DARK Isekai IF (Patreon)

"Okay Jerkfaces, let this loser go, or I'll beat you all up." This girl...! She really must have been the one who summoned me to this world! Well... I'm not exactly into lolis, but she's pretty cute, so it's fine.

I resent the loser comment though. Right now I can't exactly complain however, you see I suddenly appeared in this world with no equipment or legendary skill to speak off, and then I entered into an alleyway and...

Let's just say I'm grateful my summoner showed up. And heck, it was all super romantic too! I could have sworn I felt eletricity running through my body from the moment our eyes met!

The blue haired dude who currently has a foot on my face glares at her. "Beat us up? Don't be stupid brat...!" From his hip he takes out a pair of knives. It's the item he used to scare me into submission.

I'm not worried though, because surely my summoner must have some type of magic. However, I am pretty embarrassed, because that very same summoner will probably make fun of me for not realizing how to use my cheat skill.

The girl frowns. "Shit." Eh? What's with that expression? Surely you aren't afraid of a few small knives? "I..." She looks at my face, and a blush appears on her face. "Rom is gonna be livid." And then she herself draws a knife.

A melee fighter huh? Normally a main heroine is either a mage or a swordswoman though... Well, it doesn't matter, with her build she's probably more suited for knife work anyways. That said... she really does look like a thief right now, and a thief is not main heroine material...

And speaking of mages, before my summoner can do anything... A silver haired elf appears behind the thief girl. "Everyone, stop right there!" As she analyzes the room, we lock eyes, a shock runs through my body.

D-don't tell me this is a harem series! No, seriously... I can't put into words why, but I feel like this definitely shouldn't be a harem series.

...

This is definently a harem series. "Big Bro should stay with me! I mean... taking him to some noble is just begging for him to get into trouble!" Felt pulls one of my arms.

Emilia pulls the other, it sort of hurts, so please control your strength. "N-no offense Felt, b-but.. I think it's no good for Subaru to stay in the slums!" I... Currently a loli and a half-elf are fighting over me.

It's definitely a good situation to be in, this might be my greatest dream ever in fact, but... I feel like there's something wrong. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm okay with being in a harem show, but... Am I not supposed to learn a lesson or something?

Puck's jaw has hit the floor. "L-Lia... Maybe we should just leave Subaru here?" The spirit definitely doesn't like me, but I don't mind it. It's just standard harem fare, the overprotective dad cliche.

Still, his comment makes Emilia glare at him. "No we can't, we have to repay him!" She looks back at me. "Do you even have a place to stay, Subaru?" I very much don't, considering I actually come from Earth.

Puck mutters to himself. "Repay him for what? He didn't do anything..." I agree with you, but I'm in such a shitty situation that I will have to take this. Don't worry, I'll repay your daughter eventually.

By the way, if you're wondering what I did... First, I convinced Felt that she should give Emilia her insignia back... Which revealed that Felt is also a candidate when she touched the thing, whatever that means.

Secondly, I scared off the person who actually wanted to buy the insignia. I have no idea how I did it though, she just... fought us for a while, looked me in the eyes, blushed bright red and then ran. She must be the classic harem trope of a villainess who likes the hero.

I smile towards Emilia. "I... don't really have a place to stay, so I would appreciate your help Emilia-Tan." I doubt her offer will actually go through though. Now, don't get me wrong, I want it to work, but...

The truth is that in a harem series, the first girl tends to win, and that first girl is Felt. Also, it's very rare for a girl who isn't human to win in a harem series as well, so Emilia is sadly at an disadvantage right now.

Emilia smiles back. "Well, then you don't need to worry at all~! I'm sure Lord Roswaal will love you Subaru, since you're so nice!" This almost feels a bit creepy to be honest. I mean, I haven't done anything nice...

I guess convincing her that Felt and Rom don't need to be arrested could be counted as nice? But outside of that, the only thing I did was compliment her appearance, like for example, I told her she had cute ears and beautiful silver hair...

Felt pulls me yet again. "Wait a minute Big Bro! Don't trust her so easily...! All nobles are super scummy!" I... can't exactly deny that. In human history, nobility hasn't exactly been the nicest people around.

And here I imagine things will be even worse. After all, when someone is both a noble, and a guy in a isekai harem anime, they tend to be awful to the core. I really hope that isn't the case though, it would be nice to have some male friends too! Ya know, besides the standard perverted one.

Rom chuckles. "C'mon, give the kid a break Felt." He then pats her head, the embarrassment that she's feeling is strong enough that she finally releases my arm. "This could be his lucky break, so there's no reason to mess things up for him..." A lucky break, huh?

Felt pouts. "I guess..." It's clear that she's not happy with this result however, which just means she gets another head pat from a smirking Rom. He even mutters something about first loves.

In a way the giant is the exact opposite of the overprotective father trope. While Puck looks livid with his daughter finally learning about love, Rom looks extremely happy. I hope that when I'm finally a father, I become more like the latter of the two.

