Helluva Time 14 (Patreon)

Where: Office of Immediate Murder Professionals, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell
When: 173 days to next Purge
Who: Blitzø

I still wasn’t entirely convinced that Jay having eaten the cherubs was a good thing for us, but it hadn’t caused any problems in the last month, so yay for us. I just hope that trend continues with the hicks in Wrath, granted I’d be more shocked than that time I was strapped nipple first to a car battery if any of them could so much as scratch him, but it would be a hassle all the same.

“Alright, everybody got everything?” I asked as Moxxie pushed a suitcase into the back of the company van. “You better, because once we leave I ain’t fucking stopping this rust bucket unless it’s for gas.”

“Yup! We’re all loaded up, Boss!” Millie declared, shutting the back doors to the van as her wimpy ass of a husband panted on the ground.

“Aren’t we missing someone?” Looney drawled from where she was leaning against the side, wearing a red flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off.

“Already on it, Looney,” I said as I listened to the dial tone of Jay’s phone. After a moment he picked up and I immediately said, “Hey tall, lanky, and horny, where are ya?”

“I possess antlers, not horns,” Jacques said in response with a hint of confusion, before continuing. “I was spending the night with Octavia, I will meet you at the ranch after I procure a change of clothes.”

Raising an eyebrow, I glanced down at the direction of my phone and couldn’t help but ask, “Didn’t you bring a change of clothes with you? Seems like the sort of thing you’d do.”

“I did. Octavia was much more aggressive last night than I was anticipating, and the clothes I brought with me require mending before I wear them again,” he explained, making me blink in surprise. I decided to ignore the fact that Stolas’s daughter apparently had a similar libido, but probably not as submissive.

“Right...so you know how to get to the ranch that Millie grew up at, right?”

“Yes,” Jacques said, with the faint sound of fabric and doors closing in the background. “Octavia and I will see you there.”

Before I could say anything else (not because I was surprised about Stolas’s daughter coming along, that had abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with it), the call ended, leaving me shaking my head as I hopped into the driver's seat. Fucking hell, how did Jacques manage to keep a relationship like that going despite just how fucked up his brain was?

“Jacques said he’d meet us there, so get your asses into the van, we’re goin’ ta Wrath!” I shouted to Millie, Loona, and Moxxie. Millie rode shotgun, given how we’d be heading to her folks’ place she’d be navigating while Moxxie and Loona got into the back and we hit the road.

About ten minutes later, I pulled off the freeway to the Wrath offramp, and from there it was another half an hour of driving along dusty roads and corn fields. Less than an hour out of Imp City, and we were pulling up to a sign that said Rough and Tumbleweed Ranch, a pair of imps standing out in front of a ranch house.

Millie got out first, running up to the two older imps, “Mamma, Daddy!”

The taller of the two caught her running hug, let out a whoop, and asked, “How’s my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?” while mussing up her hair.

“I’m good Pa,” the little murderblender of an imp answered. “Thanks for lettin’ us stay here for the harvest jamboree.”

“It’s no trouble,” the imp who could only be the one to have popped out Millie said while waving a hand. “We know you aren’t making as much anymore since y’all went ‘freelance’.”

What followed was a delightful bit of entertainment at seeing Millie’s folks talk shit to Moxxie. Always a blast and a half, thought it was more fun when I’m the one talking shit. Then Moxxie had to ruin it by calling another imp ‘Sir’.

“Hey watch it,” I said from where I had been watching the entertainment, mood soured, “I’m the ‘Sir’ here bucko!”

“Oh yeah,” Millie said, drawing the majority of the attention back on her, but I kept an eye on Moxxie. “‘allu haven’t met my boss, Blitz, and his hellhound.”

Dammit Millie, Loona-

“I’m not just his hellhound,” Loona insisted before I could finish the thought, so in retaliation I finished her own.

“Yeah, she’s also my daughter!” I snapped while pulling Looney into a one armed hug.

“Ugh,” Looney grunted while pushing me away, “on paper. You don’t deserve to know my name.”

With that matter cleared up, I made my way to the two that would be hosting us, pushing Moxxie out of the way as I said, “It’s a pleasure to finally be meeting the sperm and egg factory that popped out this gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch.”

A punch to Millie’s shoulder demonstrated the declaration, Millie’s pop letting out a chuckle as I heard Loona take a couple sniffs. No one else seemed to notice the latter as Millie’s old man, with a fond look to Millie’s dam, said, “That we did. So, Blitz is it? Heh, that’s a fine name.”

“It reminds me of war,” Millie’s mother said fondly, hands to her cheek.

“Heh heh, nothing like a little war to make a strong man,” Millie’s father (Joe, Moxxie called him) said while holding up an arm and flexing it.

Yeah, I’d figured I would if they were anything like Millie, but all the same, “I like you people.”

Of course, this was when Moxxie had to try to impress his in-laws. Very, very poorly. Granted, I really like guns, but read the fucking room Mox.

“Guns get the job done,” Joe allowed, which was a lot fucking more than I was expecting. “But a man ain’t nothing if he can’t tear the head off a hellish beast with only his bare hands!”

