A Tattletale's Devilish Catalog (Commission) (Patreon)

“Do we have an understanding?” Coil asked, smirking under his mask.

I looked down at the blonde teen sitting across from Coil, the barrel of a gun pressed against her temple. Lisa Wilborn nodded, frightful tears in her eyes as she shook from the terror running through her. There was some discussion about meeting with her soon to be teammates in the morning, before Coil made a gesture and I put my hand on her shoulder. She stood, letting herself be guided by my hand.

It had taken surprisingly little effort on my part to have Coil give his recruitment speech to Lisa in his lair. He’d originally planned on doing it over the phone, but some minor use of Suggestion had him concluding that it would be best to showcase just how much power he had to bring down on her if she angered him. It served better for my plans that way.

I pushed the blonde girl into the cell that Coil had set aside for her, until she’d meet the rest of the Undersiders tomorrow, before shutting the door behind me. She made straight for the bed, collapsing on it and sobbing into the pillow. 

Allowing the barest hint of my Self out, just enough to render her power worthless, I spoke up, “Now that the emaciated Bond villain’s made his proposal, allow me to make my own.”

She jumped up, turning to glare at me before her eyes widened as her power failed to read me. Crawling against the wall, she asked, “What do you want?”

I smirked, my uniform rippling as they shifted from faceless merc goon #47 to something much more suitable for one who had been an Agent of the Company for two thousand relative years. Feeling more comfortable, I sat down as the cold cement floor shifted and warped to my will into a luxurious throne. 

“That depends. Do you mean in the short, medium, or long term? In the long term, I want entertainment and to turn the most powerful entities in the omniverse into my devoted broodmares as I sire countless dynasties and lineages of veritable deities throughout all of Creation. In the medium term, I want to humble you and permanently break that smug nature you have, so convinced that you are the smartest in whatever room you’re in. In the short term, I want to offer you a deal.”

“Is that right?” ‘I’m alone in a cell with an insane Cape that my power won’t read, fuck me this is bad.’ “What sort of deal are we talking about?”

I grinned, “I’m a field agent of a company that deals in powers and sex. Here’s what I’m offering: I sponsor you to be a field agent, I provide you with a budget of the Company’s internal currency, and you get thirty one days to obtain a single T11 ticket. Think of the ticket as dollars versus cents. Should you succeed, you will be free to explore the multiverse at your whim, visiting any world you can imagine, trying a billion different foods, seeing a billion different sunrises, sampling a billion different lovers.”

“And if I fail? If I don’t manage to obtain a… ticket?”

She flinched, as my grin stretched from ear to ear, my cheeks splitting to reveal rows and rows of dagger fangs as my eyes glowed with power. My answer was spoken in a smooth, hungry purr, “Then you, and everyone within your retinue, will be made mine.”

My features returned to baseline human as I stood, the throne returning to bare floor and my personal wardrobe shifting back into the uniform of one of Coil’s mercs. All to drive my next point home as I held my hand out for her to shake, “Or you can stay here, in a dying civilization, and work for a man with delusions of grandeur with a gun to your head. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like an obvious choice.”

‘I take back what I said earlier, this isn’t just bad, this is a nightmare. I’m trapped with an insane Cape that wants to rape me after I play along with whatever game his delusional mind has cooked up!’

“I assure you, I am far from delusional, dear Lisa,” I told her, my grin audible in my words.

‘Did he just-’

“Yes, I am indeed listening to your thoughts. It doesn’t really matter, we both know what your choice will be, don’t we?”

She glared at me, stewing in anger, frustration, and not an insignificant amount of fear. Finally, after a minute, she asked, “If I accept… how am I supposed to earn a ticket?”

“By Mastering people. The funds you’ll be receiving from my sponsorship will be spent on giving you the means to do so, along with, potentially, the power to ensure that you are never forced into a deal like the bulimic snake’s again.”

Lisa stared at me, suspicion in her eyes, before hesitantly reaching out and taking my hand. My grin stretched under the helmet, my lips splitting through my cheeks and ears to the top of my skull. I pumped her hand once, before turning around and tearing open a portal to my personal realm. With a whistle and a spring in my step, I entered, reaching back and dragging Lisa through the portal telekinetically.

“Eilistraee,” I greeted the nude form of the drow moon goddess as I let the portal close behind Lisa. “Be a dear and go fetch your mother, would you? Have her bring that sponsorship contract we drew up, along with the wood pulp version of the catalog. I will be sponsoring this slip of a girl in the usual room.”

“Of course, Daddy,” she said with a grin and a wink as she turned to walk away.

My hand came down on her ass with enough power to shatter planets, but all it did was make her jump as her firm, bubble butt jiggled from the impact. Her hands flew down to where I’d spanked her as I gave her a firm reminder, “When we have guests, it’s Master. Once you’ve delivered the message to your mother, go to the dungeon and prepare for your punishment. Understood?”

