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(Update) Some Personal Words <3 (Patreon)

Published:
2015-10-26 22:38:13
Imported:
2021-06

Content

This was originally meant for Tumblr, I'm posting here so you guys can kind of see the full extent. I'm REALLY sorry if you feel my posts aren't as great as they can be, I'm trying so hard to basically show you EVERYTHING that I manage during this kind of dark time, I promise there will be much more stuff as time goes on, but just know things have been going on lately, and I'd love to share this with you guys supporting me so directly! I love you so SO SOOO fucking much you have no idea!!

Also I'm planning on trying to do more Patreon-only Q&As and if you ever want to shoot me a message, I'll be better about replies if I can!

-Viv


( original Tumblr post)

Hey you guys!

So

if it hasn’t been that noticeable, I haven’t been as active recently as

I have been in past. This is actually due to a lot of stuff. The first

and foremost being that I’m just really busy, and my lack of energy and

drive keeps me from having any extra time for postable stuff like I

normally do.


I just got back from a pre-birthday break visiting some

friends in NYC, and it’s put me in a good enough place I feel I can

finally give an update without being too upset or depressing with it.


Over

the past few months, I haven’t been doing so well in the mental health

department, I have been dealing with things that make me feel worse

about myself as a person and all but destroyed the confidence I had in

my work. I also have been trying my hardest to stay strong for my

friends going through MUCH darker hardships then myself, and it’s been

difficult.


Having people judge every word you say, and everything you

do is very hard, and it becomes harder when you already hate yourself

so much, and are struggling to be ok with yourself, but my work was

always something I could rely on to keep me strong. My work is

constantly changing, I’m constantly learning and growing and trying my

hardest to better myself. But I feel I have improved so much in just a

few years, in animation and in my designs, and I feel like my coloring

and characters are finally looking -more- like how I always meant them

too.


I’m always looking to better my work, because an artist is never

done learning, and there are many things I don’t feel any confidence

in, even things I feel are my strongest skill sets have miles to go

before they even reach a notable level of good.


But lately I just have lost my passion for my work, specifically my comic.


I

will never stop it though, and I actually plan on trying to have more

people help give me critiques on thumbnails as I work, so I can improve

the areas I am not as mindful of, like word placement and consistency.

The way my mind works isn’t always the most conventional, and I am

basically self taught with my comics so there’s a ton of flaws with it.

But this disconnect with the comic has definitely made it hard to keep

up with working on pages, and even writing the characters as strong as I

can, or thinking ahead too far.  I have so many other things going on

it’s hard enough giving the comic the care and love it deserves, and

when I do work on it all I can see is faults, and people seem to enjoy

seeing it go down in flames, which is making me lose sight of the reason

I’m making the comic in the first place.

Zoophobia comes from my

heart, it comes from the imagination of a little girl, it is a story

concocted by a young girl that just stuck around and got bigger and

bigger and a bit more developed as the years went by. That’s all it is,

it’s me trying to a tell a story, in fact- a BUNCH of stories that just

have existed in my mind for years. It’s nothing revolutionary and

especially now just into book one it’s nothing amazing. But I really do

love working on it, and I LOVE the plans I have in store, the bigger

grander stories that I have set to come. I really hope that people can

at least enjoy it for what it is. The fact ANYONE likes it at this point

in time baffles me, but it also keeps me going. The support you guys

give, the love you have for these characters I can’t express how much it

means too me.


I continue to share my work, and try extra hard to

create bigger and better projects because you guys have shown me how

much it means to you, and how much genuine happiness and joy it can

bring.  I’m so thankful to be in the position I am, and I just want too

give back as much as I can. I don’t want this emotional stunt to cause

another ZP hiatus, so I’m going to try to battle the hate, and push

through to make sure there will always be pages every week.


I want to finish book one, I want to share this story with you all.


I have some big plans for it, including even a motion-voice adaption, that might include actual new scenes and songs! <3


Plus more animated films both related and unrelated to ZP!


I

want too continue to give, and to inspire. To inspire better stories

then mine, better artists! I want to at least show that you can do

anything you want if you just GO for it!

I’m sorry that I’m so

absent on here, I’m sorry that if you ever sent me a fan message that

you might now have gotten a response. I haven’t been in a good place, I

don’t always trust myself to talk to people I don’t know anymore. People

have taken advantage of my naivety and open-ness when speaking online,

and its too the point I’m scared too continue. But I promise, I seek out

as much as I can when it comes to your kind words, I read everything

and it all keeps me focused, and keeps me moving forward.


