Midnight Pals: More Running Grave (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: tonight I'm going to tell you more about cormorant ssstrike's latessst adventure
King: there's more?
Rowling: there'sss lotss more
Rowling: itsss 961 pagesss
Rowling: do not give me sshit sssteve
Rowling: you of all people

Rowling: in thiss book, cormorant ssstrike makesss a whole lot of phone callsss and hangss out in a whole bunch of fancccy resstaurantsss
Rowling: he doessn't actually do the detective work, he hiresss freelancersss for that
Rowling: cormorant sstrike is a job creator

Rowling: so this guy hires cormorant ssstrike to get his autistic sson out of a cult
Rowling: funny thing about this sson
Rowling: he'sss really sssmart when he'ss making decisionss i agree with
Rowling: but he'sss alssso a naive child when he'ss making deicionss i dissagree with

Rowling: so the guy is all 'i want to get my autistic son declared mentally incompetent because. c'mon, he's autistic he can't be trusted to think'
Rowling: 'as evidence of his mental incompetence, you should know that he previously dabbled in socialism'
George Romero:

Rowling: asss we all know
Rowling: only really ssstupid people would fall for sssocialisssm
Rowling: and abandon the good common sssense of blairite centrissm
Romero: [eyes flashing,  L'Internationale plays] what did you say joanne
Romero: what did you fucking say

Romero: you got a problem with the dictatorship of the proletariot joanne?!  
Rowling: i don't know anything about that
Rowling: i just know they're annoying online
Romero: that's not a fair judgement!
Romero: posting is not praxis!

Rowling: ugh i jussst hate the sssocialissstss, the transss, the autissticsss, the dissabledss...
Barker: did you just write and publish a 961 page book about your internet enemies
Rowling: correction
Rowling: i wrote and published ANOTHER 961 page book about my internet enemies

Barker: why don't you just keep a burn book like a normal person
Rowling: sshut up
Rowling: it'sss perfectly acceptable to write a book to sshit on my internet enemies
Rowling: dante did it
Dante Alighieri: this is a call-out post for Boniface VIII
Dante: highly problematic pope

Dante: check it out, you know that pope i don't like?
Dante: what if he was in hell
Dante: haha got 'im
Barker: which pope is this?
Dante: oh i dunno, all of them
Dante: they all suck

Roald Dahl: ee hee hee i don't know what you're all mad about
Dahl: writing petty grievances as literature is an upstanding british tradition ee hee hee
Rowling: thank you roald
Dahl: are you gonna say anything about the vegetarians ee hee hee
Rowling:
Dahl: i fucking HATE them

CS Lewis: oh yeah the FUCKING vegetarians
Lewis: i wish they'd all fucking die
Dahl: ee hee hee die PAINFULLY ee hee hee
Dahl: oh you don't wanna eat an animal ee hee hee? what if you were DEAD instead ee hee hee King:
King: huh british culture is kind of different isn't it

Dahl: so you gonna give those fucking vegetarians what they got coming ee hee hee
Rowling: they're  
Rowling: not really a high priority for me
Dahl: oh
Dahl: what about the jews
Rowling: oh yeah i got wordss about them
Rowling: jussst you wait!