The Truth is Out There. (Patreon)

Soooo... there are really only two possible reasons I lost the bet.

The first is simple. Essentially, the Mayans were right. Hear me out.

Possibility One:

Some you might remember that kerfuffle back in the oughts, when we thought that, because the Mayan calendar was ending, that the actual end of the world would coincide. Now, those highfalutin, fancypants elitist scientists, those “archaeologists,” and “anthropologists,” and “pre-Columbian Latin scholars” MIGHT have you believe that the reasons this calendar situation was taking place was because the Mayans were indicating the end of an astrological age. Along with that, these “academics” say, maybe they just thought they were good to go for a little while.

“Ma’lob Ja’atskab K’iin, Itzel.”

“Ba’ax ka wa’alik, Zac-Kuk. Bix yanikech?”

“Hach ma’aloob’. Kux tech. Listen… We know you’ve been working hard on this calendar, but you’ve got it pretty nailed down for the next, like, 800 years.”

“Yeppers peppers,” Itzel replied. “Was gonna get the next 800 taken care of, too!”

“See, that’s the thing. We were talking, and we kind of figured that maybe 800 years is enough, and that we can all just kinda pick it up later. I mean, great work! But, they could use you over at observatory in Palenque, so how would you feel about heading there for a while?”

“I mean, OK. But, like… you don’t think that some people are gonna come from across that ocean, and that maybe they’ll take over, and then, they’ll freak out a little because, you know, I haven’t finished the calendar?”

“What are the chances of that happening. Besides, Xmucane says she could totally use someone who’s good at spreadsheets.”

Yeah, all of my Mayan astronomers are WOMEN. Bet you didn’t see that coming!!! In any case, the aforementioned “academics” also might reminisce about how “the Maya never actually predicted the end of the world at all, and that’s just something we made up recently, because it was a slow news day.”

To that? I say, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Because that man isn’t a man at all. It’s a rabbit! And there’s no curtain, because it’s not a curtain at all, because it’s a rabbit hole! Which is where we’re fucking headed mon frére! So maybe DO pay attention to the man behind the curtain, because this rabbit hole goes so deep, it goes all the way to the top!”

Fast forward to the real 2012, the one on the Georgian calendar that Jesus invented. The European Organization for Nuclear Research, a.k.a. CERN, a.k.a. 666 Devil House No-Freedom Factory has been chugging along for quite some time. They’ve been doing all of their little “experiments —“ all cover stories, obviously, for CERN’s TRUE purpose… to save the world…?”

See, long time ago, before the Maya, before HUMANS, a proto-black hole came flying through our solar system and pierced the earth. This thing was microscopic, and upon entering, began playing a dangerous game with Earth: Earth’s gravity was too powerful to let the black hole escape, so there this tiny black hole stayed, for millions of years, chugging around on the inside of our planet, slowly eating it away. That’s why we have earthquakes and volcanoes. (I’m not letting you off THAT easy, geologists and volcanologists — you know the TRUTH, and you’re NOT TELLING US!)

Eventually, the “scientists” got wind of the problem. The first one was Galileo, but he was killed by the Vatican (look it up, I’ve done MY research). Later, once we completed the Hubble telescope, we found proof-positive (the Hubble isn’t a telescope, but an Earth-monitoring device that also controls our minds and convinces us to buy foreign cars).

So. What’s the best way to catch a black hole? With ANOTHER BLACK HOLE. They TRIED to fool us by telling us they were looking for something called a “Higgs Boson,” this thing that’s supposed to “give everything mass.” But, Uhmm, I’m sorry… isn’t that what MOLECULES do?! (Yeah, I’ve been to school — I remember there being a periodic table on the wall). But… it was enough to convince the SHEEPLE.

In 2012, they flip the switch. But quickly, things get out of hand. Who are we to play God! The black hole they created got out of control, and in the blink of an eye, the WHOLE WORLD WAS SUCKED INSIDE.

What happens when you go through a black hole? What awaits on the other side? Conventional wisdom says… we don’t, and can’t, ever know.