I love you

all, for everything. Your support is what keeps me afloat, keeps me

working, keeps me moving, striving for grander projects, bigger dreams!


I’m

not a perfect person, I’m human, I hurt, I cry, I am insecure with my

work and doubt my future sometimes. The world is scary but if we support

each other, things seem less cold.

I don’t want anyone who

follows or likes my work to feel ignored, I’m sorry I can’t give every

single one of you a huge hug, I’m happy that right now I feel happy, and

I feel more ready to jump back into my work and try to find the joy in

it again.


It’s been a dark time because when I was younger I knew who

I was, I was so secure in my ideas, and myself as a person. So having

that confidence all but gone now, it’s just hard, but I feel like if I

take things slow, maybe take the internet much more casually and focus

on myself, I can gain at least a fraction of that strength back! I’m

sorry if this means I remain to seem very distant, but I promise it’s

just because I’m trying to do whats best for my own mental health.

I

thank you ALL in advance for your understanding, I love you all and I

promise to continue to do my best, to better my work, and keep it coming

for you guys!


I have some really big stuff in the works and I can’t WAIT to share more of it with you all!


I love you <3


-Vivienne M.

Comments

Anonymous

We're all with you 100% of the way, Vivzie. That's why we're here. *big hugs*

Dan

Wow. What a message.. I don't want to sound like a wuss but this actually made me have a tear in my eye. Especially since I am struggling with exact same thing - lack of self confidence. Like today. I feel so tired after this day and yet can't sleep as various thoughts keep on flashing in my head.. And anxiety which drives me crazy and always holds me back from pursuing my goals. And people who also use you for being a genuine nice person. Sometimes it feels like i can't take this anymore.. But then again another day comes up and you try to start everything all over again. I really don't want to go deeper as i might go to deep. I just wish that every person who feels lonely and lost would just get a big hug and support saying - you can do it. :) P. S. Sorry if my English skills aren't very good but i really did my best to express my thoughts

Anonymous

Vivienne, you really have to stop distrusting yourself and feel bad about yourself. I know that it isn't something that you just do, it takes a lot of time to recover. It's one huge loop. I myself am in the same situation right now, and I know from at least 179 people to what, 180 THOUSAND people who supports you, for the person you are, and what you create. YOU saved me from being isolated in this room I'm in, drinking myself to death. YOU, saved me. I never thought I would get into art 'n' being an artist myself, until I saw your creations. You're inspiring me to do these things and get up in the morning, and inspiring tons of others to do it. Believe in yourself. ~Rasmusmwh

Jay (aka Kairukurumi)

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I wish I could help you in some way. The only thing I can do is let you know I fell in love with Zoophobia and everything you have done since I saw "Timber" It lit a fire inside me that could not put put out for anything. As for ZP, I have not known about it for long, but I love Cameron, Jack, everybody. I just know you are going to go places and I feel privileged to join you on this adventure, even if it is just watching from the sideline. If it is any consolation, you are gorgeously beautiful, amazingly talented, and I believe in you

Anonymous

I love your animations, comics, characters, and art style; Even if you or others find flaws in your work, that's how you grow! But what you already are capable of it wonderful, which to me is clearly evident to anyone who has watched one of your animation, read an arc of your comic, or spent time understanding your characters. I won't tell you you have to push on, but you need to focus less on what people expect and think of you - be it good or bad - and do what ultimately brings your creations alive in you!

Anonymous

I empathize with what you are going through. A little over a month ago, I was in a similar rut; unsatisfied with the direction of my work, criticized on decisions I had made, and losing devotion for a job I once loved. Then I stumbled upon the work you had published on YouTube and was immediately enthralled by your art. Although I, myself, am not really an artist, I found inspiration in the works you created, and that helped to reignite the passion for my own work. Thank you for this message about what you are going through. I hope that things will turn more in your favor and that these comments may brighten your day.

