Who Let This Spider Cook?! Ch.34 (Patreon)

— Albedo —

Silence permeated throughout the arena as the Supreme Beings watched the guardians for a while, and then, Lord Kakuei spoke.

“Excellent! I have heard your pledge of loyalty and have seen within your hearts, truly, excellent!” Lord Kakuei's words resonated with the Guardians, their dedication and loyalty shining through their happy smiles. “That being said, we have a crisis to attend to.” Lord Kakuei finished before turning to Sebas. “Tell us, Sebas, what did you see outside of Nazarick?”

“Upon leaving the Great Tomb of Nazarick, I discovered that the once swamplands that border her walls are now vast mountains ranging across tens if not hundreds of miles.” Sebas started, earning quiet gasps of surprise from some of her fellow Guardians. With the help of Shiraori and Ariel, we discovered that most of the surrounding area remains mountainous, while the western side holds a vast ocean that goes on as far as the eye can see.” 

“Mountains and an ocean.” Lord Ulbert hummed in thought, stroking the hair on his chin. “Well, with the change of location, mountains and an ocean are perfect defenses for Nazarick. Perhaps not as great as the swamplands we once held dominion over, but a very strategically inclined setting to control.” His words were filled with reassurance and confidence in the Guardians' ability to adapt to the new environment. 

“Indeed.” Lord Kakuei frowned. “While a different location entirely, it’s not a bad one. It may even strengthen our defenses should we prepare a patrol on the mountain’s peaks.” 

“I do believe that would be a good idea.” Lady Momonga nodded as she looked at the Leader of the Supreme Beings. “Although I’m curious…is there anything we need to defend against?” Her curiosity sparked a sense of engagement and involvement among the Supreme Beings. 

Everyone looked back at Sebas to see him looking up at the Supreme Ones, waiting for his chance to continue. Once silence permeated for a few moments, he began telling of his discoveries again.

“I did not see anything of humanoid shape for fifteen kilometers around us in every direction. There were, however, various monsters. I had seen quite a few snakes and spiders that seemed to resemble the Greater tier of monster. I believe there may have been varying monsters besides those, but none seem to be of any concern.”

“Well, if they don’t pose a threat, then you are correct, there should be no concern.” Lord Kakuei hummed in thought. “Perhaps we should clear them out, just to be sure.” The Supreme Lord of Nazarick looked down to Aura and a small smile graced the eyes of all loyal to him. “Aura, would you be willing to do that?” 

“Boy, would I!” Aura shouted excitedly, making Albedo, along with most other Guardians, glare at her for her informal behavior. She read the room quickly and spoke once more. “I-Um, yes, Lord Kakuei, it would be an honor.” 

The Supreme Beings chuckled at something Albedo couldn’t understand for life before Lord Kakuei raised a hand. “You need not hold such formalities with me, Aura. Be yourself; you were made by Buku to be like that, after all.” 

The servants of the Supreme Ones pondered on their Lord’s words. Albedo didn’t know how to react. She had never considered acting like herself around the Supreme Beings, but was it Lord Tabula’s intent for her to do so? If that was the case, wouldn’t she be disobeying Lord Tabula if she didn’t?! 

Albedo’s mind started to wander for a moment before the words of Lady BukuBukuChagama snapped her back to reality.

“Kakuei’s right, my sweets.” Lady Buku cheered, approaching the two twin Floor Guardians and stopping just before them. “There’s nothing I want more for the both of you than to be happy!” 

The twins grew flustered, not knowing how to react to such words. Albedo didn’t blame them. To hear such words from a Supreme Being, much more their creator… indeed, there was no better gift in this world! 

Lady BukuBukuChagama pulled the two in for another hug, which they wiggled into graciously. Eventually, Lord Ulbert cleared his throat, and Lady Buku pulled away from the two.

“I’m sorry, Buku, but you can dote on the two later.” Lord Ulbert apologized, earning a slimy wave from one of the three Supreme Women. 

“Don’t worry, I understand. This is a serious situation.” Lady Buku nodded, then looked at Lord Kakuei to continue. 

Lord Kakuei let the arena sit in silence for a few moments before he spoke up. 