Except we do know, don’t we.

See, when we were instantly sucked through the black hole, the entire world MERGED with a parallel Earth in an alternate dimension. It didn’t replace it… it didn’t destroy it… it just… merged. Thing is, THIS other earth was similar to our own in almost every way. Except, this Earth 2 existed in a universe where the dinosaurs were never obliterated by the asteroid. And THAT’S why Queen Elizabeth, The Clintons, and Jerry Bruckheimer, and even BETTY WHITE? ALL LIZARD PEOPLE. They WEREN’T lizard people back on Earth 1. But they are NOW, here in the Earth 2 that we all share, because some of them merged with the humanoid lizard people who inhabited Earth 2!

“But Heather,” I can hear you saying. “This all sounds incredibly plausible, of course, but I am a like-minded person who also values good, thorough research. What PROOF do you have?”

Ha, I thought you’d ask that. See, my proof is the Mandela Effect. In the OLD Earth, Nelson Mandela did pass away while incarcerated on Robben Island (as a lot of people recall was the case!). But in the NEW Earth, he became president of South Africa, and passed away in… wait, what?! 2013! Which is ONE YEAR AFTER 2012!

I’m sure you know of the Mandela effect, learned readers. BerenstEin Bears?! J.C. PennEy? The Statue of Liberty NOT being located on Ellis Island? Looney TUNEs? The Monopoly Man’s Monocle? Pikachu’s Tail?!! Fruit of the Loom’s Cornucopia, Froot Loops, and Febreze?!!?! The Lindbergh Baby, The Challenger, “Luke, I am your father,” and “Play it Again, Sam?!!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?” WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED FROM ME, LEARNED READER!??!?!

Of course, “skeptical minds” would have you believe otherwise. They might say, “Logical misspellings and misremembered quotes are just a result of a collective group mind’s influence by media and popular culture, and that group mentality is explainable by a pseudoscience called ‘reasonable logic.’" OR, they might say that “a misremembering of world events can easily be explained by a homogenized and woefully underfunded western educational system that fails to provide context for the importance of history by a hyper-reliance on rote memorization and standardized testing measures.” But… WE KNOW THE TRUTH! WE LIVE IN A PARALLEL EARTH, SURROUNDED BY LIZARD PEOPLE, AND THE FOLKS WHO REMEMBER THE STUFF ARE CORRECT, BECAUSE THEY’RE REMEMBERING IT FROM THE PAST REAL EARTH, BECAUSE WE’RE THE ONES WHO HAVE OPENED OUR EYES!!!!!

I say all of this because, the other day, I made a bet. I had some friends over, who I hadn’t seen in a long time, and we all got around to talking about movies and stuff. Somebody couldn’t remember the name of the woman in “The Shining” (which is, as you might know, one of my very favorite movies), and I said it was Shelly Winters. Another person corrected me, and said it wasn’t Shelly Winters, and that they couldn’t remember the name of the woman from “The Shining,” but it definitely wasn’t Shelly Winters. But I stood my ground, dear reader.

So, before resorting to our phones, we made a bet: if it wasn’t Shelly Winters, then I had to wear (we’ll call her Maria) Maria’s bra for the rest of the night. Fine! Fine with me! Maria is a C cup? Who cares! Because I KNOW I won this bet already.

Hmm.

Shelley Duvall. Hmm. This is disconcerting. Obviously another result of the Mandela Effect. In REAL EARTH, the woman on the left was named Shelley Winters, and the woman on the right was named Shelley Duvall. In crossing our own human-made event horizon, they got switched.

Possibility 2:

There’s one other explanation. That I was drunk, and I had seen “The Poseidon Adventure” recently, and that the name was in my head, and I just brain farted and got them switched.

Which is bullshit. I blame the scientists.

But, a Heather always keeps her word. Even when she’s been wronged. By the scientists. Not by whiskey. 

Anyway, thank GOD it was a Maidenform. At least it was stretchy as hell. I wish they made them in my size... 

Though they probably did, back on the much-more boob-friendly Earth 1.