Oh this was too golden an opportunity, “HA! He’s right Mox, you got little baby hands to go with you baby dick.”

Moxxie finally showed a hint of spine by shoving my arm back and snapping, “Refrain, Sir.”

“Speaking of strong hands,” Joe said, getting both my and Moxxie’s attention. “Y’all should meet our newest help.” Joe turned towards one of the fields, held a hand against his mouth and shouted, “Hey! Striker!”

What followed was one hell of a badass introduction, the lean imp riding in on a motherfucking flaming horse! I admit, I was just a teensy itty bit distracted at first by the horse, so I missed the first bit of this Striker guy talking, but that came to a close when another imp came flying out of the fields to crash face first into the back of the sign with the ranch’s name.

“Sally Mae?” Millie asked, confused as the imp fell to the ground.

Turning back in the direction that the imp came flying from, I saw Jacques and Stolas’s daughter walking out of one of the fields. It was only from working with him for months at this point, but I could see a bit of annoyance on Jacques’s face.

“And who might you be?” Joe asked Jacques as he approached.

“This is Jacques,” Millie said, holding out a hand in Jacques’s direction. “He’s the new coworker I told ya about.”

“Sir, Ma’am,” Jacques said with a nod. “It is a pleasure working alongside your daughter.”

“She’s said a lot about you, Jacques,” Joe responded with a nod of his own, his eyes moving to Stolas’s daughter. “Your Highness, we weren’t expecting you.”

“Well when Jacques told me that Father had invited his boss and coworkers, I thought it would be interesting to tag along, you have a delightful farm,” she said with a bow of her head.

“Tha’ doesn’ mean ya have ta fuck in the corn field,” the imp that had gone flying into the sign slurred as...she(?) stood up on unsteady hooves.

Blinking, I turned my attention to Jacques and Stolas’s daughter, the latter of whom was blushing and looking away as Jacques leveled a hard stare at the speaking imp before saying, “Irregardless of any validity of that, when a request to participate is rejected, one should leave.”

“Wait, so they were…” Moxxie began only for Mills to shush him.

Joe, rather than becoming pissed or annoyed seemed amused instead, turning to his wife and asking, “Sneaking into the field for a quick fuck, remember when that was us?”

She smirked, giving a look to her husband that if I were the kind to...oh who am I kidding, it went straight to my dick. But the words out of her mouth made me like Millie’s parents even more than I already did, “You mean half an hour ago?”

“Oh Satan, I did not need that mental image!” Moxxie shouted, his voice high like the little bitch he was.

If I weren’t the keen eyed, badass, killing machine of an assassin that I was, I would have missed the anger and disgust in Striker’s body language as he stared at Jacques. Interesting, I think I’ll have to keep an eye on him while we’re here. Ain’t no one going to fuck up any of my employees ‘cept me!

Where: Rough & Tumbleweed Ranch, Wrath Ring, Hell
When: 1 hour later
Who: Loona

I’ll give Jacques this much: he’s certainly got stamina. After having fucked bird girl for, based on how potent their scent was, half an hour before they were interrupted, here they were back at it again. This time in the barn by the scent trail.

Checking to make sure that no one else had followed me, if I was right they were all focused on the hog that Striker’d killed, I slipped into the barn as silently as I could. What the fuck was I even doing? Why was I trying to spy on my friend and his girlfriend while they were fucking?

I had no fucking idea, but here I was, sneaking around a barn trying to watch them going at it without being noticed. Ducking down behind some bales of hay, I peeked around the corner and...well, they were definitely going at it. The two were on a bed of hay, Octavia straddling Jacques, her arms around his neck, their tongues intertwined. His hands were gripping her hips and...

I blinked, briefly distracted from the very sight that I’d snuck in here to see. I’d...called Jacques my friend, not out loud, but I’d called him that without even thinking about it. That...I couldn’t remember the last time I’d called anyone a friend.

Shaking my head, I forced that revelation down. I didn’t need to deal with the confusing mix of emotions that were tied up in that. I needed to focus on something else, like…

Oh, oh my...Jacques and Octavia had rolled over, not like the boring vanilla missionary that Fatty and Millie favored, that was a full on mating press. I swallowed; the sight, the wet sounds of skin on skin, the gasping moans and the low growls, and the musky scent of sex, was a lot, almost too much.

As my breathing started coming out in pants, and my pussy started throbbing, I bit down on a knuckle to muffle any sound as I shoved a hand down my pants and started rubbing myself. I wasn't going to stick a finger inside, not here, I was too close to Jacques. His senses weren’t as keen as my own, but they were still better than an imp’s and I didn’t want him to know I was here, but I could take care of myself like this.

So, with one hand inside my pants, the other pressed against my muzzle as I tried to stay silent, I watched my friend fuck his girlfriend. Fuck, I called him my friend again. Why was that so easy?

I could feel myself getting close, the pressure building, my heart beating faster, and just before I came I saw Jacques move his hands from her hips to her tits. His fingers pinched and pulled at her nipples and that was it. I felt my muscles spasm and tense as I let out a muffled whine, my vision whiting out and my legs feeling weak.