Chapter 101 (Patreon)

But ET didn't look like he was listening. He was busy staring at Harry's diamond Infinity Chain. "The Infinity Stones," he murmured. He looked up sharply. "You think yourself powerful enough to wield them, child?"

"Child?" Harry made an offended face. "I'll have you know I'm of legal age. And I'm not about to let a btec ET-Voldemort hybrid imply otherwise."

"Hand them over now and perhaps I shall let you live."

Harry laughed. "Wow, you're brave aren't you. Mainly because you step out every day with a hairline that terrible. At least Voldemort had the good grace to accept his senility and go bald. Has anyone ever told you look like him? Except with even less of a nose? And less dignity. And a worse hairline. And—"

The alien rather uncreatively threw another car at Harry and this time he was fully prepared for it—not that he hadn't been the other times. The car burst apart mid-air in an explosion of water and went rushing straight back towards ET. He thrust out his hands and stopped the wave just before it hit him. He didn't quite handle, however, the 2003 Corsa that came flying through the water next.

With a strangled yelp, the alien went bouncing backwards. caused a bit more property damage, and probably squashed a few innocent bystanders too.

"Right," Harry said as he strolled towards him, "I gather you're the one who stole my Space Stone. And broke my alien-detection ward, which I spent like an entire chapter of my life setting up, so I'm really, really angry. If you don't give it back, I'm going to take it out on you. If you do give it back…I haven't really planned that far ahead. I don't think you're actually gonna give it back—if you do we'll plan together what we should do."

The alien spat a sticky white substance—probably blood or semen or something. "You fool—the stone is already upon the mothership."

Harry blinked. "You guys really say words like that? Could you be any more stereotypical?"

"My lord shall destroy you and take the stones from your cooling corpse!"

"Wow, you have a lord? Voldemort would never have a lord. You really are an inferior version of him."

"Lord Thanos will—"

Harry suddenly remembered he had the Mind Stone and was basically a god and that he didn't particularly fancy listening to the alien probably lying to him—all aliens except him were liars after all. He tapped his wand against the Mind Stone and then the alien's face. All the anger and lust for Thanos and the other emotions faded away from his eyes, leaving them blank.

"Thanks," Harry said. "Now if you could tell me what Thanos' actual plans are."

"He's going to use the stones to kill half the universe so that its people don't die from overpopulation."

Harry blinked. "He's going to kill them to make sure they don't die?"

"He's going to kill half the population so that the remainder can live."

Harry blinked again—more vigorously this time. "This really sounds like the kind of plan I would come up with. Like, he probably thought about using the stones to make more food and decided that would be boring."

"The balance must be sustained!"

"Yeah, I'd say something like that too, then mimic some scales or something and make a vague reference to the greater good. So, what minority has he decided to genocide?"

"The selection shall be random," monotoned the alien.

Harry stroked his chin. "When you say random, do you mean random or random?"

The alien blinked confusedly.

"Like, random like a coin flip, or random like a random search at an airport?"

"Fate decides fate."

"…sayeth the TSA. But if that's correct that's a real shame, because he might get me, and I would've quite liked to see how this played out. Do you think Thanos would reconsider and just wipe out all females so he doesn't get me? Or all males except me—that would be less gay I think." Harry paused. "Or just everyone on all the other planets. I don't trust aliens—no offense."

"Destiny is inevitable."

Harry sighed. "Well, I don't really want to die yet because I'm a god, so I guess I have to stop this Thanos guy. Well, I already have two stones so I guess I've pretty much already stopped him, but I'm pretty bored and really annoyed you guys took my anti-alien-immigration ward so I'm going to kill all of you. If you could just point me to your mothership, that would be great."

The alien nodded absently and pointed up to the massive shadow in the sky blotting out the sun.

"Wow," Harry said. "Guess it's time to go do some Avengers hero stuff." Humming the Avengers' theme song, he flicked his wand and the alien's hairline got even worse as the head it sat on exploded.

A shiny red and gold shape zipped past him and crashed into a wall again. Grey btec Hulk went racing after it. He stopped in his tracks when a piano fell on his head-mainly in confusion. The confusion intensified when the concrete in front of him rose into a giant spike and was suddenly simultaneously in front of him, behind him, inside him and very red.

Iron Man popped back out of his Iron Man-shaped hole ready for combat, only to find his attacker choking and writhing around. Grey Hulk managed to break off the spike and wrenched it out of his throat and spine, increasing his bleeding massively. He collapsed to the floor and started seizing about like someone having a seizure.

"Ouch," Harry said. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "I was going to put him out of his misery but it's a bit awkward if you're watching isn't it."

Tony's faceplate slid down to reveal him looking vaguely horrified. He glanced from the alien drowning in its own blood, to the headless alien at Harry's feet.

"Avenging's hard work, Tony," Harry said. "Can really make you lose your head." Harry laughed at his own joke then exploded the other alien's head too. "Now, I think we have some avenging to do."