Helluva Time 1 (Commission, Helluva Boss) (Patreon)

Where: Office of Immediate Murder Professionals, Imp City, Pride Ring, Hell

When: Who gives a shit? Oh all right, I’ll include that bit; ahem… 346 days to next Purge

Who: Blitzø, Owner and Manager of Immediate Murder Professionals

I was in my office when he walked in. An obvious Sinner, he looked mostly human, a pair of antlers with a total of six points, furred legs that ended in paws, fiddling with a pair of dice in his hand, a small frown on his face. Were this noir-style inner monolog in the Mortal World, I’d include something about smelling trouble, but this is Hell, that’s just the fact that I left the window open.

“Welcome to the Immediate Murder Professionals, you name ‘em, we off ‘em. I’m Blitzø, the ‘o’ is silent, and who do ya want dead?” I asked, charming business smile on as the potential client’s eyes looked over my immaculate office.

Potential Client didn’t say anything for a long, uncomfortable moment. He just looked over the office before rolling the dice on my desk. I couldn’t help but look down as they came to a stop: 7 and 22? I didn’t know dice went that high. Looking back up… where did that chair come from? Oh… oh.

Straightening my back, I looked the much more powerful than anticipated Potential Client in the eye as he sat in a black chair with far too many eyes. Don’t panic, Sinners with a shit-fuckton of power form, it happens, just because there’s shadow doesn’t mean shit. Besides, he ain’t smiling and the horns are too big.

“So… who pissed ya off before ya got down here?” I asked, grin firmly in place as I tried to keep from sweating.

Potential Client blinked, “I’m not here for that. I found the flier.”

… wha?

“Um… we kill people, that’s kinda our whole business model. If you don’t want someone dead, I think ya might be in the wrong office.”

“But the flier,” Potential Client said before reachi-oh shit, hands are not supposed to reach into eyeballs like that!

Yes… hand me the piece of paper you just pulled out of an eyeball the size of my head on your chair. And it’s still wet. Blech. Okay, let’s have a look… ah. I’d forgotten about these, haven’t needed them since M and M joined up.

“I see the confusion, this flier’s three years old. I’m kinda full up on employees,” I explained before setting the wet and soggy ‘Help Wanted’ sign with my immaculate drawing into the blender under my desk. I’ll add it to the next phone I wreck when Stolas gets too freaky for me on the phone.

“So you’re not hiring?” okay seriously, the flat tone is getting creepy.

“Fraid not. If ya got someone on Earth you want dead, then we can talk.”

“What if I kill someone on Earth, then will you hire me?”

“Kid, you’re a Sinner. You aren’t allowed on Earth. Even if you could get past all the security checkpoints and Customs offices, you’d last maybe a day before dissipating. That’s assuming you’re as powerful as the Three Vs. The Radio Demon? Maybe a week, more likely closer to four or five days. My crew don’t have to worry about that because we were all born in Hell; when we go to the Mortal World our bodies keep our souls from leaking. Any trip longer than an hour and you’d be a hindrance.”

The Kid blinked in confusion, man his face does not move for shit, “What about the tales of people summoning demons?”

“Ninety nine times out of a hundred they’re summoning a born-demon, not a Sinner. Sinners by and large don’t have the power to make the effort of summoning worth it. Now, unless you’ve got someone you want dead…”

His frown deepened before he stood up and swiped his dice from my desk. He stormed… where’d his chair go? Sighing at the loss of a potential client I got back to what I was doing.

“‘Oh Blitz, you’re such a good boss.’” the Millie prop drawled, before the Moxxie one joined in, “‘Yeah, I really want you, sir.’”

KRA-BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

“Holy shit fuck! What was that?!” I shouted perfectly calmly as an explosion shattered my window and interrupted my ‘play’ time. Slipping my toys into their proper drawer, I ran over to the remains of my window.