“We’re in a strange world, unknown to us, but at the very least we know details of our home and its perimeter. Now I believe it best we address the changes to us as a whole.” Lord Kakuei paused and looked at her. “Albedo, have you noticed anything different about your body and skills?” 

“My Lord…” Albedo said before stopping, having trouble finding the right words. “When it comes to my body, I feel relatively the same, although my skills…not so much.” 

The Supreme Beings shared a look with one another before Lord Kakuei looked back at her. 

“I see, the same could be said for all of us. I assume the rest of you have undergone the same change?” Lord Kakuei asked the other servants/guardians present, earning a nod from them. “Very well, I will look into this change that has affected us later on with Ulbert. Demiurge, I would like it if you joined us then.”

“It would be an honor of the highest order to do so, My Lord.” 

“Good.” The World Eater nodded with a satisfied smile. “Now, I believe the best course of action should be fortifying Nazaricks defenses and exploring this world we’ve been dropped into. Sebas, could we mask Nazarick among the surrounding mountains?” 

“I do believe that would be possible, My Lords.” Sebas answered with a bowed head. 

Lord Kakuei nodded once before looking at the younger of the twin Guardians. “Mare, do you believe yourself capable of such a task?” 

“I-I…I can do it!” Mare stuttered out. 

“Excellent.” Lord Kakuei chuckled. “Shalltear, I want you to strengthen defenses around the first three floors. No one without our order comes in or goes out.”

“As you command-”

“Ohmygodshespeaks!” 

Everyone looked at Lord Peroronchino, who was staring at Shalltear with an intensity she hadn’t seen in the Supreme Beings since Ragnarok. 

“Pero…are you alright?” Lord Touch Me chuckled nervously.

“Ignore my idiot brother and his fantasies.” Lady Buku waved off the man of justice, causing Lord Peroronchino to pout.

“Ya know what…I’ll let you have that one.” 

“Ahem.” Lord Kakuei coughed into one of his eight hands. “As I was saying, Shalltear strengthen the defenses.” Shalltear nodded and Lord Kakuei turned his attention to the battle maids. “Pleiadies, you along with Sebas Tian will sent up the perimeter of Nazarick in the mountains, along with Aura. You are to aid her should require your assistance.”

“Yes, Lord.” / “As you command.” Yuri Alpha and Sebas answered. 

“And finally, Rubedo.” Lord Kakuei looked at Albedo’s little sister with a small frown. “You will take up protection of our newest guild members.” 

Rubedo dropped her head. “So it shall be, should I meet my end, my body and spirit will protect them eternally.” 

Albedo looked at the two unfamiliar faces in confusion. They were members of the great guild of Hell’s Paradise? She was curious as to who they were and where they came from, but she thought it rude if she asked.

“Lord Kakuei…” Demiurge spoke up.

“Yes, Demiurge?” 

“If this question comes across as rude, I apologize, but my curiosity is getting the better of me.” Demiurge bowed his head low.

“Ask your question, Demiurge. What Kakuei said goes not just for Aura and Mare, but all of you. I created you to be curious.” Ulbert said with crossed arms.

“Yes, thank you, Lord Ulbert.” Demiurge smiled slightly. “My question pertains to the two new members…have we seen them before? I vaguely remember their appearance.” 

“You have, I’m sure.” Lord Touch Me answered. “Perhaps not all of you, but I recall visiting the Seventh Floor with these two in the past.” The Supreme Being of Justice rubbed the back of his helmet before gesturing to the new pair. “This here-” He pointed at the older woman with black hair and green eyes. “Is my wife, Saeko, and this-” He gestured to the brown-haired girl who was just a few inches smaller. “Is my daughter, Sayuri.” 

Silence descended upon the arena at the news. Albedo, along with the others had heard Lord Touch Me speak about his family countless times when they were around him, but they hadn’t ever thought they would meet them. 

“Oh, I see!” Demiurge smiled, looking at the two. “It is an honor to finally meet the Lord Touch Me’s wife and daughter. I, Demiurge, Guardian of the Seventh Floor, pledge myself to the ladies, Saeko and Sayuri.” 