Still, there is something I want to say. "Can't... Well, sorry if this sounds incredibly intrusive, but can't Felt come with us?" I don't want my harem to get separated when I just got here! I need to bond with them more!

That said... there is a possibility that this isn't a harem isekai, and that I'm just getting lucky with a popular phase. Just in case this hunch of mine is correct, I won't try anything too crazy just yet.

Emilia immediately objects. "S-she can't!" W-wow, what a reaction... It's fine though, I mean, I don't even know if she would be okay with my idea. "I-I mean, candidates shouldn't interact before the selection begins!" You still haven't explained what that means.

Puck smiles. "Yep, Lia is correct. Which is why Felt should stay here with her papa! And since Subaru is so worried... maybe he should stay here too." Why do I feel that's his way of warning me of imminent death?

Felt huffs and looks away. "Fine by me." But I don't want to live in the slums! Even if I get to stay with a cute girl, that's a bit too much, don't you think!?

Emilia looks down. "Well, it's not fine by me..." She sends me a heart melting sad look. "Y-you're my first friend Subaru... I don't wanna get separated from you." Neither do I! But the politics of this place are tough...

Rom sighs. "Man, poor gal... I guess as a silver haired elf she didn't have many friends before." Even as he says that, Emilia looks like she's about to cry. This is bad, if that happens then this will definitely turn into a dark subversion isekai!

Puck caves in. "They can go!" He looks absolutely dead inside. "I mean, Felt will need someone of noble stature to register her as a member after all! So they can go!" He still looks dead inside, his face showing the most faked smile possible.

Emilia's smile is true however. "Yay! We are gonna have so much fun Subaru! And... Felt." Ah, standard harem rival shenanigans. It's a bit of a shame though, that I won't get to bang any of these two that is for a few years.

Everybody knows the harem protagonist can't have sex until the time skip to the epilogue after all.



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This isn't a harem! This isn't a harem at all! "Ah, this stain just isn't coming out..." Rem is currently trying to clean a very visible stain on one of Ros-Chi's sofas, because she's a kind soul who deserves better.

I'm struggling to say anything. "Sorry Rem...! I don't even know how it got in there!" Oh, I know exactly how it got in there. By the way, I'm currently sitting on another sofa, a clean one of course.

The maid blushes bright red. "It's fine Subaru... I don't mind helping you clean it. You're new to the job after all... I must admit though... You're a bit too shameless." It's not like you're helping me clean it, it's more like you're doing all the damn work!

But yeah, I now have a job! I no longer can be called a NEET! And if you're wondering how that happened... Well, I didn't wanna just be a freeloader, so I asked if I could at least work as a butler.

And what about what she said... "Let my man enjoy himself Rem." Ram looks at me with such love that she might have hearts in her eyes. "If it makes him happy, then it's all good right?" She licks my cock.

Because she's on her knees right now, sucking my dick. So I repeat, this is no harem series, because this is some kind of hentai series! And now, I don't want to tempt fate or anything, but isn't this too happy for a ex-NEET like me!?

Where is all the suffering that will lead me to having crazy amounts of character development!? Where are the many life lessons I must learn!?

Emilia smiles. "Well, Subaru is a bit of a perv... Nobody can deny that!" And then she licks my dick too. Because the blowjob I'm currently receiving isn't the work of a single woman, in fact...

It isn't the work of two women either. "Yeah, but weren't you the one who didn't even know what sex was until like... yesterday?" Yeah, the reveal that broke Emilia happened relatively soon.

A mighty battle ended up happening to calm down Puck once he find out what Ram had told his darling daughter. Thankfully Beako and Ros-Chi calmed him down eventually though...

By the way, did I mention I put my dick inside of Beako's ass yesterday? Like I said, hentai series. Honestly, I would normally reject a harem such as this, and aim for the one girl ending, but it's clear that the world would reject such attempts...

I know this because... I close my eyes and remember what happened the day I got here.

...

"Lord Subaru, I love you." Ram, the maid who has been surprisingly nice to me, confesses out of nowhere. Her face is currently as red as it can be. "Please stay with me forever!" This is bad...!

Specially because after she's done speaking, it's Rem's turn. "And I love you too Subaru! I know this is coming out of nowhere, but it's true...!" It is very much coming out of nowhere! Is my harem luck this strong!?

Too bad though, I know a confession this early into serialization will never work. "S-sorry, but I like Felt..." I cannot believe I just rejected twin maids, but that's just how things work around here...

Rem slowly walks over to the door. And locks it. "Oh, we know." Hah?

...

And that's when I learned consent was optional in this dark land. But hey, I got a super harem out of it, so it's all good... I think. I seriously feel like someone should give me a dose of character development though.

Suffering build character and all. "I'm cumming!" I paint Emilia, Felt, and Ram's face white with my cum.

The half-elf just embarrassedly looks around. "Geez, you came so much... You have to go to the village after this, so keep some energy in store... Okay~?" In my defense, it's you three who suddenly cornered me.