Anonymous

I'm happy that you shared this blog update, it helped me understand your situation a lot better - Thank you for being so honest :) I'd like to share some thoughts that hopefully help your situation! I'm happy to take the time to write this: Firstly, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I know that sounds like generic advice, but I feel it's an important one. Making mistakes is part of the creative process. If you learn to accept everything you do, weather it turned out the way you wanted to or not, you're basically unstoppable because nothing is holding you back! The solution is two part: Accept your work, and ignore the critics. (Write that down somewhere where you can see it daily if you need some focus assistance ◠‿◠ ) Speaking of critics, there will always be people who will try to manipulate you for their gain. It's just a part of the internet and I'm not even sure if they're aware they're doing it. This next paragraph is important: When you release new art, don't tell yourself "Will people hate my work?", there will always be that bunch of people, and that has nothing to do with your skill as an artist, it's THEIR inability to say nice things. Jeolosy, boredom, there's many reasons why they do it. Just know to expect the critics, but stay focused on us fans who realy do want to support you. Try to get into the mindset of accepting your faults, your true fans will be there to support you when things become difficult. Family and friends are also a great help! Speak your mind to people you trust. If you ever need a break from an area of your work, your fans, your real fans, will understand and support you! That's all the essential writing I needed to share, I don't want to ramble (Sorry If i did). To be honest, I became hesitant to share supportive comments, I thought my messages were coming across the wrong way. But if they are indeed helping you, then I'm willing to keep supporting you with them! :) Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you ever need to talk about anything, i'm happy to help! Please continue to do your best! Take care, Vivienne ◠‿◠

Anonymous

No need to apologize. Hope things get better. I'm sure everyone here will agree that your art is awesome.

Anonymous

We're all 100% behind you and we all love your work. You have absolutely no reason to be hard on yourself. To me, you are the best artist on the whole internet and you are the only one I have ever even considered supporting on Patreon due to my rather low income, but I really want you to succeed because I love what you create and you're a huge inspiration.

Dave

I am deeply sorry to hear about your troubles and am sad that II can only offer you my heartfelt sympathy. I am not good with words but I feel it shows a great strength of will to have persevered and shown the degrees of awareness and sensitivity you do.

Dan

I can only add the same as other people told me in the past. If you really feel bad - going to psychologist might help. It's completely not a shame to go and see one. Sometimes we can't solve problems by ourselves and need a specialist to help put our feelings into the right boxes. In the meantime - focus on the good things you have in your live and maybe let yourself take some rest from time to time. Getting overwhelmed can lead you to depression and I'm telling that from my personal experience. *friendly hugs* :)

Anonymous

You work harder and show more online (in work and talking to people) than I've seen any other person. Worry not, you are loved! So you shouldn't worry that you aren't doing enough for your fans or patrons. I would almost suggest you look at and lessen your workload a little, maybe space things out a bit. The key is not to get burnt out, finding that balance, and always take the haters with a gran of salt. This is only my humble opinion. I come from an art school background and understand the huge amount of work that goes into comics, world building, and especially animation (hand drawn no less!). I love your work and am inspired by it. It pushes me to think about my own comic ideas that I want to eventually get out there. I will stick with you and stay a patron through thick and thin. ^.^

D. Stuart

Thanks for the heartfelt update. Things can be stressful, and most great artists have issues with their work. That's, IMHO, a major part of what makes them great! (Look at so much of the junk out there. "Ehh. It's good enough...") We're here, wanting you to be happy and able to do your thing your way, when you want to do it. I'll keep Patreonizing you, and sending good thoughts your way. Frankly, when I'm feeling overwhelmed at times, I often go to your "Die Young" animation to perk me up. It's just so fun and full of life. (Full screen on the big TV, and the subwoofer cranked a bit.) I see in reading some of the comments on Die Young that you've inspired others to take up drawing again, and strive harder with their animation work. Take that to heart! Your work is amazing, different and inspiring. I hope that you can see some of what we see in you and your work and keep your head up! Stay you! Stu

Shield Generator 7

We'll stick with you through thick and thin, no need to worry about that. I wish you all the best in your recovery

David Lillie

Even if at times you might feel weak- you shared this. that took strength. And you're doing your best to move forward in a positive way. That takes strength, too. If your work is attracting any negative comments, take heart. Because anything solid, anything substantial, will always cast a shadow. There will always, always be people that want to tear at something visible, to satisfy their internal urges. But focus on what you love, on what you create, on the people who enjoy it. Do what you can to joyfully improve, and just leave the rest of it behind. Your work is spectacular. Nothing perfect is ever done- and sometimes the charm, the personality of a comic or story, can be found in its imperfections. We all have flaws. But there's no shame in that- it just means we can approach life in our own zany, not entirely predictable way. Please take any time you need to care for your health, and know that- flaws and all- you're a good person, who has made some really cool stuff, and that your work does have meaning and value. Just keep being yourself. You're doing great.

Wings

I've suffered depression since I was in my early teens. It always comes in waves and some waves feel just that little bit worse than the others and makes me wonder if there's a limit to just how bad I can feel. The important thing to remember is that it does end. You will feel better. In fact your work has got me through some of the rougher patches of my life. Never give up and just keep pushing forward.