Demiurge's words caused a chorus of pledges from all the servants present. 

“You all are to show them the same respect that you show us.” Lord Kakuei explained, earning nods from everyone. “Now then, we’re just about finished here, but I wanted to ask one last thing.” 

The Servants remained quiet, waiting for their leader to speak. 

“I want each of you to describe me in one word, and I want you all to be honest with the word you choose. Once you give it, I ask you add an explanation for why you chose it. Should you need more than one word, I’ll allow a few.”

The Servants looked at one another before everyone began to ponder on what they could use to describe the Leader of the Supreme Beings. Albedo for one didn’t know one. There were many she could call him, but which one was befitting of being said aloud for a being of perfection?!

“Starting with you, Shalltear.” 

“Impervious,” Shalltear spoke with her head bowed. “There is no being in the Nine Realms or beyond that can break through your absolute strength.

“Cocytus.”

“Unbeatable. There. Is. No. Being. Capable. Of. Defeating. You. In. Honorable. Combat.” 

“Aura.”

“Benevolent! Your kindness rivals your almighty power!” 

“Mare.”

“S-Strategic genius-” He started, pausing at a snort from Lord Ulbert. Lord Kakuei glared toward Lord Ulbert, making the latter man look away. “

“Thank you, Mare.” Lord Kakuei smiled earning a shy nod from the boy before looking at the Guardian of the Seventh Floor.“ Demiurge.”

“Ragnarok.” Demiurge said with a sly smile. You are chaos incarnate yet endlessly cunning, no one represents destruction incarnate better than you. 

“Albedo.”

“Supreme Leader. No other title perfectly describes your greatness. You are the Leader of those deemed Supreme by Yggdrasil herself. There is no greater crown to behold.”

“Rubedo.” 

“Absolute Authority. You alone stand above all others.” 

“Excellent, I acknowledge the praise of my Guardians!” Lord Kakuei outstretched his arms, making all the servants smile happily. “Now then, there are things we need to attend to. Make me proud, my Guardians!” 

With those words, Lord Kakuei disappeared out of the room, followed by Lady Buku and Lady Momonga. 

— Kakuei —

“Oh, cheer up, Kakuei, you did great!” Buku cheered; she was on her knees behind me on the bed, rubbing my shoulders with her slimy nubs. Yes, it was as weird as it sounded. I honestly think she was doing it just to tease me. 

I let out a groan, seeing through her lies. To say I wasn’t a little cringed out by myself would be a blatant lie. 

Roleplaying was one thing, but acting like a Supreme Leader in front of actual people was a lot more mentally draining than I expected. Now I know exactly what Canon Momonga was going through. The thing is, he had to deal with it alone. 

Words could not express my condolences for him. 

“You definitely did good, better than I could have done.” Momonga smiled. She’s selling herself short. If only she knew. The white-haired Eclipse approached me, bending down to my level and giving me a quick peck on the lips before pulling away with a small blush on her face. 

“I think he’s earned himself a reward, wouldn’t you say, Momo?” Buki said sultrily from behind me, her slime body beginning to spill around my waist and down to my crotch. 

“Kaori!” Momo scolded her with a blush. “We’re in a totally new world, don’t you think we should….wait?” 

“What for?” Buku hummed, she was clearly getting a kick out of this.

“Megumi’s right.” I reached for the slime attempting to wiggle into my pants and pulled on it, earning an adorable pout from her.

“Oh, come on, let me have my fun!” 

“When this entire fuckfest is blown over, we can.” I frowned. It’s not like I didn’t want to, but doing it the same day we appeared in this world would be moving too fast, especially when we could be using this time to learn more. 

“You know what else can get blown over~?” Buku purred.

…I’m not gonna get to do anything productive today, am I? 

— Chapter End —

Beta Reader: @Basilisk

Author’s Note: This court shit has had me in a downward spiral. I may have to release what I’ve been working on early to keep you guys on Patreon full of content. I didn’t know legal shit could be so godamn tiring. I’ll see what I can do to get chapters out as soon as possible until then.

I was very very very baked when I wrote this chapter, so if it comes across as incoherent in some parts, just know I was absolutely cooked.