ASMR (Headphones Recommended) (Patreon)

A little while back, I was mindlessly wandering around YouTube, and at some point, I stumbled across this thing called ASMR. At first, I disregarded it pretty quickly, because it seemed like the kinda weird evolution the internet would take. For those of you who aren’t familiar, these videos (which can have, like, 10 million views) generally feature a woman in full makeup, sitting in a dark room with a couple of microphones in front of her, making a whole bunch of weird noises with plastic wrap, tweezers, her mouth, finger tapping, breathy whispers… In other words, one of those super-modern hyper-narcissistic online tropes that would be really difficult to explain to someone if you were to jump in a time machine and travel back to the 1970s.

But at some point, I decided to watch one of these videos in their entirety. It was entertaining at the time (in a bizarro universe makeup tutorial-meets-trainwreck way), but over the next couple of days, I strangely found my mind returning to the video. So, one night, as I was lying in bed, I watched another one. This time, I put in some earbuds, turned the brightness down, and just listened.

I have trouble sleeping sometimes. Sometimes this difficulty is caused by hopelessly trying to find that perfect position (if anyone can tell me a different position than back, sides, stomach, I’m all ears). Though the usual reason is that my head is spinning about any number of things. I’m one of those people who paid their $2.99 for a white noise app, if that gives you an idea, and sometimes the sound of rain on a tin roof and distantly crashing thunder helps. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

And sometimes, I have to tell ya. ASMR can do the trick. 

I can see why, I suppose. ASMR (short for “autonomous sensory meridian response”) comes across as a form of meditation — getting your brain to focus on something that’s neither predictable, nor just pure silence. Some people call it “brain massaging,” and while I haven’t really experienced this particular aspect of it myself, devotees swear they can feel a gentle tickling feeling running down the length of their spine, which sounds relaxing enough. 

Done well, I would think, an ASMR session can also feel like a story being told. There are seldom any words — a lot of times, a video will begin with a brief, barely whispered introduction — but instead, a series of scratching noises, clicks, pops, crinkles… all of which seem to form a sort of narrative. Which, actually… it’s kinda cool.

I don’t consider myself a “devotee.’ Not yet, anyway. I’m generally kind of wary of trends in the first place, and for a little while there, ASMR seemed like some quirky, obnoxious flavor-of-the-week millennials are hooked on now, and are doomed to be made fun of for. Like Keto diets, avocado toast, or really wide-brimmed hats. So that might be part of the reason that I’m so hesitant to be an adopter.

But! It has helped me get some solid shut-eye, so what the hell. Keep an open mind, right?

I decided to take a random video off my phone. Blurry as fuck, pretty short, in slow-motion — one of those clips that was destined for the trash can. But then I thought… what the hell. Why not take a stab at making a mini-ASMR video to see what you fine folks think of it? 

Any who knows? Maybe I’m just really late to the game, and will discover that there are a lot of you who are already into this. I’d love to hear your thoughts… Is this the kind of thing you would like to see more of on this Patreon? Long-form, relaxing videos (I’m thinking of using funky lighting, keeping things a little abstract) accompanied by my own interpretation of ASMR? If so, let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy this taste. I didn’t really know I was good at mouth clicking. Huh. Wonder what other kinds of noises I can make.