with a broken hip trying to live on her own.

Josie insisted that she wasn't living alone, that she had several (what she refers to as) angels named Erika who are taking care of her, as well as her StrexCorp Foundation which supports not only the new old Opera House, but also several local arts groups, a library destruction fund, and the popular charity Cars for Kids, which provides cars to kids who do not have cars. 

The angels, according to Josie, have lived at her house for several years and have shown nothing but grace and love and support for her, unlike her family who moved away from the desert. 

Josie definitely sounds upset, and sometimes the forced bond of family relationships can be frustrating, but having family to take care of you when you live alone is a true blessing.

Listeners, Intern Kareem is shaking his head at me and saying Josie lives with the angels. We went over this in the meeting, Kareem. We do not acknowledge the existence of angels etc etc. Josie lives alone. There's no one to take care of her. Oh, don't walk out. 

And there he goes: a man who doesn't believe in time traveling trains or deer-faced destroyer gods, but deny a single angel and he's throwing a fit.

Best wishes to Old Woman Josie, and welcome back to Night Vale, Alondra.

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CECIL: Let's get back to your fantastic zoo animals, Joanna. 

JOANNA: Sure thing. Let me just get this cage up here on the desk. 

CECIL: Listeners, Joanna is lifting what looks like a solid steel cube onto the desk. She's opening it. Lots of steam or vapor is coming out. I'm so excited. What kind of exotic creature has she brought for us in such a dramatic carrying case?

JOANNA: These, Cecil, are brown tarantulas!

CECIL: Ahhh. [disappointed] 

JOANNA: You don't sound excited.

CECIL: Brown tarantulas are fairly common in the desert. I was hoping for something exotic, like chickens.

JOANNA: Of course. But the reason I brought these tarantulas is to talk about our Animal Development Initiative. Zoos not only display animals in tiny enclosures for the public to gawk at, but we also train and rehabilitate many of these animals. Sometimes animals we bring in have been badly injured, or in the case of these tarantulas, horribly undereducated. 

You might not notice just by looking at them, but our Animal Development Team has taught these tarantulas to read. They are fully sentient. That's Samantha. That's Jordy. That's Nash. That's Carmelo. That's Patrice. That's Garfield. And somewhere - I don't see where she went - is Helen. Oh there she is, on the back of your shirt collar. 

CECIL: AhhHAHAHAHahh. Hi Helen. That's amazing. I know there are several Teach Spiders to Read programs in Night Vale. It's great to hear some of them are really working. 

So, uhhh, Helen. What book are you reading?

JOANNA: Oh tarantulas can't speak. Or write. Just read. 

CECIL: So they can read but not express to anyone what it is they have learned?

JOANNA: Yep.

CECIL: Is there any consideration by the Zoo about developing sentience in creatures who live in cages? Do you think that the animals' self-awareness could bring about stages of depression, or resentment, or despair, or even rage, if they understood the prison-like conditions in which they lived? 

JOANNA: Totally. Oh. Also I brought in some baby pigs!

CECIL: [GASP] Piglets! They're so cute! Your name is Wobbles, and your name.... oh, YOUR name is The Professor!

[low growling sound]

That noise again.

JOANNA: I'm sure it's nothing.

CECIL: Did you-

JOANNA: Cecil, it's fine. 

CECIL: Okay.

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Let's get to our program sponsor now. Today's show is brought to you by Starbucks. Start your day off feeling great. Maybe grab a latte or a caramel macchiato or even a mocha frappucino on your way to work. Just make sure you're feeling great first. We'll know if you're not. If you purchase one of our products while not feeling great, you're going to make us not feel great. That kind of negativity is infectious, you know.

Perhaps you think our coffee-related product line will help you get beyond not feeling great into actually feeling great, but you can't rely on nutritional stimulants to achieve positivity. No no. Caffeine and sugar will get your energy up, sure, but that crash is coming, and it won't be pretty. And we don't want you hanging that on us.

Get yourself in a good place. Really be positive. Fake it till you make it, we suppose, but you better be an excellent faker. If we find out you showed up to one of our thousands of Starbucks locations worldwide while unhappy, we are going to be livid. Just beside ourselves. All of us - every Starbucks employee - standing in a line, literally beside ourselves, holding hands and saying directly to you: "don't come here with your nasty attitude and expect us to bear the weight. oh no. OH. NO. YOU WILL NOT."

Starbucks. Cool your hot mess before you show your face around here. 

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A few weeks back we reported several five-headed dragons had arrived in Night Vale, including Hadassah McDaniels, the sister of current death-row inmate Hiram McDaniels. 

Most of them are between 10 and 25 feet tall, and all have five heads. We're getting more and more complaints from local businesses and human Night Vale residents about these dragons. 

Marjory Vallejo, manager of the Dollar Cinema, said each dragon takes up nearly a dozen seats, not to mention obstructing the view of all the seats behind the dragons' mass of long heads. 

