Helluva Time 13 (Patreon)

Where: Sydney Opera House, Sydney, Australia, Earth

When: 206 days to next Purge

Who: Collin, employee of C.H.E.R.U.B.

The demon’s grin stretched unnaturally wide as he started to loom over us. All three of us screamed as tentacles like those on an octopus rose up out of the prompter’s box behind the demon, fang-filled maws lining the entire length of them.

I closed my eyes, covering my head with my arms. It wouldn’t do any good, but it would make me feel better. Cletus and Keenie screamed, their voices choking and cutting off, loud tearing and snapping sounds filling the air, one after the other, and I waited for my turn. For the tentacles to wrap around me, for the teeth to bite in and rip me apart, for… why was nothing happening?

Opening a single eye, I saw the tentacle retreating back into the prompter’s box as the demon turned around, walking away from me. I glanced back to where Collin and Keenie had been, but they were missing.

“What… why did…” I began, trying to get the question out, the demon stopping and turning around.

The humans were all gone, that was the only reason that made sense for what it did next. Its body warped, the human disguise falling apart, black fur sprouting along exposed skin, gnarled, twisted horns growing from the top of its head, his face pushing out into an elongated muzzle.

“You played a game with me, so I am not going to bring you with me when I return to Hell,” the demon said in that same cold monotone he’d used almost every time he’d spoken.

“You…you’re leaving me here? What are you going to do with Collin and Keenie?” I asked, fear shooting through me. They were my friends, even if they hit me when I made a mistake or made me do all the paperwork for the business, I couldn’t leave them behind.

“Yes. I intend to butcher them and keep the meat in my freezer while using a few cuts to make jambalaya upon my return to Hell,” he stated, making my eyes widen.

I manifested my crossbow, aiming it at the demon, my eyes hard, “I’m not going to let you hurt them.”

The demon cocked his head to the side, “I have already killed them. I snapped their necks and began the process of draining their bodies of their blood. I intend to make blood bread out of them in addition to the jambalaya.”

My eyes widened in shock, this… this demon was a monster, a cruel, vile thing that planned on eating… wait a second, even as low as cherubs were in Heaven, their bodies still were made of similar energies as the angelic weapons used to kill demons.

“If you eat them, you’ll die!” I shouted at the demon, flying around to get in front of him as he turned to resume his march to the prompter’s box.

“I am doubtful,” the demon said, a faint hint of irritation in his voice. “I desired a game of dice specifically to avoid that.”

I blinked, thoroughly confused. That made no sense, what did my playing a dice game have to do with him dying or not dying to angelic energies? Before I could ask, the demon turned around again, drawing a circle in the air with a finger and opening a portal to Hell. My jaw dropped, how the… that didn’t… opening a portal was… this demon made no sense!

By the time I managed to shake off my shock, the portal closed, leaving me alone in the theatre. I looked around, seeing the destruction, the dead humans, the gore and carnage. Collin and Keenie always made the decisions, always gave me directions, always told me what to do, and now they are dead, leaving me alone. All I could do was ask one question…

“What do I do now?”

Where: Jacques’s Apartment, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell

When: 206 days to next Purge

Who: Jacques

Meat taken from shadows. Placed on countertop, shadows bring knives from block. Begin work butchering. Clothes removed first, skin cut into sections, can be fried to make chicharrones. Rough estimate: will not need to shop for meat for two weeks. Blood poured from shadows into container, place in refrigerator.

Need to work fast, reduce spoilage. Do not know how long cherub meat lasts. Male cherub finished first, more fat on meat. Set belly aside to cook for jambalaya, will treat like pork belly. Female next. Mammaries divested of fat, will render down, use as tallow. Not enough fat on rest of body to do so.

One leg set aside to use in jambalaya. Rest of female packaged in butcher paper with male. Organs set aside. Packages labeled with cherub gender and cut. Bones placed in separate pot from jambalaya cooking pot, will make broth. Affect smile. Uncle Alastor approve of utilizing entirety of cherubs. Will fry cherub testicles with cherub belly and leg meat, eat while jambalaya cooks.

Gratitude towards Uncle Alastor for teaching jambalaya recipe. Upon original manifestation in Hell was only capable of cooking most basic, simple dishes. Sandwiches, instant ramen, box pasta etc. Culinary skill improved vastly under Uncle Alastor’s tutelage. General mood receive qualitative improvement upon increase in food quality consumed.

Meat seasoned, salt and spices. Stirred in bottom of pot as fat renders. Meat approaches half done, onions, celery, pepper, crushed garlic cloves added. Let vegetables cook in rendered fat. Remove testicles, check for doneness. Almost, two more minutes. Make dipping sauce in interim.

Testicles finished, remove. Place on cutting board, cut into cubes. Place cubes on small plate, next to rammikan with dipping sauce. Consider for a moment, decide to eat with toothpick. Faint hint of amusement using toothpick. Provides temporal illusion of greater quantity of food. Place first bite in mouth, consider taste.

Dipping sauce touch too fluid, should be thicker. Will remember for next time, too much trouble to correct now. Inspect vegetables in jambalaya pot. Need additional minute, forty five seconds cook time. Briefly consider saving serving for Octavia, discard thought immediately. Octavia full demon, angel flesh liable to harm her. Unacceptable.

Consider making separate batch of jambalaya for next date idea. Will ask Octavia when next speak. Have date end of next week, will ask then if do not speak before then. Check vegetables. Ready. Add requisite stock. Add dry rice. Cover pot, reduce heat to low.

