Chapter 96 (Patreon)

"When you say Vesuvius—"

Harry interrupted Marco before he could finish his question. "Yes, I do mean the volcano."

"How does a dragon—"

"—have sex with a volcano? With great prowess, I assume, from the way that the volcano's orgasm destroyed Pompeii."

Marco scratched his chin. "Was there a spirit occupying the volcano or something?"

"I don't know the specifics. I just know that they somehow had descendants and the sex was presumably very kinky and hot." Harry chuckled to himself.

Maria stepped forward "I think a better line of questioning to pursue would be how dragons were…" She hesitated. "How dragons were mating with humans."

Marco smiled. "You can discuss your sexual fantasies with Harry later. I'm more eager to know why Parselmouths can't speak to dragons if they're apparently descended from a dragon."

"It was a different race of dragon."

"I assume that race of dragon is now extinct, because of its habit of mating with volcanoes."

"Yep, I think they all either died, or flew back to their own planet."

Marco nodded. "Of course."

"Wait," said Maria. "Their own planet?"

Harry frowned. "Didn't I mention they were space dragons? Or maybe they were space dragons. That's why I was looking for books chronicling them. I thought that the Malacettis might have one, what with their relationship with Pompeii. But alas, it was not to be. "

"So what's the favour you came to me for?" asked Marco.

"Oh, I need a book on wards."

Maria blinked. "What?"

Harry stood from where he had sat and made his way for another corridor, that he knew led to the Aureliuses' library. "I need a book on wards."

"But what about the dragons?"

With a laugh, Harry turned to Marco. "Has she always been this gullible and I didn't notice or is this a new development?"

"I'm worried that if I say yes you'll start visiting me more."

Harry turned back to Maria. "Unfortunately, the alien sex dragons don't exist. I just made that all up in an attempt to make the voice in my head laugh. You see, he's been giving me the silent treatment because I keep procrastinating on our plan to use a magic alien stone to create a worldwide ward which will detect alien invasions." He smiled. "And that brings us back to why I'm here!"

With that, he spun on his heel and made off towards the library again.

Marco fell in step beside him. "I'm not sure you're going to find a book about making alien wards in our library."

"Of course not—I checked yesterday. But I'm going to find your hidden room, in which you contain your safe, in which you contain all of your secret black market contacts. I'm hoping to find out the location of a certain trader who your friend Mario told me bought Ye Olde Booke Ofe Wardse."

Marco raised an eyebrow. "Sure they still have it? Traders don't tend to keep their goods."

Harry smiled. "Don't worry—luck is my best trait."

'Will you talk to me now, Loki?'

'I'll consider it.'

'Thanks.'

'You're welcome.'

Harry glanced around. 'How the hell am I supposed to find a vampire in a city this large?'

'With great skill.'

'Or I could just ask the first person I see whether they know of any hot vampires who happen to be nearby.'

'You could indeed do that.'

Whistling, Harry wandered over to a couple talking to each other in Italian about something irrelevant. "Hello," he interrupted in Italian. "Have you seen any vampires around?"

Both of them looked confused.

Harry sighed and walked away. 'She's obviously used her sex vampire powers to wipe their minds of her presence.'

'When did she evolve into a sex vampire?'

'Have we ever met a vampire who isn't sexy?'

'I think you just killed all the ones who aren't sexy.'

'Survival of the fittest, my friend. I am Darwin's scythe.'

Ambling along the street, Harry glanced at the falling sun. It would be night soon. "Perhaps we should've just arranged a meeting with her."

A man shot him an odd look as he went past.

Loki's illusion materialised and fell into step beside him. "You're far too impatient for that."

"And we need to surprise the vampire."

"Is that why you're wandering around asking people about vampires and seemingly talking to yourself?"

Harry frowned. "I didn't say anything about not drawing any attention to myself—I'm too much of an attention-seeker for that. I'm just tricking the vampire into thinking I'm a rubbish vampire hunter, when I am in fact a competent everything hunter."

"Which you've just announced to the world."

Harry waved his hand dismissively. "It's a double bluff."

"And now a triple bluff. Or quadruple. I've lost count."

"Are you out there, sexy vampire? Because I promise not to kill you."

"I'm not sure that's ever worked."

"There's a first time for everything," Harry said. "That said, I think we should probably set up a trap."

"Indeed," Loki said. "But maybe, during the processing of planning the trap, you should not continue speaking to yourself?"

"What a ridiculous idea. Who plans things these days?"

A few hours later, Harry found himself sitting in a spinny chair, slowly turning back and forth in the absolute darkness. He pulled a sheet of paper from the desk and briefly skimmed over it before adding it to the ever-growing pile on the floor.

"Why are none of these pieces of paper books about wards?" Harry asked, opening a drawer.

'The font would probably be too small,' Loki said. 'Maybe try going over to the bookshelf again.'

Harry had tried earlier but found that the spinny chair he was sitting on had difficulty mounting the rug that sat in his way. Then he'd decided that it was probably hidden somewhere else and that to stand up would be wasted effort. He could just wait for the vampire to come home. Luckily the inverse to vampires not being able to enter people's homes uninvited did not apply.

"I can hear you out there, by the way!" he yelled to the darkness.