Who Let This Spider Cook?! Ch.42 (Patreon)

— Rimuru Tempest —

Rimuru patiently jiggled inside her little abode as she waited for the kid to come back. She’d be lying if she said her nerves weren’t getting to her. 

All future foreign relations could be affected by this one moment after all! 

The girl, Aura, had been rather vague about where she came from and who she worked for, but honestly, did it really matter?

As long as Aura had nothing but good things to say about her little village, then everything was okay in her book! 

“Lady Rimuru, the dark elf girl, is approaching on the back of another humanoid,” Rigurd reported, and Rimuru paused for a moment before happily jiggling again. 

“Good, allow them entry!” 

“As you wish, Lady Rimuru.” Rigurd bowed and left her home, leaving her to ponder. She wondered who the humanoid being was and she got her answer pretty fast. 

Either it’s someone she works with or someone she works for!

Which means she really needed to step up her game and ensure the two enjoyed themselves! Luckily for her and her little settlement of monsters, they had plenty of ways for others to enjoy themselves here. 

— Touch Me —

As Touch Me came to a halt, his gaze wandered across the various huts that made up the slimes’ grouping of monsters, he gave the place an approving nod. Much like the rest of the world, it was beautiful. The lush green forests were utterly awe-inspiring. 

Absolutely nothing like their old world—and what a good feeling it was to call that garbage heap their old world!

He owed Kakuei everything for telling them, even if he had thought their leader to have gone insane. In the end, he was wrong, and Kakuei had proven himself to always speak what was best for them. 

Touch Me glanced at the Goblins, or Hobgoblins by the looks of it, as they began to fill the pathway that they were walking on. Looks of interest, curiosity, and hesitance filled the eyes of the crowd, and Touch Me could understand why. 

Strangers were scary, and in this case, they had a good reason to fear them. 

However, if this settlement embodied justice and didn’t go out of their way to hurt innocent people, then who was Touch Me to enforce his own justice on them? 

No, just because this world was real didn’t mean he was a cop this time. Any illegal actions could be ignored as long as his shining knight persona in Yggdrasil wouldn’t have done anything about it. 

Yes, that is how he’d go into this meeting. Not as Kaito the Officer, but as Touch Me, the Shining Champion of Justice. 

Touch Me nodded to himself before he stopped walking and gave a pat to the young dark elf on his back. She took the cue and hopped off, before her eyes began to wander excitedly. 

This time she wasn’t a prisoner so it made sense that she was acting her age. “Are you excited, Aura?” Touch Me asked as they made their way toward the middle of the settlement. 

“Of course, Lord Touch Me!” Aura practically shouted with excitement. “To think I get to inspect foreign territory with you and judge them accordingly!” 

A smile escaped Touch Me under his mask as he glanced down at the much smaller girl. “Justice runs strongly through your veins, just like my own little girl.” 

Aura blushed at the compliment, but her smile didn’t fade as they walked forward. Eventually, they came to a full stop as a gray-haired hobgoblin stepped in front of them. Immediately Touch Me waved out his arm, attempting to calm the young Dark Elf who looked like she was ready to correct these goblins early. 

Yes, just like Sayuri indeed…

“Forgive me for stopping your march, newcomers.” The buff goblin greeted with a smile. “I am Rigurd, the former Elder of this Goblin Camp…or I suppose it’s not much of a Goblin Camp anymore.” The old hobgoblin chuckled, calming both Touch Me and Aura. 

“I see, it is…pleasurable to meet a kind monster like yourself, Rigurd.” Touch Me nodded as his thoughts wandered to certain nsfw material from his previous world. One must never underestimate a Goblin if they don’t wish to be NTR’d, it was a simple rule of life, he would not forget the lessons he learned. “You have already met this young dark elf, Aura.” He gestured to the dark elf, and Rigurd nodded and waved to the girl. Aura just stared at him flatly, likely not over what had happened earlier yet. “And I am the Champion of Justice, Touch Me.” 