Teddy Williams, owner of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, had to cancel league nights this week because he's having to buff out all of the claw marks in the lanes. That was actually lucky for my team, which is down one member while Old Woman Josie recovers.

Bob Sturm, vice president of finance for the Night Vale Auto Insurance Company, said his company has seen a significant uptick in dragon-initiated accidents, and that they would no longer cover anyone who owns a car. He then deliberately broke his own arm with a wrench and guffawed nervously. 

It's been a tough adjustment, Night Vale, to our five-headed guests from another world, but we are a friendly town. Remember to welcome strangers with a friendly point as you shout INTERLOPER at them. Also it's considered good neighborly behavior to follow strangers home while repeating "What are you doing? Where are you off to?"

The dragons, I'm um kind of sure, mean us no harm.

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CECIL: Joanna, have you ever seen a dragon up close? 

JOANNA: Yes, one. They're beautiful things. Really intelligent and funny creatures. Fiercely loyal… Well, to their own kind anyway. I mean you're texting with a dragon, what are you doing Friday, and she doesn't text you back. And you're like Donna, I would like to see you. It's been weeks. Is everything okay, and then one day you get a phone call, and Donna's gold head is like "You're a great woman. I've had a nice time, but...." and her green head is like "IT'S OVER JOANNA" and then you're just crying and crying and for what? I mean, come on, Donna. Really?

[beat]

CECIL: So what other animals have you brought in?

JOANNA: Well this is a longhorn steer. So majestic and bold

CECIL: Wow, look at those horns. 

JOANNA: Also those wings. Wings are the best part of the steer.

CECIL: I'm always in awe of animals who can fly. 

JOANNA: Just so delicious. 

[low growling noise]

CECIL: Joanna?

[louder growling noise]

Joanna, your face. It's widening. Your eyes are turning yellow. And your paws. I mean, your hands are turning into paws. 

[clear panther/big cat roar; cow mooing; maybe some crunching noises?]

Listeners, Joanna is now... what are you? a panther, I think? She's jumping onto the longh- Oh my. Oh that is... That is not good. 

JOANNA: [speaking mouth full] The wings are the best part of the steer, Cecil.

[growl]

CECIL: Listeners, Joanna is jumping after the hens now. We need to ... oh my god, the piglets. Wobbles! The Professor! No! I.... well, I wish I hadn't seen that. While we try to restore order let me take you to the weath-

[mic knocked over]

Microphones are not for eating. They are smarter than dolphins. Joann-

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WEATHER

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And we're back. Our special guest today has been Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale zoo. Thanks for being on our show, Joanna.

JOANNA: Thanks for having me. 

CECIL: You've eaten all of the animals you've brought in today. 

JOANNA: Well except for the tarantulas. They wandered off. Not sure where they went. Just like a bunch of spiders to be there one second and gone the next.

CECIL: My intern Kareem tells me they all wandered over to the Human Resources department here at the station and applied for sales jobs. Apparently, they were strong interviewers despite not being able to speak or write. 

JOANNA: That's a big success for our Animal Development Initiative. There is so much good a zoo does for animals besides lock them up and examine them, which is of course, just part of maintaining a natural environment for these creatures. Without the conservation efforts of the Zoo, these animals would just be locked up and examined by predators.

CECIL: But in the confines of the zoo, they seem to be at risk of being devoured by Zoo Staff Members who turn into predatory cats.

JOANNA: Cecil, that's my lunch we're talking about. 

CECIL: So you just got overwhelmed with hunger, and your body turned into a panther, and you ate all the animals?

JOANNA: I'm a shapeshifter, Cecil. I only take the form of a cat when I eat, because people get all upset when I devour an entire cow looking like a human. 

I'm sorry about the damage to your studio. I really am. I should have eaten before I came. But don't be so quick to judge shapeshifters, Cecil. We don't get "overwhelmed." We just choose our appearances based on what we want to express. Like clothing. 

You might wear, say, a T-Shirt around the house while doing chores, or while on vacation, but I imagine you have different outfits to wear to work.

CECIL: Yes. Although today is Plastic Pancho Wednesday, so I'm dressed up a bit more. But yeah, for work I usually wear a cummerbund and capri pants because it's important to me that people understand I am a journalist. I see what you're saying, Joanna. That's fair.

I bet being able to take the form of different animals in fact makes your job a lot easier at the Zoo.

JOANNA: Hrmmmm... I've only ever used this ability to eat lunch. But that's a great idea. I should try it at work some time.

CECIL: Thanks for being on our show today, Joanna.

JOANNA: Sure. You know, there's still a lot of chicken blood pooling around your desk. Let me get another paper towel.

CECIL: It's no bother. [off mic] Intern Kareem? Can you come in here?

Stay tuned next, Night Vale, for the sound of scrubbing, followed by the sound of gagging, followed by the sound of liquid dribbling into a metal pan.

And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night.

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PROVERB: Wanna feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don't know what a trombone is, & are all named after gourds.