4 Delicious Flavors (Patreon)

I was, until recently, one of the insufferable anachronistics with a flip phone. It took me a while to finally give in and embrace the whole smartphone thing, so I'll hope you'll forgive me for having the same fascination and level of amusement for photo editing on a phone that most of y'all did back in 2012 or so.

I've been fooling with this app called Photo Lab. Take pics, make them look artsy with crazy filters. It's fun. Because the interpretations change completely.

In the top-left, that's me stoned while watching a documentary.

Top-right, a screenshot from the next Bioshock game.

Bottom-left, midcentury deco-revival smoldering temptress painting.

Bottom-right, the Japanese ghost child who haunts your dreams because you watched that old videotape.

Though this picture does remind me that I've put on a few extra pounds over the winter. 😬🙄😒😔🤤 Not where you're thinking — the girls are still behaving — but in the past, whenever I would put on a little weight, I tended to go a little pear-shaped.

The good thing about huge breasts is that they do distract from other body parts... I'd have to put on a LOT of weight before someone says, "You know, Heather... the girl with the ass." Plus, the boobs make me look perpetually chubby-at-least anyway, so I've gotten used to it.

Ingred Bergman said her favorite movie to make was the one where she played a nun. She wore a habit the whole time, and she was thrilled about being able to eat anything she wanted without having to worry about her waistline.

I can get on board with that.