Heather Beck: Virgin Killer (Patreon)

It’s kind of fun to have a surprise that you wouldn’t otherwise even consider to get for yourself. Case in point, a dear friend of mine had a question: “Have you ever heard of a ‘virgin killer’ sweater?”

I hadn’t, but that’s what Google is for. And when I checked it out, a bell of familiarity rang. I’d seen it somewhere before… maybe in some pop culture reference, movie TV show, I wasn’t sure, but somewhere. 

Essentially, it’s a sweater-dress with a high turtleneck. It comes down to about mid-thigh, and aside from an elastic hem that comes around the bottom completely, the entire back is open. To top it off, a pair of decorative ribbons that can be tied into a bow in the back — something to give it a finishing touch. The look is popular in Southeast Asia, Japan in particular, and yeah — I gotta admit, it’s pretty cute in a crazy kinda way. 

I imagined this was just a passing questions from my friend, until this person sent me a link a little while later: there it was, for sale, from Alibaba. It wasn’t very much, less than $10. "Whatddya think... do you want one?”

I honestly didn’t have an answer at first. I recently stocked myself up on some clothes — practical garments that can take me through the winter and into the spring — and the idea of something frivolous hadn’t crossed my mind. 

“I don’t know,” I said. “I mean… how would it even work? Dear Lord, could I even pull it of at all?”

The largest size available? An XL. It definitely wouldn’t be large enough, though it has the whole cable-knit thing going for it, so it would stretch, but… how much? How would it hang, blah blah blah.

But, as I’ve learned to say recently: what the heck. “Tell you what. If, for whatever reason such a sweater happens to show up in the mail… I will wear it.” Acknowledged. And? A couple weeks later? Lo and behold.

And so, here we are. I'm certainly not a match of the model in the stock product photo at the top of this essay (she's not me, duh). In my case, the boobs sucked up all the length, so it now hits me at the hips, where a normal sweater would (Hey! That never happens!). I have to admit, it look pretty cute with a bra, from the front (the back is another story — I’m a little self-conscious about my pudgy back, but warts and all, ol’ chaps. Though it WOULD pair splendidly with a cardigan!). And without a bra? Hmmm. I think you might be able to tell from the pics in the following collage (top center and middle row) that if I went out in public in such a state, I miiiiight get arrested (assuming of course that “spillage” is a misdemeanor in Spain). 

Verdict? I have to say... it's frivolous and just a little nuts, but... I'll be damned if it doesn't make me feel just a little cute in a show-off-y kind of way, which not gonna lie, is still kinda a new experience for me that I'm enjoying getting my head around. :-) And, a fun adventure, a cool surprise. Call it an anticipation of my 2020 resolution of “being open to new ideas that aren’t just baggy sweatshirts and old-man sweaters.” It's been working out so far.