You Troll! 2 (Patreon)

"Honey, I'm home!" I shouted as I entered the abandoned subway tunnel I'd claimed as my lair.

“Go choke on a sandpaper dildo!” Mitsuki shouted from where she sat on an old couch, her arms hugging the swell of her baby bump. She looked to be around four months along, despite only about five weeks having gone by. “It’s bad enough you knocked me up, would it kill you to get some lights in here?!”

Yeah, that last one was a fair point. Despite my best efforts, I hadn’t had any luck in getting some lighting set up in here. I wasn’t going to start a fire, and the power was well and truly dead, so that pretty much killed all of the options. I couldn’t go shopping for flashlights, all I had to wear was a loincloth, I’d be arrested for indecent exposure, then my MILFy baby momma would starve to death.

Setting down the shark I’d been holding like a briefcase, I plucked the jellyfish that had found its way onto my head like it was a hat as I answered, “Sorry about that, I’m still working on getting some lighting in here. I’ll have something figured out by the time the twins are born.”

I brought the jellyfish up to my mouth and slurped it down like a wet noodle as Mitsuki raised a finger. Closing my eyes, my head twitched as I felt the rush of genetic and biological information surge through me. Hmm… that could be useful. I took in a deep breath and grit my teeth, my back arching, as I altered the inside of my body. I still had a brain, it was too useful and fundamental to my body’s baseline function, but I’d now made a backup diffused neural net, so that if my head ever was blown apart, ripped off, or some such thing, I’d be able to regrow it without any potential loss of memory or personality change.

Reaching down to the ground, I picked up the shark I’d brought and promptly bit into it, eyes closed as I processed the influx of information as I ate. The first to parse were gills, their structure and how they filtered oxygen out of water. A pause in my eating showed that I was able to form a set on my back, though figuring out how to have both lungs and gills working in tandem was going to take some more experimentation. Letting my skin ripple back to how it was, I concentrated on the shark’s face. There was something specific I was after.

“Do you have to eat so loudly? What even is that?” Mitsuki asked as I swallowed a mouthful of shark nose.

“Some kind of shark, the slurping was jellyfish,” I answered, blinking as what I was after clicked into place. I grinned before immediately altering the entirety of my epidermis, adding in a new feature and closed my eyes. Only to frown upon realizing a key problem. “Aw phooey.”

“If you’re unhappy, that’s good enough for me!”

Ignoring the peanut gallery, I grumbled and continued my meal. Electroreception didn’t really work in air, the electricity couldn’t conduct through it well enough. I’d still be able to get other features though, like the constantly replacing teeth and the sandpaper skin thingy. Mitsuki no longer flinched as I bit through the bone of the shark’s jaw, so once I finished up my dinner (and licked all the blood and stuff from my lips) I forced down all the changes I’d gotten from my dinner (except the neural network, keeping that).

I was going to give Mitsuki her meal (perks purchased made my bodily fluids nutritious enough to live off of) when I spotted a swirling inky blackness forming in the corner. Moving to stand in front of my Waifu, I gave the swirl the stink eye as a short, lanky guy covered in severed hands walked out before the swirl formed into a guy with a metal brace and a fancy suit. I blinked once I recognized them. I honestly had forgotten about the League of Villains, and somehow I was apparently being picked for recruitment?

“Kurogiri, did you fuck this up?!” Handjob snapped, his head whirling around.

“These are the coordinates I was provided,” Mistyman answered calmly.

“The fuck?” Mitsuki shouted as she stumbled back, clampering along the couch.

“Why do you have a severed hand on your face? That can’t be sanitary,” spilled out of my mouth at the same time as Mistyman and Mitsuki spoke.

Mistyman sent some smoke up into the air above us, and a pillar of light came out. Leaning down, I saw that he had opened a portal to a ceiling light fixture. Huh, clever.

Turning back to face Handjob and Mistyman, I asked, “So what brings a misty-butler and an edgy tryhard to my humble abode? Uninvited I might add.”

What followed was some speech about cliche villain shit, capped off with a goal of killing All Might. I didn’t really pay attention, I just had a single concern: “If I say yes, will you provide me with some pants?”

Both my guests blinked, Handjob’s line of thought thoroughly derailed, “What?”

“I have no legal identity, no way of obtaining one, no source of income, two kids on the way, I’ve been using a bedsheet as a loincloth for the last month, and I miss having pants. Get me a wardrobe, and a place for my baby-mama here, and I’ll shove my hand so far up All Might’s ass I’m using his skull as a sock puppet.”

All three people in my home stared at me, one in horror, one in surprise, one… I’m actually not sure what Mistyman’s thinking.

“Well then…” Handjob said, refocusing as a grin spread across his chapped lips. “Welcome to the League of Villains.”

“One more question,” I interrupted. “How sold are you on the name? Because ‘League of Villains’ sounds so… emo, like it was named by a bunch of teens who sit around bitching and whining about how much their life sucks while living on mom and pop's generosity.”

I could feel Handjob hating me so hard right now.

[hr][/hr]

“Welcome to our new home!” I cheerfully cried out as I carried Mitsuki into the room we’d been given. Ooh, is that a California King sized bed?

“I’m being held captive in the middle of a hideout by people who want to kill All Might, and my rapist is treating this like he’s in a pre-Quirk sitcom and joined a bunch of crazies for fucking pants! What god or goddess did I piss off in a past life to deserve this?!” Mitsuki shrieked as I gently dropped her on the bed. Had to be considerate for the twins after all.

I have to say, I hope once the binding’s finished Mitsuki keeps up the snark, it’s fun. In the meantime, “Well, time to christen our new bed!”

Ignoring Mitsuki’s feeble kicks (mental note: as soon as the limitation in the contract’s over, grab literally any binding that’ll work on dudes so I can get the points to get the upgrades to start boosting her), I reached out and picked her up. I had something new I wanted to try.

“Wait, what the fuck are you doing?! I’ve never had anything there!” Mitsuki all but screamed as the flared head of my dick pressed against a certain hole.

“It’s a new stage in our lives together, it seems appropriate to do something different to celebrate,” I explained as I held my cock steady with my free hand and pushed/pulled her onto me.

With an audible ‘POP’, the head forced its way past her valiantly resisting sphincter into her ass. A grimace of immense discomfort (but no pain) spread across Mitsuki’s face as I delved deeper and deeper past her backdoor.

“Congrats on losing your last virginity. Thanks for saving it for me,” I cheerfully told her, even as her limbs went limp from the deluge of sensations overwhelming her.

If I had thought her pussy and throat were tight, they had nothing on her ass. As my medial ring reached the base of her ass, I felt a different kind of sphincter at the end of my dick. A glance at the bulge in her belly, outlining my cockhead above her small baby bump, the length I still had to go, and how much of her was above my dick’s outline painted an interesting picture.

“I’ll be honest, I’ve only seen this in tentacle hentai,” I began, gently tapping Mitsuki’s face to get her to refocus. “But I think we’ll be able to do an all the way through. Ready to try?”