Finish cherub testicles. Feel faint itch in back, below shoulder blades.

Where: Office of Immediate Murder Professionals, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell

When: 205 days to next Purge

Who: Blitzø

I’m not normally one for sappy shit, but I had to admit, I was rather pleased with how yesterday’s job went. On top of getting to fuck with some cherubs, we got to reunite two best friends. The way everyone kept fucking up my walls, that I could have done without. Moxxie was working on the walls, and of course, some winged ass-clown decided to use the wall instead of the door, again.

I turned to face the prospective clie… wait a second, “Jacques? That you?”

“Yes, Blitzø,” the monotone voice of the Sinner in my employ said, despite coming from a figure with a few more limbs than he’d had the last time I saw him. Four, to be specific.

“Umm… those aren’t costume pieces, are they?” I asked, pointing to the new additions. Which smoothly folded up against his back.

“No,” he answered as he walked in, those freaky fuck shadows of his moving to help Moxxie in repairing the wall. “I was not anticipating the physical alteration upon finishing in assimilating the power taken from the cherubs.”

Mills cocked her head to the side, a look of confusion on her face, “Only one of them agreed t’ play a game with ya, how’d ya get somethin’ from the other two?”

His head turned around like Bird Dick’s as he walked into the break room, pulling a tupperware container out as he did, “I broke the necks of the ones that did not play my game and brought them home. I strongly suggest that no one else consumes my lunch, as I suspect the meat will be unpalatable for the majority of Hell’s denizens.”

That didn’t make much sense, this was Hell, the only thing that demons didn’t eat was… wait a second…

“Just to double check, make sure I heard you right,” I said while pinching my forehead, “Did you get those wings from eating the cherubs?”

“Yes,” was the blunt response provided as Jacques walked back into the main room.

Right, yeah, that was seriously fucked up, even for Hell. Moxxie, the tiny dicked Greedian, seemed to be in agreement, looking more than a little bit nauseous. Millie, being the tough bitch that she was, simply shrugged while Loonie remained focused on her phone.

“Well, I hear that lamb and pork are good for ya,” I joked, feeling a little bit queasy myself, but I forced it down. Ain’t no way I was going to let anyone see me being fucked up by something like a little angel eating! Even if it did send another shudder down my spine.

Jacques’s head turned to the side, turning even further than it normally did (fuck, even Stolas didn’t tilt his head that much!) before he said, “I did not consume infantile sheep or pig. I consumed cherubs.”

“It was a joke, Big Guy,” I said, and figured that I’d explain it to him. “I was making a reference to the one looking like a lamb, and ‘long pork’ is a slang term used on Earth for meat that comes from humans.”

Jacques continued to stare at me for a moment, long enough that it was starting to feel a touch uncomfortable. There was something that we needed to figure out, if he sprouted two pairs of wings from eating the cherubs, thus gaining at least some measure of angelic power…

“Millie, stop stroking the wings,” I said, causing Milling to pout as she stopped petting Jacques’s new wings. “Jacques, Big Guy. You gained angelic power from the cherubs and managed to avoid dying from it. We need to know if that means you can kill the denizens of this infernal shithole like an angel can. Go out there, find some schmuck asscrack of a Sinner who either deserves it or pisses you off and see if you can kill him easily.”

“Alright,” Jacques said, turning and making his way to the still incomplete wall. He leaned out, spread all four of his wings, and flew off.

“This is either going to go fucking amazing or cover us in three rings worth of shit,” I muttered as M&M and I watched him fly off towards Pentagram City.

Who: Jacques

Flight wonderful. Lack of flight prior to manifestation of wings a lesser state of being. Regardless, Blitzø ordered self to determine potential influence of angelic energies within self’s physical manifestation. Had originally planned to do so prior to coming in for work, but wing manifestation unforeseen and more exhausting than anticipated.

Considered testing on first Sinner encountered, but would not fit with Blitzø’s orders. Do not know sins of most Sinners. Cannot judge worthiness of erasure by basic examination. Sinners in Imp City less annoyingly aggressive than Sinners in Pride City, therefore more likely to find Sinner matching Blitzø’s requirements in Pentagram City.

Flying past warehouse in Victorian District when laughter of painful frequency emerged from building. Normally would move on past, but orders from Blitzø mean source of laughter acceptable target. Fly to ground, force open doors, enter.

Surrounded by egg-shaped entities, carrying weapons. Cobra shaped Sinner in back, makes some declaration, irrelevant. Egg entities attempt to stop, hands, tendrils, and wings move egg entities aside, with or without lethal force. Shadow tendrils restrain cobra Sinner, prevent escape. Feel something bubbling under skin, unknown what, push down.

Cobra Sinner continues to use painful frequency. Use claws, cut along face, carefully inspecting injury. Injury remain past Sinner healing initiation point. Initial conclusion: minimum result of consuming angel flesh suppress healing factor. Great potential. Will need to acquire angelic weapon, either collect blessed weapon after Purge or find alternate means of testing self’s resistance to angelic energies.

Use tendrils to dismember cobra Sinner, uninterested in consuming, leave meat to rot. Tried rattlesnake when younger, texture unpleasant. Suspect Sinner be no better. Consider visiting Uncle Alastor, decide against. Unsure Uncle Alastor’s reaction, unclear how he respond to growth in power and potential to permanently eliminate Sinners. Need additional consideration. Additional experimentation as well.