Rigurd blinked, but Touch Me couldn’t understand why. Was it because he was a champion of justice? 

“...I see.” Rigurd finally said before he shook his head and smiled. “It is always an honor to meet new friends. Lady Rimuru wishes to see you both.” 

Lady Rimuru…the Slime. Touch Me knew this slime had the power to threaten Nazarick, at least if Aura’s speculation was true. 

That being said, Touch Me was an optimist. One who liked to search for the good in people, but also someone who could acknowledge whenever someone didn’t have any good in their heart. Like the men and women who ran the corporations and ruined the world. They would not see the light of the Heavens. Hell would be kept nice and warm for them. 

With all that out of the way, the point was Touch Me would hear this slime out, and if he was met with more evil than good, he would enact justice for both Nazarick and for justice's sake. 

Indeed, he was a good enforcer of order. After all, if there was no justice in the world, then how could people live correctly? 

“Lead the way!” Touch Me offered jovially, and Rigurd did just that. He turned around, and they continued their walk toward the center of the settlement. 

When they reached it, they saw a larger hut that looked like it would have been some Hobgoblin boss's home in Yggdrasil, after slaughtering all the weak goblins, of course. 

“Lady Rimuru, I have returned with our guests,” Rigurd announced as he dropped to his knees just outside the hut. 

“Send them in, Rigurd!” 

“As you wish, Lady Rimuru.” Rigurd stood up before he opened the flap and stepped aside, allowing them to walk in with…little difficulty. 

Truly Touch Me had to bend over to get in with no trouble. He was nearly a foot taller than he was in his last life, and it came with its own troubles. 

As they entered, they saw a small blue slime placed on a small wooden altar of some sort.

“Greetings friends!” The slime jiggled before it—she began hopping over to them. Touch Me remained relaxed even if Aura lowered her body a bit, ready for action. 

“You are the slime Rimuru, correct?” Touch Me asked pointed his finger at the slime. He obviously already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from her…jiggles?

“I am sir!” Rimuru created a slime hand and saluted, making Touch Me chuckle underneath his helmet. This slime…it was flamboyant. 

Perhaps they would get along. 

“Good, I am Touch Me, Champion of Justice, and this is my young faithful squid, Aura, Newcomer of Justice.”

“What’s a squid, Lord Touch-”

“Now then, now that pleasantries are out of the way, what are your thoughts on justice, young slime?” Touch Me cut off Aura, which made the younger girl pout. As he regarded Rimuru, he displayed the seriousness that this situation called for. 

He needed to gauge how she saw justice, and if she could be an ally in preserving, or creating, justice in this world. 

He wouldn’t allow his family to live in a world without justice, not again. 

The slime stopped for a moment before she let out a hum. “Well obviously people should be punished for their crimes, and good people should be rewarded.” Rimuru explained before nodding to herself. “Umu, good prosper, bad suffer just and due punishment!” 

Silence filled the hut as Touch Me studied the slime. He couldn’t study her face, so he used his heart to study hers. 

And ultimately he came to a decision, one his heart and gut led him to. 

“Slime…no, Rimuru, you can cook.” 

Again silence filled the room before Rimuru jiggled slightly. “Is that a good thing?” 

“It is perhaps the best compliment I could give another, so yes.” Touch Me nodded.

“Then great!” Rimuru, the newest recruit of justice, bounced in the air before she hopped a bit closer to them. “Aura, Touch Me, are you two hungry, we’ve prepared a feast for you! Our new friends!” 

“Hey, you’re supposed to address-”

“Touch Me the Benevolent Benefactor of Justice, and Aura, the Ever-Inspired Student of Justice, would.” Touch Me cut off Aura, and again the younger girl pouted. 

“Then to the feast!” Rimuru cheered. 

— Gobta — 

Gobta sat on his mount and chewed on the leg of a deer. All the while he watched the newcomers with an interested glint in his eye. It was the first time monsters besides goblins had entered their ever-growing territory, and the entire place was lively. 