Emilia is right though, and playing with the kids can be a fun distraction. Specially that Meili kid... she's a pretty funny one, and her reactions always remind me of that mysterious sexy woman for some reason. Her dog is nice too, very well behaved, he never bites anyone.

Ram glares at her. "You should be lucky he came at all! With your awful skill." S-she's trying her best...? "Felt, you however did an adequate job. It seems you have a natural talent at pleasing men with your mouth." Don't say that with such a smug face!

But yeah, for some reason Ram is strangely insistent that I should have a harem, and that my harem should always keep my satisfied. I guess she's the type who's always looking for the happiness of her lover, but she takes it to a pretty high extreme.

The face of a blushing Felt covered in cum is almost enough to make me hard again. "S-shut up...!" She then points at me. "And don't think I'd do this just for anyone! It's just that... that you're the guy I love." For some reason.

Emilia interjects. "A-and I love you even more than she does! S-so I will be improving until I can make you cum all by myself Subaru!" This is heaven, an uncanny heaven where everything goes way too right for some reason.

I don't know how to feel about it, but at least I don't get pulled around anymore.



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I'm being pulled around. "Let Subaru go! He belongs to me! And also Felt..." You don't really sound enthusiastic about that last part, but okay! Ah, managing a harem is way too hard, sorry Emilia.

Felt nods in the sidelines. "Yeah! Let him go you bitch!" Please don't scream that in front of everyone! Our reputation has already been destroyed more than enough at this point. Seriously, all the important people in the kingdom are here.

Priscilla glares at Emilia, and pulls me even harder. "Silence half-cum dumpster, and rat! This man has stolen my heart, so now I shall steal him!" Don't say cum dumpster! Even if at this point Emilia is very familiar with my cum.

Crusch interjects. "Please you three, do not fight over Mister Subaru! You are all acting with a great amount of disrespect!" I know, and I'm so sorry for it! Even the Council of Wise Men is just staring at the show, their faces filled with disbelief.

Sadly her pleas go unheard. Felix though, her knight, notices something strange. "Um...! Why are you crying Lady Crusch!? Nyah!?" Now that he mentions, the duchess is indeed crying for some reason.

Crusch just cries even more. "I... I don't know! It's just that...!" She puts a hand on her chest. "When Lady Priscilla mentioned stealing Subaru, my heart started to really hurt for some reason...!" S-such crazy amounts of density!

Felix immediately falls down to his knees. "It's... it's all over, isn't it? She's finally having her awakening...!" Thankfully his weird yandere freakout is interrupted by the sound of someone eating something.

The cat knight looks at it. "R-Reinhard...? What are you doing?" That's right, the sound of eating is coming from the kingdom's perfect knight. Actually, that's Julius apparently, who is admittedly pretty cool.

I imagine normally I would start feeling insecure around him, specially since he kissed Emilia's and Felt's hand... But I was balls deep in those girls a few moments ago, so... you know... Now seriously, where is my character development?

Reinhard smiles. "I'm eating... something." He has a bag of popcorn in hand. "I just received a blessing which grants me this, as long as I am watching absolute cinema. Whatever that means." Please die.

Anastasia giggles. "Look at all these dumbasses! Fightin' over some boy!" She slowly sneaks over to me. "Hey Subaru, I'm willin' to give ya a few million if ya is willin' to make sweet love to me." Didn't you just call them dumb!?

My eye twitches. "Do I look like a prostitute to you?" Because I'm not! I need no financial incentive to have sex with someone. This is the land of hentai after all, where nothing makes sense.

Anastasia quickly shakes her head. "Of course not! But... ya know... if there's somethin' real expensive ya got your eyes on, mama is always here..." Don't call yourself mama. Please.

A member of the council finally has enough, and screams. "Can I have some order in the throne room!? This selection is supp-" He's quickly silenced by the fear of imminent death.

First, it's Priscilla. She shoots a wave of fire at him that just barely misses. "One more word and I shall burn your skin until it becomes charcoal. You shall survive that experience." She's way too scary.

Emilia too sends an attack his way, it's a spear of ice and it also barely misses. "S-sorry, but please be quiet for a while! I'm debating important matters here!" Her eyes are completely cold, maybe even more cold than the spear.

Crusch draws and swings her sword in his direction. It sends a wave of wind, which... also barely misses. "I'm sorry! My heart is screaming at me! And I am not hypocritical enough to lie to myself!" She's still a crying mess.

Thankfully Felt and Anastasia have no method of attacking at a distance, but... Felt makes a swiping motion across what would be her balls if she had any. Anastasia does the same, but with her neck.

I... how am I gonna fix this mess!?

...

The leader of the Council puts a golden crown on my head. "All hail King Subaru!" I didn't fix shit.

By the way, there was this guy called Petelgeuse who started doing stuff... And this White Whale creature... But as it turns out, I'm pretty much invincible right now, so they got massacred by the five camps.

Can someone build my character with some suffering already?