Very big wall post about all my projects and struggles (Patreon)

I'll get to the point, here's the crap I've been working on for months

• MPE-2
  I've worked on my personal music playlist to release it to public, so now it can be found on my channel, since a lot of people who listened to it enjoyed a majority of the playlist.
  ( I know its a very small job, thought I'd leave it here cause the following ones are a little too big, way too big )
  
• Hope From Home
  You probably didn't miss this one, on 4/7 I worked on my first fundraising/charity event, to support the corona fight, it came off as a surprise to a lot of people, an we managed to raise almost double the amount of our initial goal of $1016.
  
  I'm gonna be honest, I needed that, considering the past months, I really really needed proof that I can still do good things even if I'm a stupid shitposter at best.
  
  But I didn't do this for me, I did this to help the best I can with this fight, and I really hope I can do way, way more in the future, its always been somewhat a dream of mine, to be able to do charity events and bring people together for hours on end to fight for a cause.
  
• Back to Modding
  Back in 2017 I was getting the hang of modding games, and YouTube sorta stole all my creative process to videos, which made me not only drop modding but also stop updating my old mods, I decided in 2019 to try and balance things out, and the best solution I got was to make videos where I'd also mod the games.
  
  But turns out that making more mods to be released with a video only takes me more time to finish up videos, Lobotomeme Corp 2 took me 2 months more than planned because of me working on mods for it.
  
  Barotraumeme has 2 mods and 1 playable submarine planned to release with the video, I'd really love feedback on this new method, cause it obviously increases the quality of the content to something completely unique, but it harms the time it takes to make these videos, and not everyone is gonna bother with these mods I make...
  
  And I still have to work/update said mods I've worked on, I have several workshop mods in dire need of updates since 2018, I know its not YouTube related, but I would love for my conscience to let me work on updates without feeling bad for NOT working on video related projects.
  
• "Tis with my last breath that I give you the promise of redemption" I've been working tirelessly to bring 2 new ARGs to follow the channel, I firstly decided to "work on myself" by completely making an accurate character (OC) after me, and then working on this character.
  This one obviously allows me to fantasize and I've been trying my best to keep it engaging and interesting to read, it also gives me something to look forward to achieving, "Something Worth Fighting For"
  
• "A silent voice and a loud heart" The other ARG is where I've been trying to use my shit of a past to reveal more about myself and eventually building up to (MAYBE) revealing myself and my voice, while also coming to terms with my past.
  This pretty much completes my major personal problems, both my conflicts with troubled past, and the struggle to look forward to anything in life, while also letting the world hear about it, since a lot of people want me out of the silence.

 This has been the major delaying factor honestly, I've been focusing tirelessly on these 2 problems for the past months, and the only thing I know is that I'll only be over these problems when I have these ARGs defined for good.
I wouldn't be bothering to do all of this otherwise, but I promised people and patreon that I'd try to be better and improve, so I'm trying my best. 

• The "character" struggle When I started working on this "fantasized" version of me that I started realizing just how much my problems affect me and my mindset, its so hard to look up to anything when all I can see in myself is a good for nothing lost cause of a person.
  It's so hard to define myself when so far all I've done is chip away my tastes, preferences and emotions to survive the harsh environment.
  I didn't even want to bring this up, but its been driving me insane, making me treat people like shit, affecting interactions with friends, and disappointing a lot of people, I just really am sick of the fact that the only problem I seem to not get over with is how I see myself as nothing, and its how I've seen myself for years now.
  
  This keeps locking me, all the time, I refuse to work on anything else until I solve this because I have to, I just refuse to admit defeat to a problem that is clearly toxic to me, to my personality, to my friendships, to my dreams.
  But its been taking me so long to solve it for good that I'm this close from deciding to drop this problem and simply not work on it, cause clearly it has done me no good besides lock me down to this problem and preventing me from working on what people actually pay me for: to bring YT content and joy.
  
• Video delays and patreon
  Its fairly obvious by now, that so far focusing on "fixing myself" has delayed any other work, including videos, and people sorta pay me for videos, I can't easily keep bringing up "health updates" expecting this to be the content people wanted, cause it isn't.
  
  It's been eating me up inside, cause I try to work on myself or I spend entire days on Photoshop working on ARG arts trying to piece up my past all the while the thought of how "people don't pay you for this" keeps haunting me, people never supported me for the stupidly inconsistent ARGs I've made this far, people didn't support me cause of pity out of me needing some serious work on myself.
  
  People support me to do good content, so far I've only tried to do good for myself.
  
  And I hate this, why did people even ask me to do this? Or to focus on myself? I can't help but remember that I wasn't made for this, I was made to help other people, its always been my priority, its all I've been worth for, but now I've been stuck on this mindset that I need to at least give myself a direction or definition before helping others again, and its been really tough.
  
  Its really been stressful, I've been seriously considering temporarily locking down patreon cause people aren't here to read walls of me whining about self-struggles, people support me to bring content, good, cheerful content.
  
  It just really sucks to realize I'm not doing well and have to disappoint everyone that cheers for me due to not being enough to overcome my own problems...
  
  And what am I supposed to do if I can't win a battle that only I can face?