“Yes, Master.”

With that, she walked off and I turned to face Lisa, who was staring up at the sky in wide eyed shock. I wasn’t surprised, given how she’d never been on a ringworld. Chuckling in amusement, I let one of my greater forms rise up into the air and begin the flight to us. This particular form resembled nothing less than a xenomorph that burst from a dragon, but I had countless bodies on countless worlds. In some I’d been the most beloved of heroes, in others I’d conquered and laid kingdoms and nations to ruin, in others I’d consumed every living thing and left nothing but bare earth in my wake.

I had done anything and everything imaginable, which is why I adopted this sponsorship system. On the one hand, it let me see different perspectives in how to approach the powers the Company granted, along with any others they picked up, and I’d been signed on with the Company for so long that I could sponsor a Contractor with the deal I’m offering Lisa every hour for a full century and still not make a dent in my personal account. Plus, with the countless iterations of people throughout the omniverse, it didn’t cost me anything to let a single iteration of a future waifu go.

My dragon form landed in front of Lisa and I, and I switched the train of thought I’d been having to it as my human guise guided the tiny human child onto my back. With both securely seated between two of the neural spines. I spread my wings and took to the air, the tiny human screaming in terror as I did so. I ignored her, and returned to my previous train of thought.

I currently had two dozen contractors out in the infinite seas of reality, scrambling in their attempts to avoid becoming one of my waifus. Lisa was the first from an iteration of Worm, but the most entertaining by far was the iteration of Blake Belladonna who was dropped into Gotham City. The civil rights activist turned terrorist turned student had thought she’d be able to pull off the challenge without taking a binding , and now with a week left was frantically trying to find some sort of hint about who could possibly qualify as granting a ticket to get her out of the mess she’d found herself in. 

I landed in front of the manor that I started my journey with, and my two riders climbed off before entering. A strand of spider web drifted through the air, and I brought a talon down on it as the two shut the door behind them. The strand shifted into the typical guise of Lolth, my talon pinning her to the ground between where her drow torso met her spider abdomen. Both her belly and spider abdomen were swollen with our developing young.

“Seeking to be a spider on the wall to see your next future harem sister?” I teased as I leaned down, my eyeless form looming over her.

“It is as you say, My Liege,” the spider goddess said meekly, her head bowed low in subservience.

I grinned, ever amused at the reminder of having broken one of the most powerful evil entities in the slice of the omniverse that correlated with the game Dungeons & Dragons, before I lifted my talon off her and gave her a light swat to her spinnerets. She scurried up the steps to the manor, and with a chuckle I took to the air again, in the mood to breed another of my waifus. Tiamat was due to lay eggs any day, so I’d be nice and leave her be. But there were other waifus that had taken proper training… shifting the angle of my wings, I flew to a far off mountain, where Terendelev liked to roost.

Within the manor, my human guise’s pants tightened at memories of Kenabres and the crusade that followed. Good times. I returned to the here and now as Lolth entered the hall, holding a briefcase that, unknown to Lisa, had space expansion enchantments woven on the interior, so the catalog contained within could actually fit.

Lolth’s chitinous spider legs clicked and clattered across the hardwood floors as she approached us, her body language screaming submission and meek obedience. She placed the suitcase on the table between Lisa and I, before stepping back and bowing her head, her elfin arms held in front of her, lightly cradling her pregnant belly.

As Lisa stared at Lolth in confusion, I opened up the suitcase and pulled the sponsorship contract out before sliding it to Lisa, “Have a read, it’s the terms, conditions, and other such legalese bullshit we need to go through in order to do this.”

Lisa took the document, reading through it. I didn’t bother hiding my smirk. It didn’t matter what she did to try to wriggle out of our deal if she signed. The contract was written by devils at the top of Baator, gone over with a fine toothed comb by the kings and queens of the seelie and unseelie courts, then examined again by even more alien entities that specialized in finding loopholes and escapes in contracts.

Soon enough, Lisa signed, and I handed the Catalog itself to her as a Company smartphone appeared before her. I remained quiet as she went through the catalog, preparing her build to try to give herself the best chances at avoiding becoming a member of my retinue. When she finished, I gave a considering hum. Four credits unspent, and given the world she was being sent to, she’d have decent chances were it not for the ticket stipulation in paying me back. 

Still, it wouldn’t do for her to be sent on her way without some… assistants. As Lisa faded from my personal realm, I flipped through the catalog and made a few minor adjustments to her build. A manor was too big a home for one person to take care of, even a Company provided manor. Besides, who doesn’t like the view of a Disney Princess in a french maid outfit?