Dishes, Spiders, Cutouts, and the Best Painting Ever. (Patreon)

I suppose that's what this bully pulpit is for, isn't it? I'm not gonna lie. I've gotten a bit burned out lately, for all the reasons we usually get burned out these days. That's okay, and I don't foul myself for it. I think we all should get some sweet, sweet time to just be good-and-burned-out from time to time.

But Dear, Sweet Patron, it caused me to fall into a folly — one that society typically reserves for the "creatives" of the world; although, I think everyone is (actually, like for real) creative, so I can't help but imagine that we all have had our ankles clamped by the bear trap of "option paralysis" from time to time.

Here’s how it goes, at least for me. I’m a writer. It’s what I do for a living. And, I’m pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. Still, that doesn’t sometimes mean (Good God, No!) that I don’t just sit there for a while, staring at a cursor, and re-writing my first sentence some 100-odd times.

Maybe a change of music will work to get the juices flowing? Maybe if I take the laptop to some other part of my space, the change of climate will do me some good. Maybe another cup of coffee. A terrible attempt at yoga. Maybe I’ll just do the dishes real quick-like, and by the time I’m done, the divine spark will have burrowed into my brain!

(By the way, for what it’s worth, doing the dishes usually involves a wardrobe change, so I can’t be blamed too much for this one.)

Sometimes, it works! Most of the time… it’s just procrastination. Hours to days, days to weeks, and so on.

But, there are some ways to get out of it. And one of the most effective I’ve found is it just “get everything out onto the paper,” and go from there. Spill it all, in no particular order, and just see what happens. This is a cousin-philosophy to the old idea of “get the small shit done first,” which is a fine way of at least feeding that little instant gratification-loving portion of lizard brain.

And so, that’s kinda what I’m doing here. Taking all the stuff that’s... piled up on the Desk of Heather Beck*, and putting it out there. I wanted to make short posts about all of these in the last month or so, but none of them seemed “cool enough,” or relevant, or worthwhile, and I kept telling myself, “I’ll get to this, soon!” Or, I would say, "I've got something BIG to write and say and share! So I want to do THAT first, and THEN I'll put out one of these little ones, maybe the one about the silly spider!" Blah, blah, blah, creative self-flagellation! Ah, well.

Not to say that any of it isn't worth posting about! There’s some fun, goofy, sometimes interesting stuff to follow. But in the interest of giving my brain-desk a bit the ol’ clean-off, heeeere we gooo…

*You like that logo? Yeah, I do too… that’s from @BDzArt on Twitter, the guy who did my banner on this-here Patreon. Keen-eyed folks will notice that it’s the same image he stuck on the back of the laptop. Fun, huh? In addition to commissioning some awesome artwork, I got an emblem, ready to be slapped onto my superhero outfit! (Though for real, I’m thinking of getting a stack of old-school stationery with that as the letterhead… I’m thinking… Smythson of Bond Street, Cotton, 6.25” x 8”, Nile Blue on Cream, 110gsm. Or something like that. I’m not picky.)

A Little Bit of Love

This is a print of a painting a stumbled across. It features some of the most iconic figures throughout Mexican history. Unrelated, but at around the same time, I got this (piece of an unfragmented) bag as part of a delivery order. I was having a bit of a rough day, and the burrito craftsperson with good handwriting must have intuited that somehow. It made me feel nice. 

Flippidy-Floppy Fan Art

I'm generally the type of person who welcomes fan art with open arms. Granted, there are those unsolicited pieces that arrive from time to time that are... beyond the pale. Those get deleted immediately so they don't haunt my freaking dreams, dude. But for the most part, I take it as a compliment: somebody spent their time and talent creating something, and for that, I tip the hat at them. 

Case in point, this udderly fun little piece of silliness from @secretpen_art on Twitter. I mean, I've got to hand it to the guy — very few folks quite nail Nat and Olga's squish factor, that's for sure. If you're a fan of this one, you'll like his Twitter. 

By the way... You'll probably find the uncropped version of this pic on his Twitter. In it, the lower part, with some added extremities. To each their own, no worries, but for the sake of my own Patreon, I like to keep the content light, fun, and generally un-genital'd. 

Midnights

Nothing much to go with this one. I just wanted to say that I made a very audible "EEEEP!" noise when I found out that Tay-Tay is coming out with a new album in October. If I'm not terribly mistaken, I should be riiiight in the middle of my period when it drops. I'm already stocking up ice cream, red wine, and frozen pizzas, so I should survive. 

Well, that's new. 

A moment ago, I was talking about fan art. Generally, it's an illustration, maybe a Photoshop, or a song, or some original piece of writing. But in all this time, I've never quite considered the idea that there is, somewhere out there, a life-sized cardboard cutout of me. 

Like this one, courtesy of @keymaster728 on Instagram. I mean, heck, dude! At the very least, that's a new one on me! I was curious. So, I reached out (his name's Thomas, btw, chill dude). 

Lifted the pic of my Instagram, which is fine by me — those pics are for the masses and all — though I have no clue how he got the resolution high enough for me to not look like an NES character. 

And then I was like... wait a sec, my lower legs weren't showing in that IG pic. Clever cut-and-pasting? (Not sure who they're borrowed from, but they're better than mine, so I'm jealous.) Then, 8x10 printouts, puzzle-pieced together onto poster board. 