Lady Rimuru had even ordered for there to be a feast! Which of course Gobta had no problem fulfilling. Proof of that was how easily he scarfed down the deer leg. 

He glanced at his best friend, Gobzo who was quietly eating his own deer leg. His friend noticed his gaze and smiled, making Gobta smile as well. The simplicity of his friend was both heartwarming and scary at times. 

Gobzo was so kind that Gobta knew one day, someone would end up taking advantage of that kindness, but what was a friend for if not to help out one another in need?

It was exactly what he’d do when that day came, and Lady Rimuru would aid them as well. 

Ever since she stumbled across their dying camp, everything had took a turn for the better. Life was possible because she was here, helping them out, and for that, they owed her everything.

Yet even she was rather kind.

Gobta glanced back at the newcomers and his eyes focused on the large Insect who was eating with his helmet off. The sight wasn’t unnerving for those at the table, but he was caught off guard by it and promptly banished to the sidelines by Rigur.

A slight shiver ran down Gobta’s back before he looked past the Insect, and suddenly, he had no trouble looking in that direction. In fact, he could stare for hours. 

The Dark Elf girl, Aura.

When they had first surrounded her, Gobta was concerned that things would end badly for her, but ultimately, Lady Rimuru’s kindness reigned and Aura was allowed to retreat back. 

Gobta feared that would be last time he saw her, but his fears were for naught. 

Her smooth dark skin and silky blonde haired, combined with her green and blue eyes, and long pointy ears. 

She was an angel!

“Hey Gobzo…” Gobta asked with reddened cheeks as he stared at the most beautiful creation that has ever graced his eyes. “Do…you think I have a shot?”

Gobzo looked at him for a moment before he followed his gaze. Then, to Gobta’s surprise, Gobzo placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a thumbs up.

“...Gobzo.” Gobta said quietly as tears of happiness began to stream out. “Thank you, Gobzo!” The round-headed Hobgoblin pulled the big-lipped Hobgoblin into a tight embrace. 

Gobzo was right. There was always a chance, and he never knew until he asked! 

Both Touch Me and Aura agreed to spend the night in Rimuru’s territory, which means, he still has time to tell the perfect angel his feelings!

Tomorrow, that’s when he’d do it. Either he’d be turned down and yearn for her for the rest of his life, or she’d take his hand and change his life forever. 

The sheer thought of the latter had him ready to risk it all, even if his life if need be. 

— Rimuru Tempest (The Next Day)—

Dealing with kids was never her strong point, even before her death and her eventual reincarnation. 

Though, in her last life the last thing she expected to deal with were kids. Finding a male romantic partner was…challenging, and she didn’t even know why!

She wasn’t narcissistic or anything, but she liked to believe she was at least a little pretty! 

Her only real success in terms of anything romantic was with women, or rather a lone woman who got married to another man.

No she was not NTR’d!

Thus, any chance of her having children was thoroughly shattered.

Which is why she regretted not having any when dealing with Aura! 

The dark elf was so adorable! Her adamant claims that she wasn’t a child only made her more so! Not to mention how quickly she started incorporating herself into their town. 

Any hesitance she once had completely vanished when she saw the things the town had to offer, and Rimuru hoped that the same would happen for any other visitors who stopped by. 

That shining knight seemed to at least hold some interest, but then again, Rimuru couldn’t see under his helmet, so she couldn’t know for sure. However, even when he took it off, she still couldn’t make out what he thought because he had the head of an insect! 

It actually wasn’t bad to look at, or at least not as bad as her past self would have thought it to be. 

One thing for certain, the man, Touch Me was strong, he couldn’t perfectly control the aura he was releasing, but from what she could sense she could say that the man was as strong as her at least, maybe even stronger!

He didn’t feel like Veldora did so at least she knew he wasn’t as strong as her new brother so that was a relief, but she seriously needed to watch out if such strong people were just wandering around.

Which is why she was utterly caught off guard, downright bamboozled, at the sight of a crying Gobta at her door first thing in the morning. 