“Aw shit, another fucking turf war? Who is it this time?” I grumbled before pulling out a pair of binoculars. Looking around the street, I finally spotted the two groups fighting over the turf.

The loud cackling of one side made finding them so much easier, “NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thizzzz izzzz now our territory! Buzzzz off you smooth-skinned forehead breatherzzzz!”

“Yar! This street be our booty ya black hearted buggers!” the dolphin looking Sinners (while dressed like they walked off the set of a pirate movie) shouted.

“So a turf war between dolphin pirates and wasp bikers… just another day.” I said with a sigh.

As I was getting ready to make some popcorn to enjoy the action, The Kid walked outside. Well, either The Kid was going to get fucked up, or… no, he was going to get fucked up. Unless he was an Overlord in disguise or something, this many people ready for a scrap was too much for any one Sinner.

“Excuse me, would you gentlemen please not fight so loudly.” The Kid asked, sending a chill down my spine. Only two kinds of people in Hell were that polite: the naive and the powerful. While there was a damn good chance it was the former, I had a gut feeling that it was the latter.

“Buzzzz off!” one of the wasp bikers buzzed at The Kid.

“Aye, this be no place for ye, ya horn headed guppy!” shouted one of the dolphins.

“But I don’t have horns, these are antlers,” The Kid stated with a note of confusion.

I blinked, somehow in just a few words The Kid managed to get two groups bent on a turf war with each other all focused on him. Well, probably for the best I didn’t hire him, anyone with that kinda luck isn’t…

I… did he just…

I wasn’t able to catch anything after The Kid bit a wasp in fucking half due to the cloud of darkness that seeped from him like a block of dry ice in a bucket of water. Screams of pain and terror echoed out of the cloud, the sounds of ripping flesh and spilled blood.

“Not my leg, not my leg!”

CRACK

“Back to my leg, back to my leg!”

SNAP

“That’s not supposed to bend!”

Not two minutes after the cloud billowed out of The Kid, it faded away. Showing the carnage that had been wrought. Both gangs were… in pieces. The largest piece was one of the wasps’ ass which had been shoved down a dolphin’s throat. The Kid was nowhere to be-oh wait there he is.

“Right then,” I muttered before stepping out of my office, “Loony, I’m going to step outside for a moment while I collect our newest employee.”

“Whatever.” she muttered.

The last time I ran this fast was when Verosika found out I left her with the hotel bill, but I caught up with The Kid.

“Kid!” I hollered getting his attention. He turned, hitting me with a glare. I came to a stop and swallowed nervously, hoping he stayed with polite and not-murder-happy.

“So… about that job thing…” I began, trying to find the right words to use, “what you did to those two groups, ‘bout how much of your power did you use?”

He blinked before humming in contemplation, “Less than a quarter. They broke easily.”

Not as bad as I was afraid of, but still way more power than any of us had. Still, on par with a standard Overlord was impressive.

“Okay, with that as a metric, I take back what I said about you lasting an hour in the Mortal World. You’ve got enough juice in the tank to last a day. Most of our jobs last between four to six hours, so while you can join in on every job, you won’t be a complete hindrance like the average Sinner.” I mused aloud before holding out a hand for him to shake, “Still want the job?”

He didn’t answer, just stared. And stared. His gaze switching from my hand to my face. Arm’s starting to get tired, please don’t kill me like those guys earlier, whydidIthinkthiswasagoodideaholyshitfuckI’mgoingtodie…

Oh, thank Satan he shook my hand. I.M.P.’s moving up! We got us a fucking powerhouse!

“Come on Kid, I’ll introduce ya to the rest of the crew!”

Introductions went well, Millie and Moxxie were eager to get to know The Kid (who introduced himself as Jacques), Loona was… Loona, focusing more on her hellphone than what everyone else was talking about. Now, since our little family has grown, there’s an important thing to handle.

Grabbing everyone in a one armed hug, I pulled out my phone to take a group selfie, “Smile everyone!”