As Thomas put it, it's about "seeing the true size distortions and amazing statures of legendary big bust models." I wouldn't say I'm legendary, but I'll take it as intended. ;-) Anyway, word has it he takes requests on his DeviantArt page. If you happen to stumble across him, tell him Heather says "'sup."

Crrriiiinge...

Oh yeah, this one, which still gives me the heeby-jeebies... Don't get me wrong, I dig satire just as much as the next person, but it settled in pretty quickly that this wasn't even one of those "is this from The Onion?" blurry lines. Person who made this is serious. 

Which raises some questions. So many questions! I'm gonna look past the apparent ignorance that breast reductions are major medical procedures that are performed for myriad reasons (well-being, sense of self, that stupid cancer thing, etc.). I'm gonna skip the whole autonomy thing, because the Supreme Court deeply pisses me off, society is dead, and I just don't wanna talk about it. And, I'm gonna let slide this notion that breasts — especially giant fucking ones! — exist (it seems) only to please the dude folk. I'm not going to bring up any of those absolutely valid points!

Because, WOW! The weeping emojis over a pic of a gal who I'm guessing did not volunteer for this little campaign (she certainly doesn't look thrilled). The clipart that looks like it came out of one of those CD binders from the early days of graphic design. The fact that that clipart gets... weirdly militaristic on the third panel. The change of topic in panel two, with "Money being the root of all evil," because, what the hell does that have to do with anything? And a Crime Against Humanity?! So, me getting my tits lopped off would be tantamount to the Rwandan Genocide for this guy. And that 'testimonial' at the end, Oh My God! I mean, to be fair, that's a whole story, there! The jealous girlfriends, and the world destruction! I would read four more panels about that! 

What kind of worldview does one have to have, I wonder, to even come CLOSE to thinking that something like this could, or would even have to, ever happen, and — [ring-ring... ring-ring...] 'scuse me...

...

Ah-hem. I just got a phone call from the year 2026, and it seems that.. Hmm. Yeah, fuck this, I'm moving to Canada. 

Yes.

On to something fluffy. This is a label I pulled off a beer bottle. It is an ale, made with hibiscus. It is delightful. Also, that is a hippo, with wings. 

Did you know that hippos kill about 3,000 people a year? They're quite vicious. If they could fly, we would all be screwed. 

And I said I was gonna keep it fluffy. 

Oh, yeah!

Dudes, I found this, tucked away on some old hard drive I haven't touched in years! I don't THINK it ever made it online... It's an outtake from this goth-y Victorian-ish shoot I did aaages ago, and it seems like a shame to waste it. 

Plus, it made me chuckle. As I recall, it totally wasn't an intentional shot — I think my tripod was in the middle of falling over onto a hard floor and my phone didn't have a case on it, so I was in full panic mode.

More Fascinating Than Anything

Nothing much to see here. I just found this crazy spider recently and managed to get a glass over it. It was quick!

It's a Yucatecan Tarantula. Looks viscous, but it's pretty harmless to humans. Except for its hairs, which are supposed to be like little barbs that get stuck in your skin and itch like a mother. (Thanks, Google.) I didn't find out before I threw him over a wall, harder than I wanted to. He almost got out of the glass! Anyway, that little guy caught some serious air.

I Know, I Know...

Yeah, I got into Wordle for a second there, just like everybody else did. I'm not gonna share my stats, or anything (they're impressive, of course, brub-brub-brub). 

Haven't played for a long time now; I think the beginning of the end of my addiction was this particular puzzle. 

Screw you, Wordle. I'm going back to the Crossword Puzzle (another fine subsidiary of the New York Times news and game agency).

Adversaries and Alliances

This one was a hoot. You guys know Astrid (3Astrid33 on everything). She and I get into these merry wars sometimes, basically just messing around in the IG stories. It's good fun.

In the midst of one of these faux spats, a fan sent this along. I wish to God I could remember his name (can't find it anywhere!), but it made me laugh out loud. 

It also proves that I am always the winner at all things, and that the (presumably) guy on the left is obviously correct about life, the universe, and most things.

Peek-A-Boo(b)

@boxy_dojo on Instagram did this one, an homage to one of my favorite old pictures. His stuff is a whole load of fun — he specializes in pics just like this one: woman with big ol' boobies, from the neck-down and the hips-up.

Dammit... I still miss that shirt...

The Greatest Painting of All Time

I do not recall where I first saw this painting. For a while there, I was honestly convinced that it was the product of some fever dream — that my mind had invented it for only an instant before the neurons went back to doing important stuff. 

But, no. I had seen it and saved it to my phone, only to let it independently evolve in my mind before rediscovering it. 

The second time I saw it was even better than the first. These two are fucking under a preposterously large painting of their dog, who is also present in the painting. There is a disproportionate keyboard. Were they playing it as foreplay? Why is the dog still there? I can't have sex if there's a dog in the room. They stare. It's odd. 

I would own this painting if it were possible. I would purchase it for a not-inconsiderable amount of money, and I would hang it in a place where people could see it.  

And with that...

The desk is relatively cleaned off, more or less: I still need to Lysol it down to get the sticky stuff off; there are proverbial crumbs caught in the keyboard; there are a couple of papers that'll just get folded up and inserted into the bottom drawer where I may find them later. But, for the most part, about as disorganized and sloppy as... I prefer.

Let's see... what's next on the agenda... (Oh, yeah — probably something to do with the fact that Olga is being a little [big] bitch lately. But more on that later.)