She had powerful dragons to look out for, not crying Hobgoblins! 

“Gobta…you need to get over it.” Rimuru offered gently while also holding a firmness that demanded he get the hell out of her house! She had things to do! 

“L-Lady Rimuru, I can’t!” Gobta shook his head as tears ran down his face. “She called me a disgusting cretin! What does that even mean?!” 

“It means she’s not interested…in less savory words.” Rimuru explained, which only made Gobta cry harder. 

A sigh escaped her. Gobta wasn’t even a child, yet his crying was making her go back on her previous thought. 

Having children would have been a nightmare. Her childless life was perhaps a blessing in disguise.

— Kakuei —

I let out a relieved sigh as I dropped my body on Momonga and I’s shared bed. Being an adventurer was fun, but pretending to be was more than a little tiring, at least mentally. 

Momonga joined me a moment later, dropping her soft body onto the not so soft bed, before snuggling close to me. 

“Did you have fun?” She asked, glancing up at me. 

“Eh, kinda.” I frowned. Initially when we came up with the idea to blend in with human civilization as Adventurers, I thought I would end up having the time of my life. It was fun, but it wasn’t as fun as I was expecting. 

The simple truth of the matter is we are currently fodder adventurers, meaning we handle things that humans would find slightly difficult to handle, and things that Nazarick would deem insects. 

Was slaughtering random monsters fun? Surprisingly, no, it wasn’t. The only real fun I had was when our little group of three entered the cave with hopes of exploring, and when we came across the first monster which happened to be a giant snake.

That fun and amusement quickly shifted into bland disappointment when it tried to attack us. I punched it, and it…died. I could feel its skull cave in and it ate shit right in front of me before it kicked the bucket. 

Why be that big if you’re gonna be that weak? 

In the end, the entire job was rather boring, nothing posed a threat, and they managed to clear out the mine without any issue. 

If this was the life of a B-rank adventurer, they needed to be promoted as soon as possible. This just wouldn’t do. 

A-Rank was supposed to be the highest rank an Adventurer could achieve, besides A+ Rank, but A+ was reserved for only the strongest adventuring heroes…so it was probably a titled they’d have by the end of the week at this rate. 

Seriously, coming to a world as strong as they were just wasn’t as interesting as he thought it would be, but it was still infinitely better than being in their old world, where the air tried its best to kill you and greenery simply didn’t wish to exist. 

Yes, he wouldn’t take what he has now for granted.

Especially because of the woman beside him, and Kaori of course. 

“What are you thinking about?” Momo asked me, and a grin split my lips as I rolled over on top of her. A blush graced her beautiful pale face. 

“The loves of my life.” I smiled down at her and that smile only grew when she turned her head away.

“Who, that receptionist?” She asked with a little bit of venom in her voice. 

She was still on that? 

I leaned down and took her soft lips before I pulled back and chuckled. “We both know she doesn’t interest me, you and Kaori are all I need.” I then walked out of the room and into Nabe’s who was sitting there looking utterly bored. 

As she saw me, she dropped to a knee and I quickly approached her and brought her back to her feet. 

“What did I say about bowing, Nabe?” 

“Sorry, Lord Kakuei.” She went to bow again before I grasped her slender shoulders and smiled. “Have you need of me?” 

“Yes, we’re taking another quest. We will reach A-Rank as soon as possible, only then will our work here be completed. 

“Yes, Lord Kakuei.” 

— Chapter End —

Author’s Note: Not much action yet, but we finally got the first real established relationship between Rimuru’s settlement and Nazarick. Their goals are actually more similar than they think. 

I’ll be taking some time to go back and edit some of the past chapters, to establish more details and POVs that I’ve glossed over from wanting to move the plot along. So look out for those edits in the future!

I’m going to take a slight backpedal next chapter and have a quick flashback to Kakuei/Momo/Nabe’s Adventurer Exam since I should have covered it in the past but failed to. 

Beta reader: @Basilisk @Dragonboy1